Suffering

Don’t Let the Self-Proclaimed Productivity Pundits Shame You

September 7, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Productivity advice often relies on shame and condescension, presented as tough love or oversimplified “do as I do” remedies. In a shame-based approach, disorder and confusion are viewed as personal failings, leaving individuals solely to blame.

Most people seek coaches to discard or change certain aspects of themselves. The coach’s role is to help individuals recognize and overcome their fear, self-judgment, and embarrassment.

However, shame is not an effective motivator. Effective coaches instead promote self-compassion and encourage individuals to learn about themselves. This allows them to release the constraints and burdens that have hindered their productivity and prevented them from feeling proud of their achievements.

Idea for Impact: Shame undermines emotional well-being and reinforces negative self-perceptions of being ineffective. Instead, appealing to understanding and self-compassion can lead to significant behavioral breakthroughs.

The Key to Living In Awareness, Per Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now’

September 4, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Eckhart Tolle’s bestselling The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment (1999) proposes neither a grand scheme for success nor ethereal concepts for “achieving transcendence.”

Hidden in the New Agey-spin (“The power and infinite creative potential that lie concealed in the now are completely obscured by psychological time”) is a nuanced assertion about silencing the mind’s chatter.

Tolle suggests that you shouldn’t try to be in the present so much as to realize that you always, inescapably, are. Nearly all stress and anxiety come from mental projections about the past or the future. This has been the cornerstone of Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist, and other traditions for over two millennia. Instead of suppressing thoughts of regret about the past or anxiety about the future in a strenuous, counterproductive endeavor to “be present,” you’re to see them for what they are.

By putting your mind into perspective and gently observing—without judgment—what it says and thinks, you’re merely a witness to the rolling tides of reflection and emotion. You are not your thoughts. The moments you spend spinning stories of hope and anxiety, delight and regret, are being centered in the present—you’re doing so now. Nothing ever happens except now, when you’re supposed to be filled with an awareness of being alive.

The present moment is problem free. Troubles need to exist in their own space and time. Consequently, by being in the present, you give less life to them. You’re free from regret and apprehensions when you act from a sense of deep being instead of restlessly seeking to become something.

Take things as they come and adjust quickly to what becomes. Disconnect from the thinking mind, accept what is, and be mindful of your presence.

To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness. This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad. It seems paradoxical, yet when your inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly.

Idea for Impact: Life is sacred; being alive is sacred. Relishing that you’re alive, experiencing the sacredness of aliveness, and just being—these are the most integral facets of Tolle’s vision of enlightenment, the “natural state of felt oneness with Being” and feeling “more together.”

The Surprising Power of Low Expectations: The Secret Weapon to Happiness?

August 17, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi 1 Comment

Stephen Hawking once said, “My expectations were reduced to zero when I was 21. Everything since then has been a bonus.”

Happiness depends not on how well things are going but on whether things are going better or worse than expected.

As the Buddhists propose, lowering your expectations—at least right-sizing them—raises your joy. But be careful not to lower them so much that you become apathetic and lack enthusiasm. Find a happy balance between satisfaction and aspiration.

Idea for Impact: You needn’t always do more, be more, aspire for bigger and better, rush, hustle, and accelerate, as the world will tell you. If all you really want is a simple, pleasant, gentle life, why can’t that be enough?

Is Buddhism Pessimistic?

July 22, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Many people think Buddhism is all about suffering, making it seem a real downer. While it’s true that the Buddha acknowledged that life is characterized by suffering, he meant more than just physical pain. He taught us that our mental suffering comes from being attached to our desires and expectations. Ignorance, or a lack of understanding of reality, also plays a part.

The Buddha also warned us that our pleasure-seeking tendencies can lead to disappointment when we realize life’s fleeting nature: “Knowing this truth gives our lives wholeness and peace, as it frees us from the exhausting postures of pretense and denial.” The ultimate aim of following the Buddhist path is not to evade life’s challenges but to confront them with serenity and enhance our inner capabilities. This teaching isn’t a pessimistic approach but a hopeful one, which teaches that we can take control of our lives and find wisdom, compassion, and happiness even in tough times.

How Thought-Stopping Can Help You Overcome Negative Thinking and Get Unstuck

June 1, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

To avoid getting trapped in negative thoughts such as “No one will hire me,” “I’m so angry,” or “I’m an imposter,” thought stopping can be a lifesaver. This technique is particularly effective in preventing your mind from fixating on distressing situations. The more frustrated and irate you get, the more likely you are to avoid thinking about it. But then you end up blaming yourself for remaining stuck.

When you catch yourself indulging in unproductive thoughts, immediately shout “STOP!” and shift your focus to a productive task. You can take a small step toward your goal by reading an article, watching a video, or reaching out to a trusted friend for suggestions on how to enhance your situation.

It’s also vital to assess if the negative thought is justified or if there’s anything you can do to improve the situation.

While it’s true that thought-stopping alone may not be adequate to address all causes of being stuck, it can still be a potent tool to help you identify negative thoughts that play repeatedly in your mind. Once you become aware of these thoughts, you can break free from the cycle of negativity and move forward positively by taking small steps to get unstuck.

Things Will Look Up Soon

March 21, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

There’ll be days when you’ll feel down in the dumps. You’ll have those days when the band, singer, or ensemble you enjoy won’t suddenly make your anxiety disappear. When the show you’ve been watching won’t fascinate you as much as it did the previous day. When you’ll not feel like being with a loved one.

Feeling helpless is something that all people suffer from time to time. You may become dispassionate or disengaged from the things and people that ground you. The hobbies you care for don’t cheer you up.

Sometimes, it’s just a day that only you can get through, even if you feel nobody understands what you’re going through. Nobody’s going to do your life for you. Hang in there—you’ll soon find ways to deal with it and emerge from what can feel like a hole or a dark tunnel with no end.

Public Speaking is Traumatizing Vulnerable Students

November 7, 2022 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

For decades, universities have forced presentations and class participation to be integral to students’ grades. Sure, employers are interested not only in graduates’ subject knowledge but also in their ability to communicate, work in teams, problem-solve, build consensus, and so on.

However, public speaking anxiety is too common in college students, particularly those suffering from chronic social anxiety. Some even dread the sheer prospect of raising their hands in class for fear of being judged.

Sadly, our academic institutions aren’t doing enough to support such students. College is, after all, a place to practice in a supportive environment—it’s better for students to confront their fears in a relatively low-stakes classroom setting than in the real world. One lecturer I know of accommodated a nervous student by dismissing everyone else and making her present only to the professor.

Colleges must emphasize that anxiety and fear of public speaking are entirely normal—Mark Twain famously noted, “There are two types of speakers: those that are nervous and those that are liars.” Colleges should assess individual students’ natural ability and teach public speaking as part of university learning, starting with systematic desensitization and conditioning confidence until the students feel they can tackle entire presentations.

Don’t Be Afraid to Let the Darkness In

October 27, 2022 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to be angry or sad.

Fear, anxiety, sadness, and other negative emotions are but a natural response to what’s happening in your life, and you shouldn’t have to deny them. No one goes through life never feeling a negative emotion.

If you have a vicious internal voice—an ‘inner saboteur’—that also scorns you for having a rough time, just tell yourself it’s okay to not be okay. Your emotions aren’t the enemy. Sometimes things are hard because they’re just hard and not because you’re lacking something or you’re not doing enough.

You don’t need to buy into platitudes such as “Look on the sunnier side!” and “Everything happens for a reason!” Being positive isn’t the only correct way to live. In fact, toxic positivity can make you feel disconnected and, eventually, worse.

As long as you deal with them healthily, negative sentiments are okay—no need to avoid unpleasant realities. Stop buying into them, being attached to them, and inviting them back. Leaning into—not suppressing—pain, regret, sadness, and fear can bring significant benefits. The road to the good life is paved with the full range of the human experience—tears and furrowed brows, smiles and amusement, and all.

Idea for Impact: Don’t be afraid to let the darkness in. No need to attach so much meaning to what arises. No need to identify with your emotions. Allow yourself to experience the emotions. In time, they’ll move on through.

Seek little moments of compassion, inspiration, calmness, or altruism. These have the power to inspire and give hope.

How to… Reframe Negative Thoughts

October 13, 2022 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Modest self-doubt is normal when you’re analyzing your past or thinking about the future. But it’s easy to give in to negative chatter in your head and get lost in a mental house of mirrors. There’s no cognitive off switch for brooding, but a little internal coaching can help quiet this voice.

Start by recognizing negative thoughts and ask yourself—is this useful? Or is it not useful? Recognize that negative talk is unhelpful. Bring your focus back to self-compassion—let go of the judgments you hold about yourself, your body, and your moods.

Whenever your mind squawks, hone in and try to identify the exact emotion you’re experiencing. Ask yourself, “What’s at the core of what’s going on here?” Instead of using a broad label like “worry” or “stress,” drill down deeper into those feelings. Are you feeling vulnerable, or are you anxious about an outcome?

Reassess those pesky thoughts that play on a loop in your mind. Catch yourself embracing insistent expressions such as “always,” “never,” and “forever.” The more you attend to such notions about yourself, the more you believe in them, regardless of whether they’re true. Before you go into a negative spin, ask yourself if you really are failing at everything and if you’re always too busy to find time for your loved ones.

Idea for Impact: Rewrite Your Negative Self-Talk Script

If dwelling on critical moments is dragging you down, it’s time to take action. Rather than fault yourself for the swirl of thoughts, tell yourself you’re troubleshooting, planning, and preparing. Get on with the things you want to do. The momentum of positive emotions builds up as soon as you take action. If dwelling on critical moments is dragging you down, it’s time to take action

[Re-scripting your self-talk (“I can rehearse this presentation and ask a friend for feedback”) can help you prepare for any challenges and stop worrying about them incessantly.

Thought Suppression is Counterproductive

October 3, 2022 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

You can’t make a bad thought go away by trying not to think about it.

Pushing away a thought works, but for a little while. Short-term relief is often worse than no relief, sometimes exacerbating the very emotions you’re hoping to veer off.

Most crutches of choice (drugs, alcohol, tobacco, barbiturates, shopping, or high-carbohydrate foods) offer transitory comfort. The immediate pleasure often gives way to long-term despair, which causes repeated use of the same agent. The consequence is addiction. The same is valid for thought suppression.

Studies have revealed that the more you suppress a thought, the stronger its recoil. For instance, smokers suppressing the thought of cigarettes report that the appeal of smoking comes rushing back with even greater power when they let their guard down. Holding back your thoughts will actually make you think about them more once the period of active suppression is over. In other words, suppressing a thought increases your attachment to it.

Persistence creates resistance; the more you try to push thoughts out, the bigger they get. Further, the fleeting relief of thought suppression pushes you away from more effective and lasting approaches, such as gratitude, acceptance, and forgiveness.

Idea for Impact: Suppress Your Thoughts about Suppression

In a world obsessed with positive thinking, many of us have been conditioned to be so averse to “negative emotions” that we don’t recognize them, much less acknowledge them, or give ourselves permission to feel and process them. Thought suppression causes more stress and anxiety than if you confront what you’re trying to forget.

Replace unwanted thoughts with thoughts that focus on your goals (e.g., “It feels better to eat a delicious fruit than it does to wolf down a s’more topped with melted chocolate.”)
Create an if-then to help you not block unwanted thoughts out but instead plan what you really need to do to act on temptations. Your plans can disrupt the connection between the thought and giving in to temptation. Over time, the thoughts will fade on their own.

Suffering

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Idea for Impact: Rewrite Your Negative Self-Talk Script

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Idea for Impact: Suppress Your Thoughts about Suppression

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