Right Attitudes

Ideas for Impact

Social Skills

What Makes a Great Relationship

by Leave a Comment

'The Hard Thing About Hard Things' by Ben Horowitz (ISBN 0062273205) Venture capitalist Ben Horowitz’s The Hard Thing About Hard Things (2014) is one of the best business books I’ve read in a long time. Here’s what he says about how he and Marc Andreessen have worked effectively in partnership across three companies over two decades:

Most business relationships either become too tense to tolerate or not tense enough to be productive after a while. Either people challenge each other to the point where they don’t like each other or they become complacent about each other’s feedback and no longer benefit from the relationship. With Marc and me, even after eighteen years, he upsets me almost every day by finding something wrong in my thinking, and I do the same for him. It works.

Close relationships—at work or home—are tough. Nothing in life prepares you for them. But the intellectual and emotional rewards of close relationships are stimuli enough for navigating these choppy waters.

Disagreement is inevitable, but it is at the heart of creative thinking and problem-solving. An unassuming disagreement—even a misunderstanding—can cause tensions to rise. Differences of opinion can turn into disputes and arguments can cascade into fights, putting a relationship at risk.

The healthiest relationships are built on a strong foundation of mutual respect. A reciprocally beneficial connection entails accepting the others, knowing their goals, supporting them to become the best version of themselves, and wanting to work through difficulties and disagreements.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Four Keys to an Excellent Relationship with Your Boss
  2. Why a Friend Can’t Keep a Secret
  3. The Foundation of Great Relationships: Get to Know People
  4. Being Underestimated Can Be a Great Thing
  5. Don’t Be Interesting—Be Interested!

Etiquette: How to Tell Someone Their Fly is Down?

by Leave a Comment

Etiquette: How to Tell Someone Their Fly is Down? What do you do if you notice that your boss’s fly is down? Or a manager’s undergarment is showing?

Should you tell them?

Definitely. Because they’ll want to know.

Most people would rather be a little embarrassed now in the presence of someone familiar than later in the company of clients or someone important.

Keep it simple and say, “Jeff, your fly is down.” Or “Hey Rita, your slip is showing.”

Tell them quietly and discreetly. Don’t be vague.

If you’re uneasy with speaking about this to the opposite sex, request a person of that sex to deliver the message.

You may feel briefly awkward and uncomfortable, but the consequences of not informing them could be high—especially if it becomes apparent that you were aware of the problem and said nothing.

The other person will be appreciative. You’ll gain some respect not only for limiting their exposure but also for being candid and considerate.

If they get angry, declare, “I was just trying to be helpful.”

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Office Chitchat Isn’t Necessarily a Time Waster
  2. Etiquette: Protocol of Introducing People
  3. Is Showing up Late to a Meeting a Sign of Power?
  4. Don’t Be Interesting—Be Interested!
  5. Five Signs of Excessive Confidence

Who Told You That Everybody Was Going to Like You?

by Leave a Comment

From investor Joshua Kennon‘s perspectives on being disliked,

Years ago, a family member had to deal with a work colleague who utterly despised her to the point this colleague couldn’t conceal their disdain.

Exasperated, my family member called the prayer line of a televangelist and pleaded, “Please pray with me to have God to change this coworker’s heart so they like me. I’m friends with everybody. There’s no reason they hate me so much.”

The lady on the other end of the phone was quiet for a moment. When she finally spoke, she asked, “Who told you that everybody was going to like you? You weren’t promised that. In this world, there are going to be people who hate you for one reason or another, perhaps even without justification. As long as you’ve examined yourself and are sure it’s not something you’re doing wrong, if you’ll let me, I’d instead like to pray with you that God helps you find peace with the situation so it doesn’t steal your joy and you can move on to more edifying things.”

Who Told You That Everybody Was Going to Like You? If others’ disapproval tends to nurture your self-dissatisfactions, question it. If you’ve made a mistake, try to right the wrong. Learn from it, pardon yourself, and move ahead.

If your quest for others’ approval is rooted in insecurity, remind yourself that your contentment in life cannot spring from other people’s perceptions of you; it has to come from an inner scorecard. Warren Buffett famously said, “The big question about how people behave is whether they’ve got an Inner Scorecard or an Outer Scorecard. It helps if you can be satisfied with an Inner Scorecard.”

Striving to live your life to satisfy others always is an impossible aspiration. You’ll wind up losing your sense of individuality in the quest to conform to others’ expectations. “It is our very search for perfection outside ourselves that causes our suffering,” warned the Buddha.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Could Limiting Social Media Reduce Your Anxiety About Work?
  2. Anger Is Often Pointless
  3. Learn to Manage Your Negative Emotions and Yourself
  4. Stop Trying to Prove Yourself to the World
  5. Summary of Richard Carlson’s “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff”

Benefits, Not Boasts

by Leave a Comment

Just about every interaction is about selling something, whether you realize it or not.

When you try to be persuasive in a pitch or a presentation, you may come to pass as being overconfident at best, or boastful at worst.

Benefits, Not Boasts---Selling Without Boasting Here’s a method that can help you transform your boasts into benefits in support of a prospective customer.

“I have 15 years of experience in this field,” may sound boastful. Instead, say, “I bring to you 15 years of experience in this field, promising you that, should any problems surface, they will be handled promptly and proficiently.” This tolerable way to promote yourself also won’t make you seem forceful.

More to the point,

  • Avoid self-superiority declarations such as “I am better than others.” Instead, couch your claims as endorsements from others: “My past clients have told me that … .” According to a study by organizational theorist Jeffrey Pfeffer, you’ll be regarded more likable and competent if you can get somebody else (even a paid agent) to sing your praises for you.
  • Steer clear of humblebragging, i.e. masking a boast as a self-deprecating statement as in “I’m a perfectionist at times; it is so hard!” Humblebraggers appear less sincere than blatant braggarts do.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Why They Don’t Understand You and What to Do About It
  2. Good Questions Encourage Creative Thinking
  3. Become a Smart, Restrained Communicator Like Benjamin Franklin
  4. Facts Alone Can’t Sell: Lessons from the Intel Pentium Integer Bug Disaster
  5. Use Active Voice for Persuasive Communication

Use this Technique to Praise At Least Three People Every Day

by Leave a Comment

Scott Adams, the American cartoonist who created Dilbert, writes in How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big (2013),

Children are accustomed to a continual stream of criticisms and praise, but adults can go weeks without a compliment while enduring criticism both at work and at home. Adults are starved for a kind word. When you understand the power of honest praise (as opposed to bullshitting, flattery, and sucking up), you realize that withholding it borders on immoral. If you see something that impresses you, a decent respect to humanity insists you voice your praise.

Lavish Praise on People and They’ll Flourish

In his masterful self-help manual, How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936), Dale Carnegie quotes the American steel magnate Charles M Schwab who was renowned for his people skills,

I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people, the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. …

I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise. …

I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.

Carnegie suggests, “Be lavish with praise, but only in a genuine way … remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.”

How to Praise No Less Than Three People Every Day

Use this Three-Coin Technique to Praise Others Everyday Here’s a simple, effective technique to unleash the power of praise and honest appreciation:

  • Start each day with three coins in your left pocket.
  • Transfer one coin to your right pocket each time you praise someone or remark about something favorably. See my previous article on how to recognize people in six easy steps.
  • Make sure that you have all the three coins in your right pocket by the end of the day, but don’t give compliments willy-nilly.

Avoid flattery and pretentiousness, especially when someone thinks that they truly don’t deserve the praise. As well, don’t undercut praise with criticism (as in a sandwich feedback.)

Idea for Impact: If you can’t be bothered with opportunities to elevate others’ day with a few simple words of appreciation, perhaps you’re just too insecure or emotional stingy. Even if praise is directed on others, it emphasizes your own good character—it shows you’re can go beyond self-absorption in the self-consumed society that we live in.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Never Criticize Little, Trivial Faults
  2. You don’t praise people? What are your excuses?
  3. How to Increase Your Likeability: The 10/5 Rule
  4. On the Use of ‘But’ in Interpersonal Feedback
  5. How to Accept Compliments Gracefully

How to Make Others Feel They Owe You One: Reciprocity and Social Influence

by Leave a Comment

How to Make Others Feel They Owe You One: Reciprocity and Social Influence Reciprocity, as described below, is a manipulative technique. My aim for this article is twofold: firstly, it sensitizes you to one of the many things people can do to get you to do their bidding. Secondly, reciprocity is a handy technique for those circumstances where certain ends can justify certain means.

Reciprocity is treating other people as they treat you, or for the purpose of this article, as you wish to be treated—specifically with the expectation that they will reciprocate your favor in the future.

In other words, reciprocity is a sneaky trick that permits deliberate interpersonal influence. Do something for other people and they will be willing to do something for you, partly because they’ll be uncomfortable feeling indebted to you.

The concept of reciprocity is ingrained in human nature. As part of our upbringing, we are taught to give something back to people who give us something. Reciprocity and cooperation are the underpinnings of a civilized society—they allow us to help people who need it and to hope that they will help us when we need it. Research suggests that the desire to repay goodwill is hard-wired in the human brain.

Jack Schafer’s The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over (2015) offers a clever technique to put reciprocity into action:

The next time someone thanks you for something, don’t say, “You’re welcome.” Instead, say, “I know you’d do the same thing for me.” This response invokes reciprocity. The other person is now predisposed to help you when you ask them for a favor.

The effects of goodwill are short-lived. A long-forgotten reputation for helpfulness gets you nothing. You have to renew your reputation by helping others regularly.

To learn more about reciprocity, read social psychologist Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (1984.) He identified reciprocity as one of six principles that can help get others’ compliance to your requests.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Persuade Others to See Things Your Way: Use Aristotle’s Ethos, Logos, Pathos, and Timing
  2. Don’t Be Interesting—Be Interested!
  3. This Manager’s Change Initiatives Lacked Ethos, Pathos, Logos: Case Study on Aristotle’s Persuasion Framework
  4. Don’t Say “Yes” When You Really Want to Say “No”
  5. Our Vision of What Our Parents Achieved Influences Our Life Goals: The Psychic Contract

Here’s How to Improve Your Conversational Skills

by Leave a Comment

How to Start a Good Conversation

A year and a half ago, I wrote a popular article titled, “Stop asking, ‘What do you do for a living?'” The crux of my argument was,

Chatting with somebody in socializing situations should be less about discerning the details of the other’s life to size up the other’s socioeconomic status, and more about building a bit of familiarity to initiate stimulating conversations about topics of mutual interest.

A recent Harvard Business Review blog article on networking argues that the ‘what do you do?’ question may not be the best way to build rapport with someone else.

Research findings from the world of network science and psychology suggests that we tend to prefer and seek out relationships where there is more than one context for connecting with the other person. Sociologists refer to these as multiplex ties, connections where there is an overlap of roles or affiliations from a different social context. … We may prefer relationships with multiplex ties because research suggests that relationships built on multiplex ties tend to be richer, more trusting, and longer lasting.

The article gives examples of open-ended questions that could elicit non-work-related answers.

  • What excites you right now?
  • What are you looking forward to?
  • What’s the best thing that happened to you this year?
  • Where did you grow up?
  • What do you do for fun?
  • Who is your favorite superhero?
  • Is there a charitable cause you support?
  • What’s the most important thing I should know about you?

These inquiries could be helpful once you have a conversation going—they don’t make good initial questions. I’ve found it helpful to start with simple questions (“how do you know the hosts” or “is this your first time in this city”) and wait for personal details to flow into the conversation naturally.

Another practice I’ve found helpful is to ask to be introduced. Request your host to mention common interests when you are introduced to a new person in the gathering.

Susan RoAne’s How to Work a Room and Do I Say Next? provide great guidelines on how to make your business and personal conversations more effective.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Personal Spaces for Social Interaction
  2. Five Signs of Excessive Confidence
  3. Don’t Be Interesting—Be Interested!
  4. Stop asking, “What do you do for a living?”
  5. Office Chitchat Isn’t Necessarily a Time Waster

Luck is So Much More Important Than We Acknowledge

by 1 Comment

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to appreciate how much of life is the product of chance—that invisible hand of life: when and where you were born, the age you live in, people you meet, the problems and opportunities you face, how you meet your spouse, and so forth.

Luck is So Much More Important Than We Acknowledge Much of these are largely outside of your control.

In this context, it’s interesting to think about how some people are born with a pair of aces, never realize it, and squander opportunities handed down to them. As the great philosophers (and Singapore’s Founding Father Lee Kuan Yew) have advised, life is what you make of the cards you’re dealt with—using some talent, courage, and wisdom.

But often, stuff just happens. Some things are simply beyond your control—you can only do your best by focusing on your effort and lowering your expectations of the outcomes of much of what you’ll do in life.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. General Communication Skills #1: Begin at the End
  2. Be Proactive and Seek Feedback from Your Manager
  3. Looking for Important Skills to Develop?
  4. When Delegating, Acknowledge Possible Errors
  5. Learn from the Top Performers in Every Field [Skills for Success]

Surround Yourself with Smarter People

by Leave a Comment

The American economist and Nobel Laureate Robert Shiller (b.1946) once said, “Your own thoughts are not really your own thoughts. Everything you think is a product of the people you meet and the experiences you’ve had.”

Associate with men and women who are smarter than you are—they should not only possess both superior intellectual and emotional intelligence, but also share your drive to succeed.

Remember, the most effective teams are those that have people with complementary skills, and similar work ethic.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Choose Your Role Models Carefully
  2. Don’t Lead a Dysfunctional Team
  3. The Cost of Leadership Incivility
  4. Don’t Blatantly Imitate a Hero: Be Yourself
  5. The Curse of Teamwork: Groupthink

Realize the Truth Yourself

by Leave a Comment

So much of what you’ll hear and what you’re taught may turn out to be incorrect on closer scrutiny.

Whether it’s advice from the experts, what you hear in the media, or what your mother told you, if it is of any consequence, take the time to work out for yourself whether it is factual.

Swami Vivekananda on Realizing the Truth Yourself The great Hindu spiritual leader Swami Vivekananda (1863–1902) once instructed, “Do not believe in a thing because you have read about it in a book. Do not believe in a thing because another man has said it was true. Do not believe in words because they are hallowed by tradition. Find out the truth for yourself. Reason it out. That is realization.”

Idea for Impact: It’s not sensible to believe any assertion unless you have good reason for doing so. If you care whether your beliefs about the world are reliable, you must establish them on the sound, relevant evidence. Until you can organize that evidence and determine whether a belief is true or isn’t, you must suspend your judgment. The celebrated British mathematician, logician, and political activist Bertrand Russell (1872–1970) wrote in Why Men Fight: A Method of Abolishing the International Duel (1917,)

Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth—more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible; thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habits; thought is anarchic and lawless, indifferent to authority, careless of the well-tried wisdom of the ages. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Nothing Deserves Certainty
  2. Death Should Not Be Feared
  3. The Truth Can Be Bitterer than a Sweet Illusion
  4. Problem Reversal: How to Solve a Problem By “Standing It on Its Head”
  5. Bertrand Russell’s Ten Commandments of Honest Thought and Discourse
Here’s a prayer to help you deal with annoying people. Learn from the Stoics!