Right Attitudes

Ideas for Impact

Worry

Nobody Wants Your Unsolicited Advice

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Nobody Wants Your Unsolicited Advice Unsolicited advice may be motivated by a genuine interest in helping. Still, it could have roots in a narcissistic desire to prove yourself useful or establish your dominance or elevated understanding of things.

If you’re inclined to fly your own kite, your heart may not in the right place.

Getting your unsolicited advice can leave other people feeling resentful. They may refuse to give in. They may perceive your “just being helpful” as a transgression and an affront to their freedoms to do as they wish. Nobody wants to be told that they’re on the wrong path or that their decisions are misguided.

Idea for Impact: Giving Unsolicited Advice is Invasive. Reactance theory causes people to resist the social influence of others. People believe that they possess certain freedoms to engage in—and unsolicited advice can threaten this sense of free behaviors.

Now, to turn the tables, if someone offers you unsolicited advice, assume the advice-giver’s good intentions, express thanks to the advice-giver, then accept or reject the advice solely on its merits. Too, consider your relationship with that person. If they’re a stranger whom you may never see again, offer a polite response, and move on. If they’re a co-worker or a family member, have a conversation on setting boundaries.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. What’s Wrong With Giving Advice
  2. Mentoring: The Best Advice You Can Offer
  3. What to Do When You Forget a Person’s Name
  4. Witty Comebacks and Smart Responses for Nosy People
  5. How to Get Good Advice and Use It Effectively

Don’t Hide from Your Feelings, Accept Them

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Emotional Acceptance---Don't Hide from Your Feelings, Accept Them When you’re feeling upset, angry, stressed, or sad, don’t deny, withhold, or hide from your feelings. Think about what it is that’s making you feel this way.

Emotional Acceptance refers to the willingness and ability to accept and experience negative emotions—to acknowledge and absorb them. Jan Chozen Bays, a pediatrician-turned Zen teacher, writes in Mindfulness on the Go: Simple Meditation Practices You Can Do Anywhere (2014,) a practical guide for engaging the mind,

A very important way to work with discomfort is to stop avoiding it. You will walk right into it and feel from within the body what is true. You investigate the discomfort—its size, shape, surface texture and even its color and sound. Is it constant or intermittent? When you are this attentive, when your meditative absorption is deep, what we call discomfort or pain begins to shift and even disappear. It becomes a series of sensations just appearing and disappearing in empty space, twinkling on and off. It is most interesting.

Mindfulness practice needn’t be just for negative emotions, either. Are you feeling happy and joyful? Calm and content? Apprehensive or remorseful? No matter the case, taking stock of how you’re feeling can help you realize that your emotions do not represent you. They don’t have to define your thoughts.

Practicing this self-reflective process regularly will help you better understand yourself, break negative patterns in your life, and react to emotional situations in a wholesome, more productive way.

Idea for Impact: Practice Emotional Acceptance—Feeling Bad Can Be Good

Emotional avoidance appears to be a reasonable thing to do. Yes, it provides momentary relief in the here and now. But emotional avoidance often involves denying the truth—and that isn’t a good foundation for a healthy life.

Over time, it only makes things worse to avoid the thing that scares you. Create the awareness to feel your feelings, label them, accept them, and then let them fade.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. The Power of Negative Thinking
  2. “What Am I Sad About?”
  3. Learn to Manage Your Negative Emotions and Yourself
  4. Understand What’s Stressing You Out
  5. The More You Can Manage Your Emotions, the More Effective You’ll Be

“What Am I Sad About?”

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When you’re struggling with sadness, part of your feelings may involve experiencing a lot of distress and shame about how sad you feel.

You probably won’t even realize it’s happening, but you’ll feel like “I shouldn’t be this sad” and that “my sadness is a weakness.”

Befriending your feelings and feeling your emotions

It shouldn’t always feel like it’s just you.

When you acknowledge your sadness, you can actually perceive how you’re tunneling yourself into more gloom. Then you could do a much better job of accepting your sadness as it is, as the Bohemian-Austrian poet and novelist Rainer Maria Rilke reminds in the masterpiece Letters to a Young Poet (1929):

How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races – the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses. Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are only princesses waiting for us to act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.

So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises before you larger than any you’ve ever seen, if an anxiety like light and cloud shadows moves over your hands and everything that you do. You must realize that something has happened to you; that life has not forgotten you; it holds you in its hands and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you.

Thinking through “What am I sad about?” can help you get happier

Try to redirect the blame from yourself and recognize that sadness is a natural and reasonable response to the miseries of the world—some of them personal, some collective.

Yes, believing in yourself in the face of self-doubt can be challenging. But the extent of sadness isn’t immutable.

Thinking through Sadness with Self-Compassion You can trigger a vast shift in how you feel by dropping self-criticism and embracing a more kind, non-judgmental relationship with yourself. Sadness isn’t a state of sin.

  • Change “I can’t do this” to “this will be a challenge for me; it’s normal to feel anxious.
  • Accept “I hate this” with “this is a tough situation to handle, and I’m doing my best.”
  • Persuade yourself to substitute “I hate myself” with “I’m overwhelmed with low self-esteem at the moment, and I need to cheer myself as I would a friend.”
  • Instead of repenting, “I can’t believe it slipped my mind again,” let yourself off by acknowledging, “it’s difficult to balance so many things. Perhaps I need to let go of some of them.”

Idea for Impact: Befriending your feelings and not identifying with these feelings as your self can affirm not only who you are but also what you believe you can be. Even when you feel disturbed because you’re falling back into past patterns, bear in mind that simply being aware that you’ve retreated into going over the past is a precursor of growth. Self-awareness can pave the way to a great leap forward in your personal transformation.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  2. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal
  3. The Power of Negative Thinking
  4. Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself
  5. This May Be the Most Potent Cure for Melancholy

Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself

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It’s okay to be wrong about things. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay if things don’t go the way you purposed. It’s okay if you say something embarrassing. It’s okay if you make a fool of yourself. It’s okay if you failed. It’s okay if you disappointed a loved one.

We’ve all made mistakes—rushed decisions, careless oversights, and lapses of judgment. Even after taking the thoughtful time and overanalyzing them, we’ve not been able to avoid faults.

And after their immediate effects come to pass, our minds are assaulted by those woulda-coulda-shoulda ruminations.

Don't Be So Hard on Yourself Mistakes are a natural part of your journey. They’re patches of rough and bumpy ground that will eventually help you get where you need to go. Life is a long game, and you’ll never know what your current experiences will mean over time.

Mistakes can offer a kind of insight and perspective that nothing else does. After all, you don’t learn quite as much from a right decision as you do from a wrong one.

Curb the idea that you have to be successful at everything you attempt. In the grand scheme of things, no one’s going to care about your failures, and neither should you.

Idea for Impact: Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are not your mistakes. Perhaps, when life rejects you from something good, it may be redirecting you to something better, whether or not you realize it at that time. Seek ways to move forward.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal
  2. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  3. The Power of Negative Thinking
  4. Learn to Manage Your Negative Emotions and Yourself
  5. This May Be the Most Potent Cure for Melancholy

6 Signs That A Student Is Struggling with A Mental Illness

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According to studies conducted by Statista and The American Institute of Stress, more than 60% of college students in the U.S. are experiencing stress-like symptoms, including depression and anxiety. Some students in this study reported feeling “overly overwhelmed” by the school workload, while others denied participation entirely due to high levels of anxiety.

Since this is becoming an increasing problem on college campuses, professors must pay careful attention to their students’ behavior. They should know how to react to certain situations and be prepared to help any struggling student.

For someone to be able to do that, they must first detect how struggling with mental health looks like. Here are six of the most important signs that you should be aware of, as a leader in education.

1. Frequently late or absent

If your student skips too many classes or doesn’t show up at all, chances are something’s going on. If they show up late too many times, same thing. Something might be happening at home. While you might think that the student is simply lazy or not interested, there could be other causes for his or her behavior. Don’t be quick to assume.

Many students find it easy to get out of bed in the morning because they’re feeling depressed or unable to move. Others might have trouble being surrounded by many people because of their social anxiety, so they’re late to avoid chit-chatting. There is an answer to everything once you dig deeper—and as a professor, that’s part of your job description.

2. Not doing their homework

Think about it this way. If you were a student, would you be doing homework on the worst day of your life? Or would you wait for something that gives meaning to your life to happen? If you’re honest with yourself, the answer is probably the latter. You wouldn’t be able to focus on homework while your whole world is falling apart. You’d be procrastinating and preoccupying your time with something that distracts you. Or you’d lay in bed and wait for a miracle.

Same goes for your students. None of them are perfect—and nor are you. They are humans in need of space. When they’re feeling on edge, they can’t work. And you should be open enough to understand this—and, of course, have a serious discussion with them about it.

6 Signs That A Student Is Struggling with A Mental Illness

3. Spending too much time alone

While it’s true that not all of us are extroverts, we still make friends, as introverts. We might not be as sociable as others, but we’re still in need of some sort of connection.

If your student is on the verge of depression, she won’t make any friends and spend a whole bunch of time alone. She won’t crave that human connection nor will she be interested in participating in various school activities. She’ll probably act indifferently to whatever happens and never finish her essay in due time.

If that’s the case, then you must try and have a conversation with her/his parents. When your kid’s avoiding any type of social interaction, chances are he or she is not feeling that great.

4. Getting poor grades and checking out an essay example

Not every student getting poor grades is depressed, of course. But if you’re having a conversation with the student about it—and they’re denying that they’re struggling—that should be your question mark. Why won’t they admit they’ve got a problem? Why can’t they see reality for what it is? Here’s when you should start asking more questions and maybe have a chat with the parents. If they’re never trying, something’s off.

If they feel stuck with writing to the point that it affects their mental-illnesses, they should try and check out another student’s essay example. They can always access https://gradesfixer.com/free-essay-examples/mental-illness/ to get inspired and stay on top of their work. Also, there are a lot of free essay examples on any topic here. It is really helpful for every student.

5. Body language and facial expressions

Your student’s face and body can tell a lot about their mood. If the student’s making little to no eye contact, that could be a problem. Also, if their body language is too closed off, they might be struggling. In that case, you could let their parents know; if that’s taking it too far, recommend them a school counselor. Let them open up to someone about their struggles. You have no idea how much this can help them!

6. Using substances

Many college students drink for fun, but if this becomes a regular thing, things are heading south. When your students are experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and other things way too often, you must draw the line. You must take responsibility and confront them on their struggles before it’s too late. If needed, bring their parents into the conversation. Help them see how big of a problem this could become.

Wrapping Up

These are just six of the most relevant signs that a student is fighting a mental illness such as depression or anxiety. Make sure you research as much as you can (and more!) to be prepared for whatever happens. Keep your head up and mind open. Keep your conversations casual. They’ll come around eventually.

Wondering what to read next?

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  2. 7 Helpful Tips for University Students
  3. 6 Tips for Students Beating Procrastination During Quarantine
  4. Top 10 Books Every Australian Student Should Read
  5. Five Signs of Excessive Confidence

Learn to Cope When You’re Stressed

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Learn to Cope When You're Stressed Stress is a normal part of life. On the whole, there’re two major forms of negative stress (“distress”): the stress concerned with loss (divorce, death of a loved one, failure) and the stress involved with threats to your sense of self, status, wellbeing, or security.

The actual physical symptoms—including faster heartbeat, elevated blood pressure, quickened breathing, upset stomach, muscle tension, chest pain, and increased perspiration—may be identical, regardless of the external stress factor. However, stress does manifest itself differently with everyone. If untreated, stress also brings on or worsens more than a few other symptoms or diseases.

Stress doesn’t just get better on its own. Here’re four things to do to gain control of your life’s stress before it can start controlling you.

  1. Proactively reduce stress-causing events. Reduce exposure to people, situations, and triggers that initiate unjustifiable stress. Create rituals that can help you cope. Learn to confront those situations in manageable amounts—schedule your day, simplify your schedule, get more organized, and learn to say no to added commitments. Cut back on your obligations.
  2. Improve your resiliency. Maintain good health and stamina. Eat a healthy diet, get adequate sleep, and exercise regularly. Take regular breaks and schedule vacations where you can totally disconnect. Sometimes, just being idle—even wasting time—can help you not only feel good but also recharge your mind and body.
  3. Manage your reaction to stressful events. Learn how to relax, such as deep-breathing techniques, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, and massage. Schedule time for calming exercises such as yoga, tai chi, and music or art therapy. Engage in a relaxing hobby or offer to volunteer in your community.
  4. Reach out. Stress feeds on feelings and fears that we keep to ourselves. Stress causes you to lose objectivity about your situation. Often just talking to a trusted friend or relative—even a counselor—could help you look at things from a distance and work out coping mechanisms.

Idea for Impact: Integrate daily stress prevention.

You may not control all your stressors, but you can control how you react to those stressors. If your current stress management efforts aren’t effective enough, try something new.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. The Power of Negative Thinking
  2. The More You Can Manage Your Emotions, the More Effective You’ll Be
  3. Learn to Manage Your Negative Emotions and Yourself
  4. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  5. A Quick Way to De-stress: The “Four Corners Breathing” Exercise

What’s Wrong With Giving Advice

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What's Wrong With Giving Advice

“It is a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it, normal to ignore it,” somebody once remarked.

What really happens when you offer advice is … you instinctively send a message to the other person that they don’t have the resources to solve the problem themselves.

Your advice is probably rooted in your expectations, not in the understanding of the other

The best way to give advice is to not give any advice at all but to listen attentively and emphatically.

People who relate their problems don’t really want your advice, even if they seek to sound you out about a problem.

They want you to listen to their problem, perhaps ask open-ended questions to help them think through the problem, and help them explore the options they have.

People Want You to Listen, Not to Talk

Clinical psychologist Lisa Damour notes that parents can’t help but offer direct solutions to their kids’ problems. In her insightful ‘Adolescence’column for the New York Times, Damour suggests,

Rushing in with suggestions carries the risk that it may strike our teenagers as a vote of no confidence when they are mainly seeking our reassurance that they can handle whatever life throws at them.

Instead of proposing solutions, we might bolster adolescents as they sort things out. Saying, “I’ve seen you get through things like this before” or “This is tough, but you are too” can effectively loan teenagers a bit of perspective and confidence when their own feels shaken.

Even teenagers who have already addressed a problem may still seek our reassurance. [A teenager] said she sometimes tells her parents “about a situation and what I did to solve it” in order to get validation that she made the right choice. When this happens, she says she’s “not really looking for their solution, just checking that they think I did the right thing with my limited problem-solving experience.”

Adolescents often feel vulnerable, perhaps especially so when they open up to adults about their jams and scrapes. In these moments, well-intentioned guidance can land like criticism, and lectures or “I-told-you-so”s—however warranted—may feel like outright attacks.

More often than not, offering our teenagers an ear, empathy, and encouragement gives them what they came for. If your teenager wants help solving the problem, divide the issue into categories: what can be changed and what cannot. For the first type, focus on the needs your teenager identifies and work together to brainstorm solutions. For the second type, help them come to terms with the things they cannot control.

Often People Want You to Listen—Sharing is an Act of Self-Reflection

People Want You to Listen, Not to Talk When people open the door of their confidence, tread delicately.

Open the ear of your heart. Don’t impose your perspective, but help them find a solution that works for them.

  • To empathize, say, “You are in a tough situation,” “gee, that stinks, it totally not fair to you,” “I understand why you feel this way,” “You have every right to be offended,” or “I’m so sorry you have to face this kind of difficulty right now.”
  • To help clarify, say, “I might be wrong, but it seems to me …,” “Are you concerned that …,” or “what if ….”
  • To expand perspective, say, “This may seem like a big deal at this time, but how will you feel about this in a week? A month? A year?” or “what do you think is the worst fallout of this?”

Idea for Impact: Often, the Best Advice You Can Give is Not Providing Any At All

If pressed to offer an opinion, tease out the options they’re considering. Ask, “What do you think you ought to do?” or “What would you like to happen?”

Don’t offer a solution that pleases you more than it does the other. The best solution to a problem somebody is facing is the one that works for the other person, not you.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Mentoring: The Best Advice You Can Offer
  2. “I Told You So”
  3. Five Signs of Excessive Confidence
  4. Problem Reversal: How to Solve a Problem By “Standing It on Its Head”
  5. Advice for the First-Time Manager: Whom Should You Invest Your Time With?

Sometimes You Should Stop Believing // The Case Against Hope

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Hoping for outcomes that are almost unfeasible is misleading—for example, hoping that you’ll win the lottery or that the victims of some deadly accident have somehow survived.

There is something about giving up hope and accepting the reality that is comforting

Sometimes You Should Stop Believing ... The Case Against Hope Research has suggested that letting go of hope can often set you free. For example, folks who hope for a miraculous therapy for a terminal disease are less happy than those who accept the hopelessness of the situation.

The life of the Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl is particularly illustrative of the difference between false and realistic hope. When confronted by the reality of the Auschwitz and Kaufering concentration camps, Frankl did not wish to dig his way out of his prison. Instead, he acknowledged the bleak reality of the concentration camps, and hoped vaguely for something feasible and sensible—that the war could end and he may be set free. Frankl, who later established logotherapy, famously helped his fellow prisoners bear the horror around them by urging them to contemplate the lives they may lead after the war.

False Hope is Delusional, Realistic Hope is Worthwhile

Yes, hope can be life-affirming. It can give you the impetus to keep on in the face of struggle and disappointment. Hope—underpinned by hard work—is what made many a great achievement possible, from inventing life-changing drugs to dismantling racial segregation.

But false hope is deadly. It can shackle you to an outcome you long for but cannot achieve.

False hopes lead to disappointment. If you hope to become an eminent actor or a great chess player, your expectations are bound to be dashed. It’s much better to hope that you’ll enjoy acting or playing basketball and acknowledge the inadequacies you can’t overcome.

Don’t rehash false hope as optimism. Characterize it for what it is: the sweet illusion of denial. Don’t be fooled by the unbridled optimism espoused by our hope-obsessed culture.

False hope locks you into a concept—of people, situation, job, culture—that has little bearing on the reality. False hope will bind you to the idea of what could be, instead of what is.

Idea for Impact: Sometimes you should stop believing. Giving up hope and embracing reality can set you free. False hope is futile.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Viktor Frankl on The Meaning of Suffering
  2. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  3. Anger is the Hardest of the Negative Emotions to Subdue
  4. This May Be the Most Potent Cure for Melancholy
  5. This Trick Can Relieve Your Anxiety: “What’s the worst that can happen?”

The Power of Negative Thinking

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Stoic philosophy recommends a practice called premeditatio malorum (“the premeditation of evils,”) i.e. intentionally visualizing the worst-case scenario in your mind’s eye.

The first point is to acknowledge that misfortunes and difficulties could, rather than certainly will, come about. The second is to envisage your most constructive response should the worst-case scenario transpire. For instance, if you’d lose your job due to coronavirus, what resources could you rely on, and how could you handle the consequences?

The direct benefit of premeditatio malorum is in taming your anxiety: when you soberly conjure up how bad things could go, you typically reckon that you could indeed cope. You’ll not dwell in the negative thoughts. Even the worst possible scenario couldn’t be so terrible after all.

Another surprising benefit of negative visualization is in raising your awareness that you could lose your relationships, possessions, routines, blessings, and everything else that you currently enjoy—but perhaps take for granted. This increases your gratitude for having them now.

Premeditatio Malorum in Stoicism - The Power of Negative Thinking

This Stoic exercise has an equivalent in Buddhist meditation-based mindfulness practices that encourage nonjudgmental awareness of unpleasant sensations (the vedanā.)

Your emotions, sensations, and events are in flux. They arise and pass. You’re merely to regard yourself as the observer of these thoughts and feelings, but you’re not to identify with them. You are not your thoughts … you are not your feelings. The Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield writes in The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology (2015,)

Thoughts and opinions arise but they think themselves and disappear, “like bubbles on the Ganges,” says the Buddha. When we do not cling to them, they lose their hold on us. In the light of awareness, the constructed self of our identification relaxes. And what is seen is just the process of life, not self nor other, but life unfolding as part of the whole.

Idea for Impact: Could you benefit from reflecting on how you think of potential negative events?

An awareness of the possible—and the self-determining attitude—can be quite liberating. Premeditatio malorum is a surprisingly useful technique, if only with a scary name.

“What then should each of us say as each hardship befalls us? It was for this that I was exercising, It was for this that I was training,” as Epictetus philosophized in Discourses (3.10.7–8.)

Wondering what to read next?

  1. This Trick Can Relieve Your Anxiety: “What’s the worst that can happen?”
  2. The More You Can Manage Your Emotions, the More Effective You’ll Be
  3. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  4. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal
  5. This May Be the Most Potent Cure for Melancholy

Is Your Harried Mind Causing You to Underachieve?

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American psychiatrist Edward Hallowell, author of Driven to Distraction (2011,) surveyed cognitive effects such as reduced attention instigated by the hyperkinetic environment that’s become an artifact of modern life.

Is your frenzied mind barraged of stimuli and sensations and causing underachievement? A never-ending barrage of stimuli and sensations have instigated distractibility, mayhem, inner frenzy, and impatience. Consequently, people can’t stay organized, establish priorities, and manage time effectively—causing them to underachieve.

Hallowell described how “Attention Deficit Trait (ADT)” makes smart people underperform in this Harvard Business Review article.

ADT is brought on by the demands on our time and attention that have exploded over the past two decades. As our minds fill with noise, the brain gradually loses its capacity to attend fully and thoroughly to anything.

The symptoms of ADT come upon a person gradually. The sufferer doesn’t experience a single crisis but rather a series of minor emergencies while he or she tries harder and harder to keep up. Shouldering a responsibility to “suck it up” and not complain as the workload increases, executives with ADT do whatever they can to handle a load they simply cannot manage as well as they’d like. The ADT sufferer therefore feels a constant low level of panic and guilt. Facing a tidal wave of tasks, the executive becomes increasingly hurried, curt, peremptory, and unfocused, while pretending that everything is fine.

At a time when the modern corporate culture over-rewards folks who can multitask, deal with ever more responsibilities, and respond now, Hallowell offers the following solutions:

  • Promote positive emotions. Create a work positive, fear-free emotional work environment in which the brain can function at its best.
  • Take physical care of your brain. Adequate sleep, a proper diet (increase complex carbohydrates and protein intake,) exercise, and meditation are vital for staving off ADT.
  • Get organized. Take note of the times of day when you tend to perform at your best; do your most important work then, and save the routine work for other times. Reserve a part of the day to think, plan, and do “deep work.”
  • Regulate your emotions. To thwart an imminent overreaction to stress (“amygdala hijack” per Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence (1995,)) distract yourself by stopping and doing something else. A self-soothing action calms you down until you can focus again.

Idea for Impact: Stress is a terrible ailment in today’s workforce. Learn to manage yourself actively instead of continually reacting to problems as they happen. Avoid overburdening yourself and squandering your willpower. Regulate your work environment, tweak your work habits, get organized, and manage your emotional and physical health.

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  2. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal
  3. How Mindfulness Can Make You Better at Your Job // Book Summary of David Gelles’s ‘Mindful Work’
  4. Understand What’s Stressing You Out
  5. A Quick Way to De-stress: The “Four Corners Breathing” Exercise