Social Skills

Being Underestimated Can Be a Great Thing

September 23, 2016 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

This spring, I attended the 2016 annual meeting of shareholders of Fairfax Financial Holdings Limited in Toronto. Fairfax’s chief executive Prem Watsa opened his remarks with the following joke:

A young boy enters a barbershop.

The barber whispers to a customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other. He then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” says the barber to the customer. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves the barbershop, he sees the same young boy coming out of an ice cream store licking a wafer-style ice cream cone.

He summons the boy and asks, “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? … Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licks his cone and replies, “Sir, because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Although the barber sought to characterize the young boy foolish, the joke was really on the barber.

The barber never suspected the boy’s recurring motivation to seem stupid. Additionally, the barber never learned his lesson or questioned his own assumptions.

Idea for Impact: As the above joke attests, being underestimated, underrated, or misjudged can often have its benefits. Don’t sweat when others think less than you actually are. Don’t let them make you feel small. Embrace their misjudgments with equanimity. Believe in yourself with humble confidence. Then outthink, outsmart, and outperform. Surprise them.

Stop Trying to Change People Who Don’t Want to Change

September 20, 2016 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Change is seldom as easy as we think it will be

Consider how many people engage in smoking, obesity, problem drinking, procrastination, rage, and other self-defeating behavioral patterns. Despite being fully aware of the negative consequences of their behaviors, these people tend not to change.

Many people are unsuccessful when they try to change their own behavior. People are creatures of habit, and habits evolve over time. They become so deep-seated and instinctive that people are often oblivious to the behaviors and consequences that their habits drive.

It is therefore very hard to change old habits even when they’re bad. Consequently, people find themselves incapable or reluctant to make essential changes in their lives. They discover that habits are persistent and necessitate many consistent repetitions to change. Even when they are motivated enough to change, long-lasting change entails much commitment, consistency, and discipline.

When do people change?

The American self-help author Tony Robbins once wrote, “Most people are unhappy with some area of their life, but are not unhappy enough to actually do something about it. Unfortunately, 90% of people fall is this category.”

People typically don’t change because someone tells them that they need to. Many people change from their own accord as the result of physiological vicissitudes in their lives or from psychological impositions of external circumstances: transition to adolescence, retirement, becoming a parent, a job loss, or the death of a spouse, for example. Nevertheless, very few people change from within—deliberately, willingly, and on-purpose.

People don’t change until they think they need to

The Italian astronomer and philosopher Galileo Galilei once said, “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.” Helping people change involves helping them want to change, instead of trying to persuade them through guidance, counsel, urging, social pressure, or other forms of inducement.

Therapists (and mentors, coaches, and managers) are most successful in bringing about long-lasting change only in people who are intrinsically motivated to make the change. Therapists have little success with people who have no interest in changing.

Effective therapists explore, understand, and tweak their clients’intrinsic motivations toward change. They understand their client’s motivations, listen to any reluctance about change, and sensitively try to fortify those elements of their clients’ intrinsic motivations that may favor and hence facilitate the intended change.

Idea for Impact: When people do not want to change, don’t try to change them

As children, spouses, parents, friends, managers, and colleagues we are continuously attempting to point out others’ errors and expecting them to change. Even when our concerns are genuine and our attempts to change others are sincere, we often fail to bring about real behavioral change because people don’t change until they think they need to. So, don’t try to change people when they do not want to change.

They may change in a short time, but unless there is a compelling reason or a significant emotional event that astonishes them to change, people go back to their natural state.

Harboring expectations of being able to change can only lead to frustration and futility. Therefore, as the Buddha taught, lower your expectations of people, appreciate people as they are, and thus raise your own joys. Alternatively, find the people who have the behaviors you want and teach them the skills they need to be productive.

Stop asking, “What do you do for a living?”

September 2, 2016 By Nagesh Belludi 4 Comments

I despise being asked “What do you do for a living?” when I first meet someone.

I didn’t like being asked “What does your dad do?” while growing up in India.

Many people routinely use this question as a conversation-starter with strangers. It could be argued that they intend to learn of somebody’s area of expertise or interests and then engage them in a meaningful chat.

However, this question is often about indirectly sizing up the other’s socioeconomic status. People may be assessing, “How valuable are you? How much money do you make? What is your social status? What is your financial status? Are you richer, smarter, and more powerful than I am? Am I above you or below you in the socioeconomic ladder? Are you worth my time?”

Look, we live in a judgmental world where a person’s identity is at first ascertained by what he or she does for a living. Nevertheless, when becoming acquainted with someone in an informal setting, conversations shouldn’t be about inquiring after the other’s livelihood or about scrutinizing the other’s standing in society.

Chatting with somebody in “socializing situations” should be less about discerning the details of the other’s life and more about building a bit of familiarity to initiate stimulating conversations, debates, discussions, and exchange of ideas about topics of mutual interest—prospects that will all be missed if the initial interaction starts with annoying cross-examinations.

So, let’s try to make a conversation without seeking to interrogate one another.

If you’re looking for clues to a person’s passions or areas of interest to engage them in conversation, start with simple questions such as “how do you know Maria and Joe,” “is this your first time in Chicago,” or “what does your name mean?” Wait for personal details to flow into the conversation naturally. Or, wait further into the conversation before popping the “what do you do?” question.

How to Overcome Shyness in Initiating Conversations

March 24, 2009 By Nagesh Belludi 1 Comment

Uneasiness in Striking up Conversations

The introverts among us do not like being the center of attention and the life of parties. We prefer small get-togethers with a selected group of familiar friends. We have a tendency to shy away from interacting with new people.

We introverts are not very comfortable with small talk. We would rather choose meaningful conversations about a variety of topics that are closer to our hearts. Consequently, we are likely to find it difficult to strike up conversations in social gatherings, parties, and meetings.

Assuming Rapport

The Positivity Blog discusses a simple and effective technique to help initiate conversations. In essence, as opposed to initiating a conversation with uneasiness, act as if you are meeting one of your best friends. The resulting assurance will ease up the anxiety and help initiate and pursue a conversation with new people. In addition, the ensuing poise results in a more forthcoming body language.

I have adopted this technique to better myself in presentations and speeches, meeting new people at work and play, and overcome my own introversion to the extent that now people often label me as being talkative.

Pursuing Conversations

Here are a few more suggestions to help introverts get more comfortable in social gatherings.

Ask to be introduced. Ask your host or a fellow-attendee to introduce you to the other guests by citing common interests. This will help you connect with other guests over the topic of common interest and pursue a conversation more effortlessly.
Interact with other introverts. Surveys suggest that 60% of people tend to be introverts. You could identify like-minded folk through their shy body language, approach them, and introduce yourself to them.
Connect with extroverts. Extroverts like meeting people, enjoy interactions, and love introducing people to one another. Being around extroverts can help overcome some initial difficulty with starting conversations and engaging in small talk in unfamiliar social situations.
Learn and practice the art of small talk. Most people are enthusiastic about sharing their stories. Favorite sports, travel destinations, kids, opinions of celebrities, movies and other current events make great conversation starters. Steer away from conversations on social or economic status, health, faith, and other personal details. Watch for gestures of discomfort when you ask questions.

Albert Mehrabian’s 7-38-55 Rule of Personal Communication

October 4, 2008 By Nagesh Belludi

In communication, a speaker’s words are only a fraction of his efforts. The pitch and tone of his voice, the speed and rhythm of the spoken word, and the pauses between those words may express more than what is being communicated by words alone. Further, his gestures, posture, pose and expressions usually convey a variety of subtle signals. These non-verbal elements can present a listener with important clues to the speaker’s thoughts and feelings and thus substantiate or contradict the speaker’s words.

The most commonly and casually cited study on the relative importance of verbal and nonverbal messages in personal communication is one by Prof. Albert Mehrabian of the University of California in Los Angeles. In the 1970s, his studies suggested that we overwhelmingly deduce our feelings, attitudes, and beliefs about what someone says not by the actual words spoken, but by the speaker’s body language and tone of voice.

In fact, Prof. Mehrabian quantified this tendency: words, tone of voice, and body language respectively account for 7%, 38%, and 55% of personal communication.

The non-verbal elements are particularly important for communicating feelings and attitude, especially when they are incongruent: if words and body language disagree, one tends to believe the body language.

If a speaker’s words and body language differ, listeners are more likely to believe the nonverbal communication of the speaker, not his words. For example, if a person states, “I don’t have a problem with you!” while avoiding eye-contact, looking anxious, and maintaining a closed body language, the listener will probably trust the predominant form of communication, which according to Prof. Mehrabian’s findings is non-verbal (38% + 55%), rather than the literal meaning of the words (7%.)

I have two arguments against the oversimplified interpretation of the “7-38-55 Rule.” In the first place, it is very difficult to quantify the impact of tone of voice and body language on the effectiveness of communication. Secondly, such quantifications are very subjective and cannot be applied as a rule to all contexts. Prof. Mehrabian himself has cautioned,

“Total Liking = 7% Verbal Liking + 38% Vocal Liking + 55% Facial Liking. Please note that this and other equations regarding relative importance of verbal and nonverbal messages were derived from experiments dealing with communications of feelings and attitudes (i.e., like—dislike). Unless a communicator is talking about their feelings or attitudes, these equations are not applicable.”

This study is a convenient—if not accurate—reminder that nonverbal cues can be more valuable and telling than verbal ones. Therefore, to be effective and persuasive in our verbal communication—in presentations, public speaking, or personal communication—it is essential to complement our words with the right tone and voice and the appropriate body language.

What to Do When You Forget a Person’s Name

May 6, 2008 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Remembering names is an important social skill—mastering this skill can offer a distinct advantage in your professional and personal lives. Previous blog articles discussed a 5R (Resolve, Review, Relate, Repeat, Record) technique to help remember names and a technique to remember names around tables in meetings.

Apologize and Ask

Despite your best efforts, on occasion you may not be able recollect the name of another person, even if you were introduced minutes earlier. In such cases, simply ask, “I am sorry, I forgot your name.” Do not elaborate or try to qualify. Alternately, ask for the person’s business card if appropriate

Another familiar situation is when you run into someone you know–you can remember several details of the person and your prior interactions,–but cannot recall the person’s name. This person may assume that you know his/her name and hence may not self-introduce. You may go through an entire conversation trying to call to mind this person’s name. Simply say, “Forgive me. I remember we met at last year’s sales conference. I can remember everything about you, but, I can’t recall your name. Could you please repeat it for me?”

Introduce a Third Person

Yet another technique is to introduce a third person. Say, at an office holiday party, you fail to remember the name of a colleague. Turn to your colleague and say, “I don’t think you have met my husband, Frank.” Frank and your colleague exchange greetings: “Hi, I am Frank. Nice to meet you.” Your colleague reveals her name: “Hi, I am Isabella David.”

At any rate, avoid embarrassing yourself by using an assumed or a wrong name. Apologize and ask the person to state or confirm his/names.

Etiquette: Protocol of Introducing People

November 3, 2007 By Nagesh Belludi 38 Comments

The purpose of introducing people is to give them an opportunity to know each other. Beyond just stating names of the two parties, the person making the introduction is often obligated to establish an acquaintance and help the two parties initiate a conversation.

The Art of Making Introductions: Four Steps

The basic protocol of introductions calls for introducing the ‘lesser-ranking’ (socially, professionally, by age or seniority) to the ‘higher-ranking’ person. Here are four steps:

First, state the name of the person being introduced to. This is the ‘higher-ranking’ person.
Second, say “I would like to introduce” or, “please meet” or, “this is,” etc.
Third, state the name of the person being introduced. This is the ‘lower-ranking’ person.
Finally, offer some details about each, as appropriate. As I wrote in a previous article, add a snippet of information about a topic of common interest between the two parties. Do not elaborate. This will help them connect and pursue a conversation.

The foremost principle of etiquette for making introductions lies in understanding reverence and respect. Here are some guidelines.

Higher Ranking Person	Lower Ranking Person	Example: Introduce lower-ranking person to higher-ranking person
An older person	A younger person	“Grandma, this is my neighbour, John”
A senior professional	A junior professional	“Mrs. President, this is Mr. Analyst”
A customer	A team of employees	“Mr. Customer, this is my sales team”
A guest	A host	“Ms. New Yorker, this is my daughter, Sarah”
A guest from out-of-town	A local guest	“Mr. Australian, this is my neighbour Janet”
Peer from another company	Peer from your company	“Mr. IBMer, this is Ms. Edwards”

When introducing people of equal seniority or status, you may introduce either person to the other.

Making Introductions: A Few Examples

Introduce a younger person to an older person. “Grandma, please meet Alicia and Carlos, my neighbors.”
Introduce a relatively junior professional to a senior professional. “Ms. Director, I would like to introduce Mr. Nakamura, the Chief Product Architect for our software division.”
Introduce an employee to a customer. “Mr. Sung, I would like to introduce our plastics engineering team. This is Mark Smith, Jessica Ramos and Liang Zhu. All three participated in last week’s teleconference regarding product definition.”
Introduce a host to a guest. “Elaine, I don’t think you have met my daughter, Anna. Anna arranged for all the food at this festival party. Anna, Elaine is my Project Manager.”
Introduce a local guest to a guest from out-of-town. “Charlie, this is Debbie. Debbie is my colleague from work. Debbie, Charlie is visiting me from New York. We shared an apartment when we were at Columbia together.”
Introduce a peer from your company to a peer from another organization. “Melissa, I would like you to meet Steve, our Systems Engineer. Steve, Melissa Hoffmann is from Marketing. She is our Account Manager for Wal-Mart.”

Gender Distinction

Customarily, a number of people introduce a man to a woman out of respect, regardless of the guidelines presented above.

When introducing a man and a woman at work, consider their positions and seniorities alone. Outside of work, it may be more appropriate to introduce a man to a woman, in contradiction to the above guidelines. Be judicious and sensitive.

Concluding Thoughts

Many people have difficulty introducing people to one another and helping initiate a conversation. With some practice and a sense of social and/or professional ranking, you too can master the art of introduction.

Mentoring: The Best Advice You Can Offer

October 9, 2007 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

A newer employee recently approached you for advice on a particularly thorny personal problem she was facing at work. She had an idea for tackling her problem. You had discouraged her idea citing a couple of reasons and offered your own idea as the best solution to her problem. “Advice from years of experience,” you had added. She had nodded her head in agreement.

A couple of weeks later, you discover that she had disregarded your advice and pursued her original idea. You are now annoyed at her and grumble: “Such a waste of my time! Why do people come to me for advice when they don’t intend to pay attention to my ideas? Nobody seems to respect words of wisdom anymore.”

Does the above experience sound familiar? Aren’t we often all-too-eager to offer others advice?

In the above narrative, the newer employee may not have wanted to take the suggested approach—she followed her own idea to manage her problem. Herein is one fundamental reality about offering advice: people rarely listen to others’ advice if they see a contradiction in their advice. In other words, the best advice you can offer others is the advice that they come up with themselves.

Mary Kay Ash on the Art of Listening

Mary Kay Ash, American entrepreneur and founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics discusses the art of listening in her book ‘People Management.’

Some of the most successful people-managers are also the best listeners.

[One manager] had been hired by a large corporation to assume the role of sales manager. But he knew absolutely nothing about the specifics of the business. When salespeople would go to him for answers, there wasn’t anything he could tell them–because he didn’t know anything! Nonetheless, this man really knew how to listen. So no matter what they would ask him, he’d answer, “What do you think you ought to do?” They’d come up with a solution; he’d agree; and they’d leave satisfied. They thought he was fantastic. He taught me this valuable listening technique, and I have been applying it ever since.

Many of the problems I hear don’t require me to offer solutions. I solve most of them by just listening and letting the grieving party do the talking. If I listen long enough, the person will generally come up with an adequate solution.

Call for Action

When a person approaches you for advice, he/she may have some faint idea to tackle the problem at hand.

Or, the person has already developed an idea. He/she would like you to serve as a ‘sounding-board’ for the idea–to reinforce the idea and confirm that this approach is appropriate.

After listening attentively to the person’s thoughts, ask “What do you think you ought to do?” Skilfully, lead the thought-process and encourage him/her to develop the solution. With this buy-in, the person will more likely follow your—really, his/her own—advice.

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Social Skills

Wondering what to read next?

Change is seldom as easy as we think it will be

When do people change?

People don’t change until they think they need to

Idea for Impact: When people do not want to change, don’t try to change them

Wondering what to read next?

Wondering what to read next?

Uneasiness in Striking up Conversations

Assuming Rapport

Pursuing Conversations

Wondering what to read next?

Wondering what to read next?

Apologize and Ask

Introduce a Third Person

Wondering what to read next?

The Art of Making Introductions: Four Steps

Making Introductions: A Few Examples

Gender Distinction

Concluding Thoughts

Wondering what to read next?

Mary Kay Ash on the Art of Listening

Call for Action

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Wondering what to read next?