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Entitlement and Anger Go Together

July 15, 2021 By Nagesh Belludi 1 Comment

Exaggerated entitlement could possibly explain what’s driving the recent surge of abusive or violent incidents on flights in America.

We live in a time where everyone seems hypervigilant to the point where even a slight snub can be taken as an act of deliberate aggression—either reactively or without provocation. People want to assert themselves, and every little social interaction seems to turn quickly into a battleground of entitlement.

Self-Protective Efforts Heighten Entitlement

To make things worse, air travel sits at the confluence of so many things involving so many people (and circumstances) where each “participant” has little direct control over what’s happening to them and others around. Political polarization and mask mandates seem to have intensified these anxieties too. Moreover, the FAA’s zero-tolerance policy toward disturbances and the threat of massive fines are unlikely to disincentivize passengers and staff in the heat of the moment.

When people feel entitled, they’re not just frustrated when others fail to acknowledge and entertain—even listen to—their presumed superior rights. People feel deceived and wronged. They feel victimized, get angry, and exude hostility. Worse, they feel even more justified in their demands and thus assume an even stronger sense of entitlement as compensation.

Idea for Impact: Entitlement and Responsibility are Inextricably Linked

Underlying this kind of anger process is a lack of separation of rights from responsibility. No professional, social, or domestic environment can remain stable and peaceful without everyone respecting the fact that rights and responsibilities are inseparable.

Nobody is entitled to compassion or fair treatment without acting on the responsibility to give it to others. If you don’t care about how others feel, you can’t demand that they care about how you feel. It’s a formula for disaster in human interactions.

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Leading Teams, Managing People, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Anger, Attitudes, Conflict, Conversations, Emotions, Getting Along, Listening, Mindfulness, Persuasion, Social Dynamics, Stress

The Problem of Living Inside Echo Chambers

June 14, 2021 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Psychologists use the term realistic ignorance to explain the human tendency to believe that we’re normal—that the way we see and do things is entirely representative of everybody else.

Realistic ignorance is intensified by our natural desire to associate with people similar to ourselves.

Social media algorithms make this worse—they reinforce our attitudes but not change them. They steer us to the type of stuff we already know and like. They make it easy for us to form our own echo chambers, packed with people who share the same views. This causes confirmation bias. Tribal allegiances form flawed ideas and viewpoints about what is typical for organizations and communities.

Idea for Impact: Seek out and engage thoughtful folks who don’t think like you. Discuss, debate, and improve your reasoned understanding of one another and of the crucial issues. Your goal should be to enhance your own awareness of the counterarguments in contentious matters, not win over anyone.

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Mental Models, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Conflict, Conviction, Critical Thinking, Getting Along, Persuasion, Politics, Social Dynamics, Thinking Tools

Ask for Forgiveness, Not Permission

April 20, 2021 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

A long time ago, I heard the managerial maxim, “you will move as fast as you can make decisions.” Amen to that.

That complements the mantra “’tis better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission”—that’s the oft-repeated rallying cry of entrepreneurial thinking.

You need to know when you shouldn’t—and can’t—wait for someone else’s approval to do the things you need to do to succeed. Every time you ask for buy-in, approval, or agreement, you’ll slow yourself down.

Depending on what’s at stake, you’ve got to know when moving forward does need consent. As with everything, you want to know your manager, team, partner, or spouse, how they operate, and their expectations for the group effort. If something’s an important-enough decision with high stakes, they’ll want to be in the loop.

Idea for Impact: Live speed. Where possible, don’t let dilly-dallying for permission endanger your decision-making success. It’s not about taking advantage of situations but about knowing when to push the boundaries. Where possible, aggressively move forward on your own and “get it done.”

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Managing People, Mental Models Tagged With: Change Management, Conflict, Conversations, Decision-Making, Getting Along, Procrastination, Social Skills, Teams, Thought Process

Witty Comebacks and Smart Responses for Nosy People

March 25, 2021 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

When somebody asks an invasive question that makes you feel offended, you’re never obligated to respond. Consider these smart responses.

  • A curious cousin: “I like your car/purse/home. How much did it cost?” Smart response: “Perhaps a tad more than I expected, but I like to pamper myself once in a while.”
  • Your inquisitive uncle: “How much do you make at this new job?” Smart response: “I do OK” or “I’d like to make more.”
  • Your snoopy coworker: “What was your doctor’s appointment for?” or “I heard you called in sick yesterday?” Smart response: “I’m just fine. Thanks for asking.”
  • The chatty visitor: “You’ve accomplished so much for your age! What are you? 30?” Smart response: “Still young at heart” or “I’m aging fast just thinking about it.”
  • A sneaky partier trying to estimate your age: “When did you graduate from high school?”Smart response: “When I heard Lucille Ball remark that a “man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.””
  • A zealous coworker who can’t stop talking about God: “What do you do on Sunday mornings?” Smart response: “I do non-work things.”
  • An office busy body suggests a date: “Do you think you could ask her out? I know she’s single.” Smart response: “I don’t know. I’d have to think about mixing work and relationships .”
  • A prying friend: “When are you getting married?” or “Are you guys trying for a baby?” Smart response: “I’m kinda private and would rather not talk about this.”
  • A wanna-be Judge Judy wants to solve your parents’ problems: “When are you going to move out of your parents? When will you get a real job?”Smart response: “When my parents start talking to me about it directly.”
  • An intrusive colleague who’s just learned you’re getting married: “Are you going to invite the deputy manager?” Smart response: “It’s up to me and my fiance.” You could add, “Actually, we’re having a small wedding. Just family and a few close friends.”
  • A nosy new neighbor: “What heritage are you? I mean, are you mixed race?” Smart response: “Good question. I’d like to remain mysterious.”
  • A perky lady in your yoga class: “You look great, how much do you weigh?” or “Have you lost weight this summer?” Smart response: “I don’t know—each time I step on the scale, it reads, PERFECT.”
  • A snooping friend asks you to share a secret: “What were you and Sally nattering about?” Smart response: “Can you keep a secret?” and when your friend says “yes,” sneer and say, “So can I!”

You can try to redirect the attention or leave the conversation by saying: “Let me refill my drink.” But some people just don’t get a deflection.

Responding snappishly but firmly will imply that that the issue is not open for further conversation. “Why do you need to know that about me?” or “Why do you ask?”

If somebody continues to badger you, assert, “it’s personal and I won’t discuss it. Please stop asking.” Be as concise as possible. You shouldn’t feel compelled to give an explanation or justify your unwillingness to talk about sensitive matters.

Idea for Impact: Don’t Feel Rude about Quelling Impolite Boundary-Violators

Most meddlesome people often lack self-awareness. Others may just be making friendly conversation and may not realize that they’re being tactless and prying. Yet others tend to over-share the personal and inappropriate details of their lives and assume it’s OK to expect you to too. We live in a “do ask, do tell” society.

Often, though, people just assume enough rapport to be able to ask delicate questions. Spending some time with friends and coworkers creates a false sense of affability and trust that really isn’t there. We’ve all made that mistake!

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Managing People, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Conflict, Conversations, Etiquette, Getting Along, Likeability, Networking, Social Life, Social Skills

Leadership is Being Visible at Times of Crises

February 25, 2021 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

It’s terrible optics for an elected official to leave his constituency while it’s in the midst of a crisis.

In a grave slip-up for an ambitious politician, Texas Senator Ted Cruz’s giving a lame excuse initially for his Cancún joint made him look insensitive. He was expected to stay and endure alongside his constituents, who were suffering from Texas’s recent freezing temperatures and blackouts.

Of course, Cruz didn’t do anything that hurt anybody, apart from drawing police resources away to shepherd him through the airport. Cruz’s argument—sensible in its own way—was that all he could do was be in regular communication with state and local officials who’re spearheading the crisis response. After all, Cruz has no formal power in the state administration.

As a comparison, King George and the Queen Mother declined to leave London as bombs shattered their city during World War II. As an expression of concern, and commitment to the Allied cause, they even visited sites destroyed during The Blitz of 1940.

Idea for Impact: Leadership means serving as an anchor during crisis times and being available, connected, and accessible during a crisis. Leaders can’t do everything, and they need to delegate responsibilities. However, entrustment should not entail emotional detachment.

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Leadership, Leading Teams Tagged With: Conflict, Critical Thinking, Decision-Making, Leadership, Leadership Lessons, Mindfulness, Problem Solving, Winning on the Job

Tribalism Needs to Self-Destruct

January 20, 2021 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Big Tech’s recent rush to repress provocative content has expanded the debate on free speech and the social-media algorithms’raw power to preside over how people see the world.

Democracy and free markets aren’t supposed to function this way. Overall, capitalism works because it typically rewards players for being right and penalizes players for being wrong. If you’re an investor and you’re wide of the mark about something, the market will penalize you.

That used to be valid with journalism too. Traditionally, if a mainstream news outlet got something wrong, it’d face disapproval, retractions, and embarrassment. If the outlet was wrong often enough, its circulation would shrink, and advertisers would drop.

Sadly, this feedback loop has gone. Our media consumption has become so segmented and tribal. For instance, Fox News could assert whatever it wants its audience to believe, and the market won’t punish it. Indeed, Fox News could even be rewarded with more significant viewership.

Tribal media consumption is especially manifest with social media because the platforms’business model is driven by tribe-segmentation, engagement, and clicks. Social media reward fanaticism, emotionalism, and hyperbole. There’s no natural self-regulating market apparatus any longer.

All told, tribalism and hyperpolarized filter bubbles have taken their toll. They’re contributing to society’s intellectual decay.

Idea for Impact: This isn’t as much a freedom-of-speech issue as it is a distribution issue. Yes, everyone should be free to express themselves without the interference of editors or other filters. But what does—and doesn’t—surface for consumption needs to be moderated. Gate-keeping must be done in a way that doesn’t devalue truth and ignore the counterevidence. Technology needs to pivot to help society break through the mental barriers of tribes.

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Filed Under: Managing People, News Analysis Tagged With: Conflict, Conversations, Conviction, Critical Thinking, Getting Along, Persuasion, Politics, Social Dynamics

Not Everyone’s Chill About Tattoos and Body Art

December 10, 2020 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Over the last decade or so, body art has gained more acceptance as a form of personal expression—akin to clothing, jewelry, or hairstyle. Workplace attitudes toward body art have slowly shifted.

Certain trades—especially arts and media—value individuality, especially in creative roles. Visible tattoos and body piercings are common and acceptable. However, consulting, law, management, recruitment, and other “traditional” trades are likely to find body art less compliant with the industry norms. Having a tattoo can even be seen as unprofessional and defiant—even intimidating.

You have the right to express yourself as long as you are respecting the company’s norms

For some conservative people, visible art suggests that you may have a problem with authority. One study showed that tattooed people are perceived to be less honest, motivated, and intelligent.

At some workplaces, your insistence on leaving large earrings and nose piercings on or dressing in short sleeves that reveal your tattoos signals to that employer that you don’t care about norms. You may be judged as a willful person insistent on exerting your individuality rather than fit in and belong.

Your appearance and behavior are expected to reflect your workplace’s values and culture, particularly in customers’ presence.

Employers are free to impose dress codes and grooming guidelines. Discrimination law does apply to matters related to age, gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, nationality, and religion—but not your sense of fashion.

Idea for Impact: Offensiveness is subjective, and everyone draws their lines differently

Don’t put yourself at a disadvantage. Consider the micro-cultural stereotypes concerning body art.

Seek a happy medium between personal style and dressing for work. Cover up and limit the number of visible piercings.

If you’re starting a new job and aren’t sure how body art will be perceived, consider a pilot. Instead of going “all in,” test the waters by displaying a little body art and see what sort of response you get.

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Couldn’t We Use a Little More Civility and Respect in Our Conversations?

December 9, 2020 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

The New York Times recently had an article about a Smith College-class that addresses America’s burgeoning addiction to contempt.

The power of mindful conversation to change minds

The lecturer, reproductive justice-activist Loretta J. Ross, is highlighting the ills of call-out culture. Her class challenges the proclivity to persecute every presumed infringement against morality and represent the victim as somebody intolerable to decent society.

Ross doesn’t believe people should be publicly shamed for accidentally misgendering a classmate, for sending a stupid tweet they now regret; or for, say, admitting they once liked a piece of pop culture now viewed in a different light, such as “The Cosby Show.”

What I’m really impatient with is calling people out for something they said when they were a teenager when they’re now 55. I mean, we all at some point did some unbelievably stupid stuff as teenagers, right?

Call-out culture has taken conversations that could have once been learning opportunities and turned them into mud wrestling. “It really does alienate people, and makes them fearful of speaking up.”

The antidote to that outrage cycle, Professor Ross believes, is “calling in.” Calling in is like calling out, but done privately and with respect. “It’s a call out done with love,” she said. That may mean simply sending someone a private message, or even ringing them on the telephone to discuss the matter, or simply taking a breath before commenting, screen-shotting or demanding one “do better” without explaining how.

Calling out assumes the worst. Calling in involves conversation, compassion and context. It doesn’t mean a person should ignore harm, slight or damage, but nor should she, he or they exaggerate it. “Every time somebody disagrees with me it’s not ‘verbal violence.'”

Debate the issues, Avoid gratuitous name-calling

The recent election has underscored that we continue to be a deeply divided nation. Americans are ever more passionate about their beliefs and committed to their causes. Ideological affiliation is increasingly a matter of tribal identity. Presenting facts can sometimes backfire. In the narrow-minded pursuit of “goodness,” our society has manifested a disgraceful habit of dismissing people with differing attitudes as less than human, “deplorable,” and not worth consideration.

Differences of opinion are natural and healthy facets of any community. The various issues that we face are complicated, affecting different people in different ways. We must be able to express and accept our differences with civility.

  • Listen to the other in interpersonal confrontations. Put yourself in the other’s shoes and mull over a perspective you hadn’t considered previously. There may be a well-founded concern that you weren’t aware of, and you could soften your position and, perhaps, lead you to different conclusions.
  • Don’t approach debates as “take no prisoners” battles. Build bridges with your ideological opponents. If you never earnestly consider others’ opinions, your mind will shrink and become its own little echo chamber.

Idea for Impact: You can’t change minds by damning your opponents

Be civil and respectful of others’ views. As President Obama has reminded, the world is “messy” and full of “ambiguities,” and “if all you’re doing is casting stones, you’re probably not going to get that far.”

Before trying to change others’ minds, consider how difficult it is to change your own.

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Filed Under: Mental Models, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Conflict, Conversations, Critical Thinking, Getting Along, Persuasion, Social Dynamics, Thinking Tools

Don’t Be Friends with Your Boss

October 16, 2020 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Develop a cordial, constructive, and trusting relationship with your boss. But don’t extend that connection into a chummy friendship.

A boss-employee friendship comes with complications and tensions that don’t exist in other relationships. The boundaries in friendships are softer and more diffuse. In a boss-employee relationship, the boundaries are more pronounced, and rightly so.

When you’ve got a great rapport that comes with a friendship, it’s easy to start expecting to be treated a bit better than everyone else on your team. You’ll be disappointed when some special consideration—a plump assignment or a flexible vacation schedule—doesn’t come your way. Your boss will expect you to abide by the same standards and rules as everyone else.

You also have to be more vigilant about how your friendship appears to other people.

Idea for Impact: Boss first, friend second. Don’t mix the two. Sure, be friendly with your boss, but don’t expect to be treated as a friend.

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The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln // Book Summary of ‘Team of Rivals’

October 5, 2020 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Abraham Lincoln is one of history’s most admired leaders. There’s no better rendering of his leadership approach than historian Doris Kearns Goodwin’s fascinating Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln (2005.)

In this Pulitzer Prize-winning work, Goodwin chronicles Lincoln’s early life and his surprising rise to the top of the political world. However, Goodwin’s focus is on Lincoln’s presidency.

President Barack Obama, who never shies away from comparisons to Lincoln, was so impressed with the book that he famously created his own “team of rivals”—a cabinet with Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and Tom Vilsack.

Lincoln was a genius for putting his political foes in his cabinet

After Lincoln was elected president in 1860, he knew that people doubted his ability. The country couldn’t be in worse straits. Nonetheless, he was determined to bring together a team of the absolute best people, lead the nation through the Civil War, and put an end to slavery.

And he did precisely that—no matter that those people held very different views or even disliked him personally. Three of Lincoln’s prominent cabinet members were better-known political foes who had campaigned against him in the 1860 election: Attorney General Edward Bates, Secretary of the Treasury Salmon P. Chase (he never stopped scheming politically against Lincoln,) and Secretary of State William H. Seward. Contrasting his three rivals, Lincoln had served only briefly in elected office—and he had steered clear of committing himself on slavery apart from asserting that America could not persist under the circumstances.

Lincoln’s political genius revealed through his extraordinary array of personal qualities that enabled him to form friendships with men who had previously opposed him; to repair injured feelings that, left untended, might have escalated into permanent hostility; to assume responsibility for the failures of subordinates; to share credit with ease; and to learn from mistakes. He possessed an acute understanding of the sources of power inherent in the presidency, an unparalleled ability to keep his governing coalition intact, a tough-minded appreciation of the need to protect his presidential prerogatives, and a masterful sense of timing.

Goodwin explains how Lincoln won people over and mobilized them in the face of their disparate abilities, personalities, and motivations. Lincoln created the micro-coalitions necessary to pursue his overall strategy.

Having risen to power with fewer privileges than any of his rivals, Lincoln was more accustomed to rely upon himself to shape events. … Seward, Chase, Bates—they were indeed strong men. But in the end, it was the prairie lawyer from Springfield who would emerge as the strongest of them all.

Conflict and inclusion of others’ perspectives can make the sum greater than the parts

Lincoln’s unusual combination of forgiving human spirit and sharp political instincts converted his enemies into (mostly) loyal friends and advisers.

Team of Rivals emphasizes Lincoln’s tactics and small, incremental decisions in aid of his larger purpose. Lincoln understood that the leader’s fundamental responsibility is to procure the support needed to unleash ideas and move them forward.

Goodwin captures Lincoln’s vulnerabilities, patience, intelligence, and fantastic will. Goodwin writes, “Good leadership requires you to surround yourself with people of diverse perspectives who can disagree with you without fear of retaliation.” A good leader takes the time to understand all sides of the issue and embrace alternative perspectives.

Lincoln’s mastery of men molded the most significant presidency in the nation’s history

To Goodwin, Lincoln was a political genius who picked the talent he needed, welcomed dissent, listened to his opponents, sought common ground, and piloted tough choices.

“Once a president gets to the White House, the only audience that is left that really matters is history.” Lincoln understood that leadership isn’t about being right, but doing the right thing. This is particularly obvious in how Goodwin describes Lincoln’s determined course of action on slavery.

Team of Rivals states that Lincoln was not an abolitionist by any means, but it’s clear that, in his heart, he was against slavery. After all, slavery was protected by the constitution. But Lincoln gained a better understanding and insight as the years went by. “Life was to him a school.”

Lincoln agreed with the abolitionists that slavery was “a moral, a social and a political wrong,” his plan to free the slaves divided his cabinet. He had always made it clear that preserving the Union trumped all other goals. He became increasingly aware of the need for the Union to embrace the end of the institution of slavery without creating further discord within his own administration and in a fractured state.

Lincoln’s political genius was not simply his ability to gather the best men of the country around him, but to impress upon them his own purpose, perception and resolution at every juncture.

For months, Lincoln let his cabinet deliberate about if—and when—slavery should be abolished. In the end, he conclusively made up his mind to issue his historic Emancipation Proclamation. He gathered his cabinet and told them that he no longer needed their inputs on the pivotal issue—but he would listen to their ideas about how best to implement his decision and its timing. When one cabinet member urged Lincoln to wait for a triumph on the field to issue the proclamation, Lincoln took his counsel.

The desultory talk abruptly ended when Lincoln took the floor and announced he had called them together in order to read the preliminary draft of an emancipation proclamation. He understood the ‘differences in the Cabinet on the slavery question’ and welcomed their suggestions after they heard what he had to say; but he wanted them to know that he ‘had resolved upon this step, and had not called them together to ask their advice.’ … His draft proclamation set January 1, 1863, little more than five months away, as the date on which all slaves within states still in rebellion against the Union would be declared free, ‘thenceforward, and forever.’ … The proclamation was shocking in scope. In a single stroke, it superseded legislation on slavery and property rights that had guided policy in eleven states for nearly three quarters of a century. … The cabinet listened in silence … The members were startled by the boldness of Lincoln’s proclamation.

‘Team of Rivals’ is one of the great leadership books

Goodwin’s chunky (750+ pages plus references) book is a serious commitment. The first third of the book is bogged down by particulars of the lives of Lincoln and his three “rivals” in local and regional politics. But these sections are worth plodding through because the backstories paint a richer picture of the personalities, their intentions and motivations, and how they evolved over time.

All four studied law, became distinguished orators, entered politics, and opposed the spread of slavery. Their upward climb was one followed by many thousands who left the small towns of their birth to seek opportunity and the adventure in the rapidly growing cities of a dynamic, expanding America.

Just as a hologram is created through the interference of light from separate sources, so the lives and impressions of those who companioned Lincoln give us a clearer and more dimensional picture of the president himself. Lincoln’s barren childhood, his lack of schooling, his relationships with male friends, his complicated marriage, the nature of his ambition, and his ruminations about death can be analyzed more clearly when he is placed side by side with his three contemporaries.

Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy called Lincoln, “so great he overshadows all other national heroes.” In the closing pages of Team of Rivals, Goodwin quotes Tolstoy (mentioned by Count S. Stakelberg per New York World on February 7, 1909):

Lincoln’s supremacy expresses itself altogether in his peculiar moral power and in the greatness of his character. … We are still too near to his greatness, but after a few centuries more our posterity will find him considerably bigger than we do. His genius is still too strong and too powerful for the common understanding, just as the sun is too hot when its light beams directly on us.

Recommendation: ‘Team of Rivals’ is a Necessary Read

Goodwin’s Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln (2005) is a fascinating account of how President Abraham Lincoln held the Union together through the civil war, partially by bringing his political rivals into his cabinet and persuading them to work together. Particularly poignant is Goodwin’s characterization of Lincoln as the stoic head of a family afflicted by death and depression.

What makes Team of Rivals such a rich experience is Goodwin’s powerful lessons on bridging differences of opinion and using diverse perspectives to lead more effectively. These themes on leadership are very relevant outside the historical context.

Complement with Steven Spielberg’s remarkable Lincoln (2012,) which was inspired by Team of Rivals. Actor Daniel Day-Lewis won his third Best Actor Oscar for his masterful portrayal of Lincoln.

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Filed Under: Great Personalities, Leadership Reading Tagged With: Abraham Lincoln, Books, Conflict, Getting Along, Mindfulness, Persuasion

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About: Nagesh Belludi [hire] is a St. Petersburg, Florida-based freethinker, investor, and leadership coach. He specializes in helping executives and companies ensure that the overall quality of their decision-making benefits isn’t compromised by a lack of a big-picture understanding.

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