Right Attitudes

Ideas for Impact

Social Life

“But, Excuse Me, I’m Type A”: The Ultimate Humblebrag?

By Leave a Comment

Intense people are off-putting: Can you survive your personality? Our increasingly egotistical culture sanctions competitiveness, achievement-orientation, impatience, assertiveness, and work-fixation. Fine. But do we need to recast selfishness, greed, aggressiveness, and egotism as virtues?

Consider the assertion “I’m type A” you’ll often hear from people who’re harried and quick to anger. That expression has become the ultimate humblebrag—an announcement for the narcissistic self, indeed. It’s often a lead up to some form of a self-absorbed burden to be imposed on others.

Intense people are off-putting, particularly to laid-back types

The designation “Type A” was presented as a negative characterization in the 1970s by cardiologists—not psychologists—about people prone to so-called “hurry sickness.” These people tend to get angry and, consequently, have a higher risk of cardiovascular disease.

Now then, “I’m type A” has become the special consent some people expect to be granted to be a bit infuriating. It’s a polite declaration of the self-conscious entitlement, “I have somewhat better standards. Sorry to be so persistent.” “Sorry to squeeze you dry on this project, but I’m driven to deliver my best.”

Idea for Impact: If you’re a Type A, by all means, be an overachiever, strong-minded, demanding, whatever. But be all these without being obnoxious or instinctively imposing uncalled-for pressure on everything and everybody and every time. Lighten up.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. “I Told You So”
  2. Don’t Be Interesting—Be Interested!
  3. Here’s How to Improve Your Conversational Skills
  4. Stop Trying to Prove Yourself to the World
  5. How to Accept Compliments Gracefully

Don’t Cheat. Just Eat.

By Leave a Comment

Calorie-Rich Festive Treats: Don't Cheat, Just Eat If you’re someone who likes to “cheat” over the holidays and indulge in calorie-rich festive treats, why think of food as yet another serving of shame?

Being out of shape isn’t a failure of character.

Guilt around food is not just pointless—it actually can be harmful. Distress can sabotage digestion. Research suggests that anxiety kicks your autonomic nervous system into high gear. The capacities of your digestive organs are subdued, and instead of metabolizing and assimilating your food, it’s processed less effectively. In other words, guilt—or any sort of negative self-judgment—can initiate stress signals and neurotransmitters. These hinder a healthy digestive response.

Eat whatever it is you want mindfully and let it make you happy. Indulging is part of what sets a holiday apart. As the Roman dramatist Terence counseled, “Everything in moderation” (to which the Irish playwright Oscar Wilde added, “… including moderation.”)

Also, stop “food policing” others.

Idea for Impact: Give Your Guilt a Holiday

Eat, drink, and be merry this holiday season. Yes, slackening up on your diet plan doesn’t feel great, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, either. However, labeling it “cheating” probably is. Your language matters!

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Holiday Party Etiquette During the COVID-19 Pandemic
  2. Six Powerful Reasons to Eat Slowly and Mindfully
  3. Learning How to Eat Better // Book Summary of Bee Wilson’s ‘First Bite’
  4. How to Reduce Thanksgiving Stress
  5. 8 Effective Ways to De-Stress This Holiday Season

Holiday Party Etiquette During the COVID-19 Pandemic

By 1 Comment

Holiday Party Etiquette During the COVID-19 Pandemic It’s understandable if you’re wary about visiting other people’s homes and mingling during this holiday season.

You can’t be too sure about hygiene in any space other than yours. And it’s natural to feel concerned about coming in contact with other attendees.

If you’re invited to a holiday gathering, be honest with your host about why you’re sending regrets: “I really appreciate your invite, but we aren’t socializing now. Hope you understand.” Don’t over-explain yourself.

If you must host a Thanksgiving, Christmas, or holiday party despite the risks, allow plenty of room between guests. Keep hand sanitizer around so guests can use it during the meal. Offer food that they can serve themselves. Do all the traditional cheers from a distance. Clean and wipe everything down before everyone arrives and again after they leave.

Idea for Impact: This holiday season, don’t get complacent, especially if restrictions ease. You don’t have to do any of this socializing if you don’t want to.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. What to Do When an Invitation Says “No Gifts”
  2. Thou Shall Attend the Office Holiday Party
  3. Party Etiquette for the Vegetarian Guest
  4. Party Etiquette: Can you take your leftovers home?
  5. Etiquette: How to Tell Someone Their Fly is Down?

Dining Out: The Rule of Six

By Leave a Comment

Dining Out: Rule of Six Meal manners entail pacing yourself with others—starting and finishing each course of the meal. I’ve previously written,

At the table, wait until everyone is served. Begin to eat only after the host or the most important guest does. Follow this guideline for each course of the meal. Pace yourself such that you finish at about the same time as everybody else at your table.

A subtlety: if you’re dining out in a smaller group, wait for everyone to be served before you begin. If you’re joining a larger party (say, ten or more,) the “rule of six” prescribes that you can start eating as soon as six people have been served.

At buffet meals, collect your food and wait until three others join you at the table before beginning to eat.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Meal Manners: Pace Yourself, Start and Finish with Others
  2. Remembering Names at a Meeting
  3. How to Reduce Thanksgiving Stress
  4. Stop asking, “What do you do for a living?”
  5. How to Increase Your Likeability: The 10/5 Rule

“I Told You So”

By Leave a Comment

I Told You So Meme Something goes wrong, and your frustration is so intense that you just can’t resist blurting out, “Told ya, I saw that coming” or even “Why didn’t you listen to me?”

The phrase “I told you so” one of the least justifiable in the language. It rarely generates a positive response, and it’s unfailingly damaging to marriages, friendships, and parents’ relationships with children.

Events and premonitions thereof make perfect sense with hindsight. Your loved one already knows that you were right, and she was wrong. Going through failure is hard enough. She doesn’t need you to pour salt on her wound.

At some point, when the dust has settled, you may say carefully, “Sweetie, this stinks. That surely did not go as intended. Perhaps we shouldn’t do that again.”

It’s never okay to do the “I told you so” spiel even if you have her best interests at heart. Keep your disappointment—or delight—to yourself.

'I Told You So' - One of the least justifiable in the language

Being right about something feels so darn good, doesn’t it? But hold your tongue on gloating. Give up that attachment to the need to be correct. Let your loved one be human—let her heal, learn, grow, and evolve.

Avoiding negativity in the supportive relationship sometimes means biting your tongue and allowing the pieces to fall where they may.

Give your loved one the positive support she needs and help her cope. If you are kind, she may be more willing to listen in the future.

Idea for Impact: In relationships, a little tact and a lot of silence go a long way.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Who Told You That Everybody Was Going to Like You?
  2. What’s Wrong With Giving Advice
  3. Let’s Not Talk About Trump
  4. Here’s How to Improve Your Conversational Skills
  5. Office Chitchat Isn’t Necessarily a Time Waster

What to Do When an Invitation Says “No Gifts”

By Leave a Comment

It’s not uncommon to go a party to which the invitation states “no gifts, please” and realize that you’re the only one who didn’t bring a gift.

People sometimes ignore the no-gifts request if they doubt the seriousness of the host’s request.

What to Do When an Invitation Says 'No Gifts' Guests also tend to disregard the appeal if they’ve been to parties where they’ve been embarrassed by being the only ones who’ve shown up empty-handed.

But if your host has expressly requested no gifts, just comply. Forget gifts.

When a host asks for no gifts, assume that she really does mean so. She must have her reasons. Bringing a gift after being asked not to seems rather discourteous.

Plus, you won’t discomfit other guests who’ll probably—hopefully—arrive with nothing.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Thou Shall Attend the Office Holiday Party
  2. Meal Manners: Pace Yourself, Start and Finish with Others
  3. Etiquette: How to Tell Someone Their Fly is Down?
  4. How to Reduce Thanksgiving Stress
  5. Party Etiquette for the Vegetarian Guest

Undertake Not What You Cannot Perform

By Leave a Comment

Each time you break a promise or commitment, even to yourself, you chip away at your claim—and your intention—to be a responsible, reliable, self-aware person.

Undertake Not What You Cannot Perform Making promises and keeping them is how you build integrity, how you foster relationships of trust, and, more importantly, how you learn to trust yourself.

Every time you break a promise, your word has less value.

Giving your word is a serious undertaking, even on trivial matters. Never ever make a promise that you think there is even the slightest chance that you may break.

Idea for Impact: Don’t make a promise if a situation warrants a more open-ended response.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Here’s How to Improve Your Conversational Skills
  2. How to Make Others Feel They Owe You One: Reciprocity and Social Influence
  3. Let’s Not Talk About Trump
  4. Why Your Employees Don’t Trust You—and What to Do About it
  5. Office Chitchat Isn’t Necessarily a Time Waster

Good Boss in a Bad Company or Bad Boss in a Good Company?

By Leave a Comment

Who would you work for: a good boss in a mediocre company or a bad boss in a good company?

Without a doubt, your boss matters more than you realize. Having a good boss is one of work-life’s greatest experiences. A good boss can make work fun and meaningful and enriching.

Alas, the system of finding jobs is designed to let bosses pick employees, not the other way. You can’t expect to work at all times under a good boss.

Neither will you always have a chance to choose your boss (or your subordinates for that matter.) You’ll need to learn to get along with all sorts of people.

The Surprising Benefits of a Bad Boss

There’re quite a few reasons you’ll be better off for having endured a boss who’s insensitive, moody, manipulative, bad-tempered, or just plain incompetent.

  • The Surprising Benefits of a Bad Boss If the boss is very good at doing something that you aspire to become good at, it worth your while to learn from a master in action. Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour, portrayed brilliantly by actress Meryl Streep in the movie The Devil Wears Prada (2006,) may be a terrible pain to work for, but she knows more about the fashion business than just about anybody else. Working as her assistant is a priceless experience, not to mention the exposure to some of the most influential people in the world of fashion.
  • If you have your antennae up, you can learn a lot about good management by working under a bad manager.
  • A stint at a company with an excellent reputation will give you a precious career credential down the road.

A Bad Boss Doesn’t Last Forever

All bosses—good and bad—will leave in due course. They’ll move up, out, or sideways. Organizational changes are widespread in good companies, and personnel departments tend to identify bad bosses and move them around.

Most companies make it easy to move between teams and groups. You can network your way into a fresh opportunity—perhaps with a better boss—within the company.

Think in terms of short-term pains and long-term gains. For the time being, working for a bad boss can a nightmare even in a good company. But in the long-term, until you or your boss can move on, you’ll have to make the best of the learning and networking opportunities.

You Can’t Always Pick Your Own Boss

Be mindful of the organization’s perception of you—do not allow your rocky relationship with your boss to typecast you as a “can’t-get-along.”

One of the best things about working in good companies is networking and becoming known to the people who matter. You can seek doors to new worlds, look for mentors who can guide your career’s progress, and scout job opportunities in other departments. Managers tend to fill up many internal job openings with candidates they have in mind already.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Dissatisfied at Work? Are You Really a Square Peg in a Round Hole?
  2. Before Jumping Ship, Consider This
  3. No Boss Likes a Surprise—Good or Bad
  4. Could Limiting Social Media Reduce Your Anxiety About Work?
  5. Going Over Your Boss’s Head After She Rejects Your Idea?

How to Improve Your Relationship

By Leave a Comment

We all want to have a healthy relationship. Sometimes we come across a scenario and are unsure if this is a “make it or break it” issue, or maybe there are other issues that need to be cleared up or improved. Whether married or in a new relationship there are some simple steps you can take to improve your relationship so that neither of you feels either “rushed” or “stuck” in your partnership.

Be the best you

The role of your partner is not to make you happy, but rather for the two of you to be mutual support for each other, to be the best you can be so you can become a better version of yourself. Yet we each like to be appreciated and speaking each other’s love language adds to the satisfaction felt in the relationship. This means showing your love and affection on significant dates.

Whether Valentine’s Day or a wedding anniversary, you can improve your relationship with a gift you know your beloved will appreciate. Even if you are not great with choosing gifts, there is a traditional anniversary gift list that can give you ideas from a framed photograph for your first anniversary represented by paper or a gold dipped rose for your 50th anniversary (or your 14th anniversary.) Your gift is a chance to celebrate the love and affection that you share each day.

Timescales

There is no rigid timescale for any relationship. You may meet, start dating immediately and be engaged in six months if you know yourself well enough to know what you want and don’t want; what works for you and what doesn’t. Simply put, the more you know yourself, the easier it will be to determine if a relationship is healthy and can be improved.

In contrast, waiting too long for relationship milestones can flag up a fear of commitment, which can be based on past hurts or other issues that need looking at. If the timing of relationship goals is different between the couple, there is a possibility now is not the right time for the couple to be together, since resolving past issues is critical so they don’t hurt the relationship in future.

Respect each other’s dignity

See your partner as an individual in their own right, and not simply with you to take care of your every wish. Honour each other’s history and unique story and ask questions of each other to find out something new. It can be easy for some people to see their partner as being in the relationship for their benefit, which kills a relationship over time.

Be considerate of your partner, honour their boundaries and be affectionate in a way you know they appreciate, from holding hands in public or going to bed together at the same time each night. This could as simple as deciding about your next monthly date night, whether you let her have her horror movie fix or instead share a new experience at a new local restaurant.

Keep your friendship

Within your romance, maintain your great friendship. It is your friendship that will weather all storms, being more important than physical attraction, personality matches, and shared values. Be grateful when they buy your favourite ice cream or clean your car and don’t see it as an expected duty.

Friendship is about being interdependent rather than independent or dependent and it is important to nurture that connection whilst maintaining our own unique identities within our coupledom. This means that you can tweak your schedule for dates that are important to them, leaving the gym earlier so you can see a movie premiere for example. Actively listen to what your partner is saying and if there is a challenging meeting coming up, make a note of the date and set a reminder for yourself so you can ask on the day how it went.

Have realistic expectations of each other. Accept that in relationships, mistakes will be made by both parties. Let go of old wounds and forgive mistakes that did not mean to cause hurt or harm. If you feel a bit stuck, talk with friends to resolve your feelings, they can also offer critical insights to help you on your way.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. How to Improve Sleep Quality When Sleeping with Your Partner?
  2. When One Person is More Interested in a Relationship
  3. Four Keys to an Excellent Relationship with Your Boss
  4. Managing Life After Abuse: Moving On After An Abusive Relationship
  5. Black Friday and the Shopping Craze

This is the Career Kiss of Death, according to Lee Iacocca

By Leave a Comment

Auto industry icon Lee Iacocca wrote in Iacocca: An Autobiography (1986,)

There’s one phrase that I hate to see on any executive’s [performance] evaluation, no matter how talented he may be, and that’s the line: “He has trouble getting along with other people.”

To me, that’s the kiss of death. “You’ve [the evaluator] just destroyed the guy,” I always think. “He can’t get along with people? Then he’s got a real problem, because that’s all we’ve got around here. No dogs, no apes—only people. And if he can’t get along with his peers, what good is he to the company? As an executive, his whole function is to motivate other people. If he can’t do that, he’s in the wrong place.”

A significant predictor of success in most professions is being easy to get along with. People who’re well-liked, work well with others, and help them do their jobs well will advance in any organization. Those who don’t usually don’t get as far.

A significant predictor of success is being easy to get along with

Idea for Impact: Interpersonal relationships in the workplace are at the heart of the matter

Leadership is influence. Leadership isn’t about titles, positions, pedigree, distinction, or corner offices. A leader who can encourage, inspire, and direct others’ efforts will be effective in any endeavor.

If you’d like to exert more influence on your boss and inspire more cooperation from your peers and colleagues, work on being genuine, pleasant, sincere, easy to talk with, and friendly—without becoming desperate to please others.

Too, develop the antennae for what motivates people by respecting their ideas and values. That may sometimes necessitate holding back your own.

Read Dale Carnegie’s masterful manual on people skills, How to Win Friends & Influence People (1936.) Jeswald Salacuse’s Leading Leaders (2005; my summary) can help you expand your persuasive skills for situations where you may not have much influence over others.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. A Trick to Help you Praise At Least Three People Every Day
  2. Book Summary of Maria Bartiromo’s ‘The 10 Laws of Enduring Success’
  3. Could Limiting Social Media Reduce Your Anxiety About Work?
  4. Systems-Thinking as a Trait for Career Success
  5. Being Underestimated Can Be a Great Thing
Here’s a prayer to help you deal with annoying people. Learn from the Stoics!