Right Attitudes

Ideas for Impact

Managing People

Avoid Control Talk

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If you tend to say the following to your employees, relatives, or friends, you may be too controlling:

  • “I don’t understand why you haven’t completed that report yet.”
  • “I want you to say sorry to Accounting about your problem. I need you to go over there, make amends with them, and inform me of how it went.”
  • “We will meet at 4 P.M.”

Control talk is expected and natural. It often transpires in day-to-day conversation as a device to influence or persuade the world to see and act our way. Within certain limits of performance, control talk is accepted in critical situations.

However, control talk can get out of bounds quickly and become perceived as a threat. When one party to any conversation has more perceived power—formal or informal authority, perhaps,—unreasonable control talk can soon push the other to concede this power imbalance and restrain what he/she wants. As the American family counselor Dr Tim Kimmel writes in Powerful Personalities (1993,) “Control is when you leverage the strength of your position or personality against the weakness of someone else’s in order to get that person to meet your (selfish) agenda.”

Control talk can promptly engender intense negative emotions. The ensuing conflict becomes evident in the tone of voice, posture, and facial and body expressions. After that, self-defensive reactions will only make matters worse.

Keep all communication with others candid and respectful. Frame your messages in a positive manner that does not contain sarcasm, imply warning, provoke guilt or blame, or suggest intimidation. Summarize what you heard, and ask questions. Practice pauses—they give the other a moment of silence to get beyond the emotional response and allow them to think cognitively.

Wherever possible, ask open-ended questions to de-escalate an argument. Open-ended questions are an invitation to be nonjudgmental, investigate, relate, and see things differently. Try these alternatives:

  • “Tell me more—I want to understand. What can I do to make your job easier?”
  • “Let’s discuss possible solutions to that Accounting problem. How can we change the situation?”
  • “Are you available for a 4 P.M. meeting? Let’s see what we can do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Wise persuasion elegantly combines rational arguments and appeals to positive values and the other’s feelings about a subject. Only when you can engage them emotionally can you change the way they think.

Idea for Impact: When it comes to persuasion, knowing when to push and when to back off is vital. Nobody likes a pushy person.

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  2. ‘I Told You So’
  3. Avoid Trigger Words: Own Your Words with Grace and Care
  4. The Trouble with Accusing Someone of Virtue Signaling
  5. Ever Wonder Why People Resist Gifts? // Reactance Theory

Why You Should Celebrate Small Wins

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Small steps are more manageable than big, daunting ones. Small wins aren’t just a great way to make progress. They’re good for your emotional well-being too.

Peter Sims writes in Little Bets: How Breakthrough Ideas Emerge from Small Discoveries (2013,)

Small wins are like footholds or building blocks amid the inevitable uncertainty of moving forward, or as the case may be, laterally. They serve as what Saras Sarasvathy calls landmarks, and they can either confirm that we’re heading in the right direction or they can act as pivot points, telling us how to change course.

In the acclaimed paper in which [University of Michigan psychologist Karl] Weick described small wins, published in the January 1984 issue of American Psychologist, he used the example of how helpful it is for alcoholics to focus on remaining sober one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. Stringing together successive days of sobriety helps them to see the rewards of abstinence and makes it more achievable in their minds. Elaborating on the benefits of small wins, Weick writes, “Once a small win has been accomplished, forces are set in motion that favor another small win.”

Each time you accomplish a small step, have a little voice whisper in your ear, “You accomplished more than you had ten minutes ago!” This affirmation can help you recognize the momentum you’ve created and stimulate you to get absorbed in more of the task. By the end of the hour or the day, you’ll feel like you’ve had multiple wins on your way towards the larger goal.

A big hurdle to change is the resistance from believing that the pain of attempting major change is too rarely worth it. But researchers believe that any accomplishment, no matter how small, activates your brain’s reward circuitry, releasing dopamine, the pleasure hormone. That can evoke the motivational appeal of an outcome, which in turn can hook you toward achieving even more.

Keep sight of the small victories. Those are the ones that keep you going. If you’re a manager, celebrate even ordinary, incremental progress—that’ll improve your team’s engagement.

Idea for Impact: Celebrate your small wins—it’ll make you feel good about yourself. Attention to small wins can help people lift themselves out of fear and hopelessness—this is the crux of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT.)

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The Difference between Directive and Non-Directive Coaching

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When coaching, many managers’first impulse is to jump into solution mode and fix problems by recommending solutions. The advice is often framed as, “I’ve seen this condition before, and you should do X. That’s what worked for me when I was working at company Y.”

The Directive Coaching Style is suitable when your employee doesn’t have the time, skills, temperament, or patience to resolve her problem.

The Non-Directive Coaching Style, in contrast, encourages the employee to think through her problem and develop her own solution. This coaching style takes more time but is usually more effective, especially if the situation is complicated.

Suppose the problem presents a skill or competence that the employee can learn. In that case, a good coach nurtures the employee by challenging her to mull over the situation objectively. Merely supplying the right solution is wasted if she doesn’t understand it or internalize it well enough.

The most effective coaches I know tend to dwell less on the “what’s to be done” and more on instilling the “how to think about.”

Idea for Impact: When offering advice, steer the thought process. Don’t dictate the outcome. Employees are more likely to be invested in the solutions they come up with.

Wondering what to read next?

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  3. What Knowledge Workers Want Most: Management-by-Exception
  4. Avoid Control Talk
  5. What Jeeves Teaches About Passive Voice as a Tool of Tact

Tweets, Egos, and Double-Crosses: Summary of Nick Bilton’s ‘Hatching Twitter’

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I spent the weekend reading New York Times technology writer Nick Bilton’s captivating Hatching Twitter: A True Story of Money, Power, Friendship, and Betrayal (2013.) This tome exposes the dark side of Twitter’s tense founding and the relationships amongst the company’s four founders, Evan Williams (@Ev,) Jack Dorsey (@Jack,) Biz Stone (@Biz,) and Noah Glass (@Noah.)

Personal ambitions unleashed a barrage of backstabbing

This motley crew of four San Francisco transplants chanced upon one another when trying to make it in Silicon Valley and became close friends. They started Twitter in 2006 as a side project at Odeo, an ailing podcasting business bankrolled by Evan Williams. With an appealing—albeit frenzied—startup idealism and naïvete, they forged ahead with the notion of a platform that offered everybody an equal voice in 140 characters.

However, when Twitter began to gain traction as a status-sharing service, tensions quickly emerged between the co-founders. The four founders came to blows over just what Twitter was supposed to be and for the right to be recognized as having conceived it.

Lesson #1 from Twitter’s founding: Never mix business and friendship

The Twitter team’s infighting almost tore the microblogging company apart on more than one occasion in its early days. There was even acrimony over who got to sit by First Lady Michelle Obama at a Time 100 Most Influential People soiree.

Noah Glass, the “forgotten founder,” championed it initially and conceived Twitter’s name. Awkwardly, he was booted out before the startup even incorporated. He was left empty-handed from the contraption he had built and fought for when it was still an idea.

Biz Stone, the tactician and go-between, threatened to quit out of disgust with the infighting.

Hatching Twitter is particularly sympathetic to Evan Williams. He bankrolled Twitter as a fork of Odeo. He pivoted Twitter as a means for talking about what is happening in the world. Williams goaded it to prominence simultaneously as he tried in vain to keep Dorsey’s egotism in check.

Lesson #2 from Twitter’s Founding: Self-sabotage can undermine your hard work

For Jack Dorsey, Twitter was always about telling other people what you were doing and making them feel less alone. Williams chose Dorsey as CEO when Twitter formally became its own company. However, their relationship quickly soured. Dorsey failed to address Twitter’s early technical flaws, even as he took plenty of time to pursue hobbies outside of work. Twitter’s venture investors and Williams ultimately overthrew Dorsey.

Dorsey got bitter and launched another startup called Square (it’s now a thriving digital payments company.) Exploiting the public confusion about his role as Twitter’s chairman (albeit without a vote on the board,) Dorsey went on a media blitz to promote himself as Twitter’s sole inventor and the platform’s real brain.

Author Bilton makes Twitter’s founders seem so inept that one marvels at how the company got anywhere. But even as Dorsey and Williams squabbled, Twitter’s users set in motion a cultural phenomenon through retweets, @replies, and #hashtags. These three precepts gave Twitter its unique depth, scope, and versatility.

Later on, Williams got the boot in a coup d’etat orchestrated by a guileful Dorsey. He returned as Twitter’s executive chairman alongside a new chief executive. Dick Costolo, a former professional comic, made Twitter a revenue-earning business and steered it to an IPO.

Lesson #3 from Twitter’s Founding: Distribute credit—There’s plenty to go around

Interpersonal conflicts are the black ice of startups. Individual styles and priorities that are at odds with other founders can cause much drama in entrepreneurship. At the startup companies that I’ve been involved in, rifts have often forced co-founders to press mediators into their service and learn how to embrace conflict and establish boundaries.

When things are going well at any startup, everyone’s too busy to have much to disagree about. When the startup hits the skids, disputes pop up even where you’d least expect them. Some 65% of startups are suspected of failing because of interpersonal tensions within the founding team.

Hatching Twitter excels in shining a light not just on the founders’ conflicting personalities but how their individual dispositions affected what Twitter became:

Jack had the germ of the idea, of people sharing their status … Without Noah’s vision of a service that could connect people who felt alone, and a name that people would remember, Twitter would never exist. It was Ev who insisted on making Twitter about ‘what’s happening ..’. and without Biz’s ethical stance … Twitter would be a very different company.

Hatching Twitter, The Company That Almost Wasn’t

Recommendation: Quick-read Nick Bilton’s Hatching Twitter (2013.) It’s a fast-paced, entertaining back-story to how Twitter was founded and the drama caused by its founders’ personality conflicts and all the alliances and ousters and betrayals.

Nick Bilton tells an exciting saga of rivalries turning to fallings-out, hubris unfolding. As great wealth is built and lost, Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg notes, “[Twitter is] such as mess—it’s as if they drove a clown car into a gold mine and fell in.” Bilton is gossipy, and his narrative tends to theatrical—an undeniable fodder for an inevitable Hollywood adaptation.

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Create a Diversity and Inclusion Policy

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The moral and business cases for diversity are well known—a diverse and inclusive workplace earns deeper trust and more commitment from their employees.

Having a diversity and inclusion policy is simply the right thing to do—leaders have to make their values and intentions clear.

As a company, you’re not legally required to have a written diversity and inclusion policy. Nevertheless, it’s a good idea to create and actively use one.

Diversity and inclusion are ongoing initiatives—not one-off training. (Sadly, diversity classes are sometimes just a tactic for reducing employee lawsuits.) A policy encourages your employees to treat others equally with civility and decency and helps managers value employees for their strengths.

In many discrimination claims, employers may have a defense if they can show that they took all reasonable steps to deter discrimination. A comprehensive policy and recent appropriate training can help employers distance themselves from liability for acts such as harassment by an individual perpetrator employed by your company.

A policy also demonstrates that your company takes its legal and moral responsibilities towards being a diverse and inclusive employer earnestly.

Idea for Impact: A strong diversity and inclusion policy can help your company embed good practices—not only across your organization but also throughout your supply chains, including the customers and the communities your company serves.

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  4. Teams That Thrive make it Safe to Speak & Safe to Fail
  5. Managing the Overwhelmed: How to Coach Stressed Employees

Nobody Wants Your Unsolicited Advice

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Unsolicited advice may be motivated by a genuine interest in helping. Still, it could have roots in a narcissistic desire to prove yourself useful or establish your dominance or elevated understanding of things.

If you’re inclined to fly your own kite, your heart may not in the right place.

Getting your unsolicited advice can leave other people feeling resentful. They may refuse to give in. They may perceive your “just being helpful” as a transgression and an affront to their freedoms to do as they wish. Nobody wants to be told that they’re on the wrong path or that their decisions are misguided.

Idea for Impact: Giving Unsolicited Advice is Invasive. Reactance theory causes people to resist the social influence of others. People believe that they possess certain freedoms to engage in—and unsolicited advice can threaten this sense of free behaviors.

Now, to turn the tables, if someone offers you unsolicited advice, assume the advice-giver’s good intentions, express thanks to the advice-giver, then accept or reject the advice solely on its merits. Too, consider your relationship with that person. If they’re a stranger whom you may never see again, offer a polite response, and move on. If they’re a co-worker or a family member, have a conversation on setting boundaries.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. What’s Wrong With Giving Advice
  2. Avoid Control Talk
  3. ‘I Told You So’
  4. Signs Your Helpful Hand Might Stray to Sass
  5. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond

Ask for Forgiveness, Not Permission

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A long time ago, I heard the managerial maxim, “you will move as fast as you can make decisions.” Amen to that.

That complements the mantra “’tis better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission”—that’s the oft-repeated rallying cry of entrepreneurial thinking.

You need to know when you shouldn’t—and can’t—wait for someone else’s approval to do the things you need to do to succeed. Every time you ask for buy-in, approval, or agreement, you’ll slow yourself down.

Depending on what’s at stake, you’ve got to know when moving forward does need consent. As with everything, you want to know your manager, team, partner, or spouse, how they operate, and their expectations for the group effort. If something’s an important-enough decision with high stakes, they’ll want to be in the loop.

Idea for Impact: Live speed. Where possible, don’t let dilly-dallying for permission endanger your decision-making success. It’s not about taking advantage of situations but about knowing when to push the boundaries. Where possible, aggressively move forward on your own and “get it done.”

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Witty Comebacks and Smart Responses for Nosy People

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When somebody asks an invasive question that makes you feel offended, you’re never obligated to respond. Consider these smart responses.

  • A curious cousin: “I like your car/purse/home. How much did it cost?” Smart response: “Perhaps a tad more than I expected, but I like to pamper myself once in a while.”
  • Your inquisitive uncle: “How much do you make at this new job?” Smart response: “I do OK” or “I’d like to make more.”
  • Your snoopy coworker: “What was your doctor’s appointment for?” or “I heard you called in sick yesterday?” Smart response: “I’m just fine. Thanks for asking.”
  • The chatty visitor: “You’ve accomplished so much for your age! What are you? 30?” Smart response: “Still young at heart” or “I’m aging fast just thinking about it.”
  • A sneaky partier trying to estimate your age: “When did you graduate from high school?”Smart response: “When I heard Lucille Ball remark that a “man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.””
  • A zealous coworker who can’t stop talking about God: “What do you do on Sunday mornings?” Smart response: “I do non-work things.”
  • An office busy body suggests a date: “Do you think you could ask her out? I know she’s single.” Smart response: “I don’t know. I’d have to think about mixing work and relationships .”
  • A prying friend: “When are you getting married?” or “Are you guys trying for a baby?” Smart response: “I’m kinda private and would rather not talk about this.”
  • A wanna-be Judge Judy wants to solve your parents’ problems: “When are you going to move out of your parents? When will you get a real job?”Smart response: “When my parents start talking to me about it directly.”
  • An intrusive colleague who’s just learned you’re getting married: “Are you going to invite the deputy manager?” Smart response: “It’s up to me and my fiance.” You could add, “Actually, we’re having a small wedding. Just family and a few close friends.”
  • A nosy new neighbor: “What heritage are you? I mean, are you mixed race?” Smart response: “Good question. I’d like to remain mysterious.”
  • A perky lady in your yoga class: “You look great, how much do you weigh?” or “Have you lost weight this summer?” Smart response: “I don’t know—each time I step on the scale, it reads, PERFECT.”
  • A snooping friend asks you to share a secret: “What were you and Sally nattering about?” Smart response: “Can you keep a secret?” and when your friend says “yes,” sneer and say, “So can I!”

You can try to redirect the attention or leave the conversation by saying: “Let me refill my drink.” But some people just don’t get a deflection.

Responding snappishly but firmly will imply that that the issue is not open for further conversation. “Why do you need to know that about me?” or “Why do you ask?”

If somebody continues to badger you, assert, “it’s personal and I won’t discuss it. Please stop asking.” Be as concise as possible. You shouldn’t feel compelled to give an explanation or justify your unwillingness to talk about sensitive matters.

Idea for Impact: Don’t Feel Rude about Quelling Impolite Boundary-Violators

Most meddlesome people often lack self-awareness. Others may just be making friendly conversation and may not realize that they’re being tactless and prying. Yet others tend to over-share the personal and inappropriate details of their lives and assume it’s OK to expect you to too. We live in a “do ask, do tell” society.

Often, though, people just assume enough rapport to be able to ask delicate questions. Spending some time with friends and coworkers creates a false sense of affability and trust that really isn’t there. We’ve all made that mistake!

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Five Ways … You Could Score Points with Your Boss

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  1. Know that your job is to help the boss win. If you’re not sure what exactly represents success for your boss, ask. Keep her goals in mind when presenting ideas. Minimize your use of her time and resources.
  2. Keep track of everything your boss puts on your plate. Let her realize that if she assigns something to you, it’s either going to be handled, or you’ll bring it back up with her for a follow-up.
  3. Size up your boss’s style. Is she a delegator (don’t overwhelm her with detailed updates) or a hand-holder (involve her in making decisions—even if to ask, “Does that sound right to you?”)? Match up your boss’s communication preferences.
  4. Identify your boss’s pet peeves. Is it being late to appointments, dropping by unexpectedly, bringing a problem to her without suggesting a remedy, or coming to a meeting unprepared? Avoid them like land mines.
  5. Take upon yourself any aspect of your boss’s job that she doesn’t find particularly interesting. You’ll improve her work-life quality. (And you’ll broaden your experiences and become noticeable to other leaders.)

Bonus: If she’s a good boss, tell her. Few people think to say it. Praise, but don’t flatter.

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“But, Excuse Me, I’m Type A”: The Ultimate Humblebrag?

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Our increasingly egotistical culture sanctions competitiveness, achievement-orientation, impatience, assertiveness, and work-fixation. Fine. But do we need to recast selfishness, greed, aggressiveness, and egotism as virtues?

Consider the assertion “I’m type A” you’ll often hear from people who’re harried and quick to anger. That expression has become the ultimate humblebrag—an announcement for the narcissistic self, indeed. It’s often a lead up to some form of a self-absorbed burden to be imposed on others.

Intense people are off-putting, particularly to laid-back types

The designation “Type A” was presented as a negative characterization in the 1970s by cardiologists—not psychologists—about people prone to so-called “hurry sickness.” These people tend to get angry and, consequently, have a higher risk of cardiovascular disease.

Now then, “I’m type A” has become the special consent some people expect to be granted to be a bit infuriating. It’s a polite declaration of the self-conscious entitlement, “I have somewhat better standards. Sorry to be so persistent.” “Sorry to squeeze you dry on this project, but I’m driven to deliver my best.”

Idea for Impact: If you’re a Type A, by all means, be an overachiever, strong-minded, demanding, whatever. But be all these without being obnoxious or instinctively imposing uncalled-for pressure on everything and everybody and every time. Lighten up.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Avoid Control Talk
  2. ‘I Told You So’
  3. Avoid Trigger Words: Own Your Words with Grace and Care
  4. The Trouble with Accusing Someone of Virtue Signaling
  5. How Small Talk in Italy Changed My Perspective on Talking to Strangers