Right Attitudes

Ideas for Impact

Getting Along

Begin with Yourself

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'Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames' by Thich Nhat Hanh (ISBN 1573229377) Self-love is the essential foundation for authentic connections with others. Thich Nhat Hanh‘s book, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames (2002,) is a poignant reminder that while anger is a completely normal emotion, it must be addressed mindfully to prevent suffering, with healing commencing through an exploration of the roots of one’s anger and the practice of self-compassion.

Without communication, no real understanding can be possible. But be sure that you can communicate with yourself first. If you cannot communicate with yourself, how do you expect to communicate with another person? Love is the same. If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love someone else. If you cannot accept yourself, if you cannot treat yourself with kindness, you cannot do this for another person.

If you don’t love yourself, you can’t really care for anyone else. It’s that simple.

Self-compassion and forgiveness are essential for building deeper connections and enhancing your emotional strength—and genuine peace. By strengthening your bond with yourself, you create a foundation that makes it easier to connect with others. Engaging in this inner work boosts your empathy, allowing you to truly understand and relate to the struggles of those around you.

Idea for Impact: Self-love isn’t just for you; it changes how you interact with the world and lets you support others with real kindness.

Wondering what to read next?

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  3. Anger is the Hardest of the Negative Emotions to Subdue
  4. The More You Can Manage Your Emotions, the More Effective You’ll Be
  5. What the Buddha Taught About Restraining and Dealing with Anger

Zen Parable of the Overflowing Teacup: The Power of an Open Mind

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Beginner's Mind: Zen Parable of the Overflowing Teacup There’s a well-known parable in Zen Buddhism about a teacher and a teacup that goes like this:

A learned professor visited a Zen master, eager to understand Zen. He introduced himself by listing his credentials, academic achievements, and extensive knowledge, hoping to impress the master and prove himself worthy of profound teachings.

In a gesture of hospitality, the master offered the professor tea, pouring fragrant liquid into a small, delicate cup. As the professor began to sip, the master calmly continued pouring, and soon the tea overflowed, spilling onto the table.

The professor exclaimed, “Master! Why are you still pouring? The cup can’t hold any more!”

The Zen master replied calmly, “Your mind is like this cup—already full of your own ideas, overflowing with preconceptions and opinions. If it’s full, there’s no room for new knowledge and wisdom. First, you must empty your cup before you can truly receive the teachings of Zen.

Idea for Impact: Approach learning with an open and receptive mind, willingly letting go of limiting, preconceived notions. Unless you make space for new knowledge, your mind can’t fully absorb deeper wisdom.

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  4. Heaven and Hell: A Zen Parable on Self-Awareness
  5. Shrewd Leaders Sometimes Take Liberties with the Truth to Reach Righteous Goals

Escape the People-Pleasing Trap

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Escape the People-Pleasing Trap You may believe that being kind, gentle, and agreeable will earn you love and acceptance. However, doing things for others that they should handle themselves only sets you up for disappointment. Ignoring clear violations of your boundaries and agreeing to commitments you’d rather decline only makes things worse. When you take on others’ frustrations and make their feelings your problem, you add to your own burdens.

Being a people-pleaser, under the illusion that it will win you affection, leads to a harmful cycle of neglecting your own essential needs. This flawed mindset fosters deep feelings of disrespect and disconnection from yourself. You endure constant invalidation based on how others treat you, making them dependent on you. Your relentless efforts to please will never be enough.

Idea for Impact: Shift your attitude. Elevate your self-respect. Take charge of your life. Prioritize your own needs. Don’t hesitate to say “no.” You deserve the same love and respect you freely give to others.

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  5. A Short Course on: How to Find the Right Relationship

Not Every Customer is a Right Fit for You—and That’s Okay

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Not Every Customer is a Right Fit for You---and That's Okay In business, every sale may feel like a win, but some sales can actually harm you more than help.

In Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose (2010; my summary,) Zappos CEO Tony Hsieh illustrates the importance of parting ways with problematic customers. He recounts how, when it was a fledgling startup, Zappos identified a customer who exploited their generous return policy, ordering thousands of dollars in shoes only to return them frequently. Acknowledging the strain this put on their business and customer service team, Zappos chose to cut ties, issuing a full refund and politely refusing further business. This decision allowed them to maintain their high standards for customers who genuinely valued their service.

Not all money is good money. Certain clients can negatively impact your well-being—and your bottom line.

Filter out the wrong customers. Cut loose those who don’t fit. Over time, you’ll become adept at spotting clients you’ll regret accepting. Some customers simply aren’t worth your time and energy. Sometimes, it’s more cost-effective to refund their money and send them packing. Other times, it’s wise to discourage potential clients from buying in the first place. You might find yourself confidently saying, “Sorry, this just isn’t for you. Please don’t send any money my way.” It may seem a bit blunt, but it’s liberating. The payoff? You’ll build a fantastic group of clients who bring genuine joy to your work, significantly reducing negative stress for you, your team, and everyone involved.

Idea for Impact: Good business sometimes means letting go. Life’s too short to waste on the wrong customers. Filtering out those who aren’t a fit isn’t just smart; it’s vital for creating a fulfilling, enjoyable career. Work with those who inspire you.

Wondering what to read next?

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  4. The Likeability Factor: Whose “Do Not Pair” List Includes You?
  5. It’s Never About You

The Jerk Dilemma: The Double-Edged Sword of a ‘No Jerks Here’ Policy

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The Jerk Dilemma: The Double-Edged Sword of a 'No Jerks Here' Policy Many organizations swear by a no-jerk rule to project an image of a respectful and collaborative workplace. However, implementing this rule isn’t exactly a walk in the park.

First, defining “jerk” behavior is as subjective as choosing your favorite ice-cream. This leads to misunderstandings and people getting unfairly labeled as jerks due to personal conflicts or misinterpretations—even genuine disagreements. Some might even use the rule as a shield to deflect well-deserved criticism.

Then there’s the spectrum of jerkiness. While outright jerks should be shown the door, they’re quite rare. The real challenge lies with the “bit-of-a-jerk” types and situational jerks who often have no clue that their behavior is disruptive. With a little feedback and clear boundaries, these individuals can usually improve.

Consistency is another obstacle. Perceptions of jerk behavior can vary wildly based on personality and workplace dynamics. What one person finds acceptable, another might view as offensive, creating an environment where employees feel constantly scrutinized, leading to defensiveness or resentment.

Idea for Impact: While the no-jerk rule seems favorable in concept, implementing it requires a bit more finesse than simply slapping a sign on the door!

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How to … Gracefully Exit a Conversation at a Party

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How to ... Gracefully Exit a Conversation at a Party If your interlocutor seems to be plotting an escape (e.g., avoiding eye contact or fixating on the snack table,) let them off the hook.

When you’re ready to end a conversation but it just won’t quit, use the magic phrase “I need” to make your exit.

  • “I need to grab some food.”
  • “I need to catch up with Jane over there; it’s been two years!”
  • “Oh, there’s Ralph—let me introduce you. He’s an opera buff, too.”

Refilling your drink, heading to the bathroom, offering to help the host, greeting a new arrival, or keeping an eye on your teenager are also perfectly valid reasons to exit a conversation.

Idea for Impact: The key to a graceful exit is to be quick and decisive. Often, a simple “excuse me” does the trick—no need to over-explain.

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How to … Turn Disagreements into Dialogue with Neutral Phrasing

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How to ... Turn Disagreements into Dialogue with Neutral Phrasing Navigating disagreements becomes more effective with a neutral, problem-solving approach. The key is to depersonalize the conflict using phrases like “it seems.”

Rather than saying, “You’re ignoring my suggestions,” reframe it to, “It seems my suggestions aren’t being fully considered. What might I be missing?”

Employing “it seems” frames the disagreement as an observation rather than an assertion, which minimizes defensiveness and fosters constructive dialogue. It opens the door for the other party to clarify or adjust their perspective, leading to a more balanced discussion.

For instance, saying, “It seems there was a miscommunication about the deadlines. Can we discuss what happened?” shifts the focus from blame to understanding. This approach shows a commitment to grasping the other person’s viewpoint and promotes collaborative problem-solving, especially when the conflict is all about the process.

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  5. How to … Communicate Better with Defensive People

How to … Deal with Stinging Criticism

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Handle Criticism with Grace: A Guide to Growth Through Honest Feedback It’s tough to extract valuable insights when you feel attacked. Here’s how to sift through the sting and find something useful:

  1. Acknowledge your feelings. Let the emotions settle before analyzing the criticism. Even if delivered poorly, there may be something to learn.
  2. Consider the source. Is it from someone you respect and who wants the best for you? Or is it from a habitual complainer, revealing more about them than about you?
  3. Listen openly. Criticism is just another opinion. Ask, “What’s valid here? What do I agree with, and what should I dismiss?”
  4. Pinpoint the objection. Was it constructive, meant to help? Or was it unjustified and meant to hurt?
  5. Remember your value. Criticism doesn’t define your worth. Ask, “What can I learn from this?” If it reveals a blind spot, use it to grow.

You have the power to reject unkind words. Protect your well-being by setting clear boundaries. When someone speaks disrespectfully, let them know their words are hurtful and unwelcome. Communicate your limits confidently, and reinforce them when necessary. Assert your right to be treated with respect and maintain your emotional safety.

Idea for Impact: Criticism, though painful, can teach you something valuable—even if it’s to disregard the source. Let it shape, not shatter, your resilience.

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  5. The Likeability Factor: Whose “Do Not Pair” List Includes You?

Let Others Think What They May

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Let Others Think What They May It’s not entirely up to you to control how others see you. People will think what they want, that’s just how it goes. You just be you. You have nothing to prove.

What’s best for others might not be best for you, and what’s best for you might not be best for others. And that’s okay. We’re not all cut from the same cloth.

While it’s natural to seek validation from others, remember that your worth isn’t tied to their opinions. Instead of constantly trying to fit into other people’s molds or fretting over perception, focus on staying true to who you are.

Idea for Impact: Embrace your true self, flaws, quirks, and all. When you’re comfortable in your own skin, outside validation doesn’t matter as much, and unconstructive criticism rolls off your back.

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  5. Who Told You That Everybody Was Going to Like You?

Ditch Sarcasm—Don’t Hide Hostility Behind Humor

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Ditch Sarcasm---Don't Hide Hostility Behind Humor Sarcasm often masks hostility with a veneer of humor.

Even if you’re smiling, people on the receiving end of sarcastic comments can feel belittled and think you’re being a jerk.

The term “sarcasm” comes from the Greek “sarkázein,” which means “to tear flesh, bite the lip in rage, sneer.” It’s no surprise that intentional sarcasm is sometimes preceded by the word “biting”—it can hurt.

Plus, since our actions shape our thoughts and feelings, consistently using sarcasm might only increase your underlying hostility and insecurity.

I’m not saying all sarcasm is bad. When used sparingly, it can give a conversation a little extra zing, like a splash of lemon juice in a dish. But just as too much lemon can overwhelm the flavor, too much sarcasm can overshadow the conversation and make the mood sour. Even with the best intentions, sarcasm can sometimes come off as hurtful, condescending, or dismissive.

Idea for Impact: If you can cut back on the sarcasm, you might be well advised to do so.

Go for clever wit instead—humor that’s straightforward and harmless, like poking fun at the little ironies and quirks of daily life, without picking on anyone personally.

You’ll be happier, kinder. And your relationships will improve.

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