Right Attitudes

Ideas for Impact

Introspection

Why You Should Make a Daily Appointment with Your Worries

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Set aside specific 15- to 30-minute appointments on your calendar for focused “Worry Time.”

Make them regular if possible, as in “I’ll worry from 4:00 to 4:30 p.m. every evening.”

If a worry emerges before or after your Worry Time, jot it down and tackle it later.

For the span of your set Worry Time, agonize over whatever is bothering you. Chew on your problems or write them down. Then commit yourself to get back to your routine.

Don’t do this right before bed or first thing in the morning, especially if you tend to wake up with a sense of anxiety over everything that needs to be done.

Ruminating about the past and worrying about the future makes staying in the present moment impossible. It’s mentally and emotionally draining. It interferes with moving forward. Therefore, by using this focused time for worrying, you can get your worries out of the way. Put off any emergent worries until your next scheduled worry session, just as you should ‘do’ emails at set points during the day instead of letting them disrupt your flow.

Limiting your time to worry can also make your Worry Time productive. By having a clear limit to how much time you can spend thinking about an issue, you can push yourself to seek a solution instead of ruminating endlessly.

With some practice, you’ll learn not to let those inevitable anxieties flood your thoughts throughout your day.

Wondering what to read next?

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  2. The Power of Negative Thinking
  3. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  4. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal
  5. Think Your Way Out of a Negative Thought

What to Do If You Wake Up in the Middle of the Night Worrying About Stuff

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Intrusive thoughts can take control of your mind at the worst possible times—when you’re trying to go to bed or having trouble staying asleep in the middle of the night. It may take hours to fall asleep if you’re agitated about your job, finances, relationship conflict, or other trouble.

If you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep within 20 minutes, get out of bed and do something calming. Sip some tea or read yourself to sleep.

When your brain is revved up about unsettled impediments that you may be avoiding, devote a few minutes to journal about whatever is bugging you. Get everything out of your head. Or scribble at least one baby step you can take to address each issue.

Idea for Impact: Journaling and working through your stress—processing powerful emotions, clearing your mind, and brainstorming solutions—can help deal with the stressors. If you have persistent insomnia, talk to a healthcare provider.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. The Power of Negative Thinking
  2. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  3. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal
  4. Learn to Cope When You’re Stressed
  5. How to Encourage Yourself During Tough Times

Don’t Be Afraid to Let the Darkness In

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It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to be angry or sad.

Fear, anxiety, sadness, and other negative emotions are but a natural response to what’s happening in your life, and you shouldn’t have to deny them. No one goes through life never feeling a negative emotion.

If you have a vicious internal voice—an ‘inner saboteur’—that also scorns you for having a rough time, just tell yourself it’s okay to not be okay. Your emotions aren’t the enemy. Sometimes things are hard because they’re just hard and not because you’re lacking something or you’re not doing enough.

You don’t need to buy into platitudes such as “Look on the sunnier side!” and “Everything happens for a reason!” Being positive isn’t the only correct way to live. In fact, toxic positivity can make you feel disconnected and, eventually, worse.

As long as you deal with them healthily, negative sentiments are okay—no need to avoid unpleasant realities. Stop buying into them, being attached to them, and inviting them back. Leaning into—not suppressing—pain, regret, sadness, and fear can bring significant benefits. The road to the good life is paved with the full range of the human experience—tears and furrowed brows, smiles and amusement, and all.

Idea for Impact: Don’t be afraid to let the darkness in. No need to attach so much meaning to what arises. No need to identify with your emotions. Allow yourself to experience the emotions. In time, they’ll move on through.

Seek little moments of compassion, inspiration, calmness, or altruism. These have the power to inspire and give hope.

Wondering what to read next?

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  2. Learn to Manage Your Negative Emotions and Yourself
  3. The More You Can Manage Your Emotions, the More Effective You’ll Be
  4. “What Am I Sad About?”
  5. How People Defend Themselves in a Crisis

Beware the Opportunity Cost of Meditating

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Many people claim to derive substantial benefits from mediation. Experiencing the present moment can help exclude the torrent of diverse thoughts and mind-wandering.

But sometimes, meditation may not be the most prudent use of your time, especially if you’re stressed.

Disruptive thoughts emerge when you sit down to meditate. Not engaging in them can be challenging if you aren’t an experienced meditator.

Unloading your mind precludes thinking and, in turn, making progress on your issues and dilemmas. Meditation increases the sense of time starvation. After your meditation session, your troubles are still there, only that now you have lesser time to solve them. And losing time is even palpable if you attend a meditation retreat for days or weeks.

Idea for Impact: Meditation is not a substitute for action. Sometimes you could benefit more from spending that time on more active approaches to deal with whatever’s stressing them out. Try journaling, thinking through what needs to be done, withdrawing to a secluded corner for focused work, chatting with friends and colleagues, or seeking counseling. As with meditation, these actions allow you to step back from your life to take a meta-view of whatever you want. That can reduce your stress and improve your approach to problems.

Wondering what to read next?

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  4. How People Defend Themselves in a Crisis
  5. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal

Thought Suppression is Counterproductive

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You can’t make a bad thought go away by trying not to think about it.

Pushing away a thought works, but for a little while. Short-term relief is often worse than no relief, sometimes exacerbating the very emotions you’re hoping to veer off.

Most crutches of choice (drugs, alcohol, tobacco, barbiturates, shopping, or high-carbohydrate foods) offer transitory comfort. The immediate pleasure often gives way to long-term despair, which causes repeated use of the same agent. The consequence is addiction. The same is valid for thought suppression.

Studies have revealed that the more you suppress a thought, the stronger its recoil. For instance, smokers suppressing the thought of cigarettes report that the appeal of smoking comes rushing back with even greater power when they let their guard down. Holding back your thoughts will actually make you think about them more once the period of active suppression is over. In other words, suppressing a thought increases your attachment to it.

Persistence creates resistance; the more you try to push thoughts out, the bigger they get. Further, the fleeting relief of thought suppression pushes you away from more effective and lasting approaches, such as gratitude, acceptance, and forgiveness.

Idea for Impact: Suppress Your Thoughts about Suppression

In a world obsessed with positive thinking, many of us have been conditioned to be so averse to “negative emotions” that we don’t recognize them, much less acknowledge them, or give ourselves permission to feel and process them. Thought suppression causes more stress and anxiety than if you confront what you’re trying to forget.

  • Replace unwanted thoughts with thoughts that focus on your goals (e.g., “It feels better to eat a delicious fruit than it does to wolf down a s’more topped with melted chocolate.”)
  • Create an if-then to help you not block unwanted thoughts out but instead plan what you really need to do to act on temptations. Your plans can disrupt the connection between the thought and giving in to temptation. Over time, the thoughts will fade on their own.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Think Your Way Out of a Negative Thought
  2. The Power of Negative Thinking
  3. Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself
  4. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  5. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal

How to … Stop Getting Defensive

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What Is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness generally stems from a consistent feeling that you need to protect yourself. There may have been a time when you were constantly questioned or felt unacknowledged. This can lead to a habit of turning on the fight response, even when it’s unnecessary. In other words, your defensiveness was perhaps useful at one point, but it’s less so now.

To learn graceful ways of coping with feeling defensive, try to pinpoint when, where, or with whom the defensiveness impulse typically occurs. Take a week to become aware of your behavior. Next, write down a few interactions you would have liked to conduct differently: do you wish you had stayed quiet and listened, asked questions, stood up for yourself, and asserted your position? Rehearsing alternative responses will help you react more calmly in future scenarios.

Time to “Go to The Balcony”

When you find yourself in a conversation triggering your self-protective, defensive impulse, take a moment to pause. Relax and think about what you are doing. Inhale slowly, gaze out of the window for a moment, or repeat a reassuring mantra in your head (“I’m feeling provoked,” “I’m annoyed by that comment,” or “I need to be centered.”) Slow down your response, so you have time to gain control.

Harvard’s William Ury, the author of such acclaimed books on negotiation as Getting to Yes (1981) and The Power of a Positive No (2007,) calls this process “going to the balcony.” It’s figuratively retreating to a mental and emotional refuge.

That’s a prudent response. When you’re provoked, one of the most significant powers you have is the power not to react but to go to a place of calm, perspective, and self-control. There, you can acknowledge your emotions. You can refocus on yourself, remind yourself of your deepest values, and reorient yourself on “the prize.”

Idea for Impact: Respond, Don’t React

There is a mighty difference between responding and reacting. When you respond, you’re using communication devices to express yourself and gain understanding. When you react, instead, you’re merely trying to fight back, win over the person or stamp out the other person’s allegation.

Reacting only creates conflict and escalates emotions.

It’s okay to become hurt by negative feedback, and it’s okay to disagree with criticism. However, learning how to respond calmly and soundly will provide you with an effective way to stay centered.

Teaching yourself to respond and not react may be hard at first. But it gets easier with practice. And in time, you’ll likely feel calmer. Commit and practice.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Summary of Richard Carlson’s ‘Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff’
  2. Mindfulness Can Disengage You from Others
  3. It’s Not What You See; It’s How You See It
  4. The More You Can Manage Your Emotions, the More Effective You’ll Be
  5. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal

Look Back at This Time Last Year

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Each week, review the prior year’s calendar, logbook, or journal for the same week to see what you were doing. What projects were you working on, and with whom were you interacting?

This habit not only gives you a perspective on how things turned out for you but also reminds you to reconnect with people.

What was most important in your life then? What “would I, could I, should I” decisions were you facing then? Have some of your anticipated troubles never come to pass? What were your most memorable moments? Has much of your worrying been eventually fruitless? What elements of life have you overlooked, and what could you restart or reprioritize now?

Idea for Impact: As you look back, reflect on how every experience, even a negative one, is merely a little step on the path. In the end, life turns out to be okay.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself
  2. Get Everything Out of Your Head
  3. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  4. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal
  5. Sometimes You Should Stop Believing // The Case Against Hope

Why You May Be Overlooking Your Best Talent

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Many organizations have a hard time articulating their culture. They can’t explain what they mean when they evoke the phrase “culture fit.” Sometimes it’s just an excuse to engage employees better whom managers feel they can personally relate.

Affinity bias is a common tendency to evaluate people like us more positively than others. This bias often affects who gets hired, promoted, or picked for job opportunities. Employees who look like those already in leadership roles are more likely to be recognized for career development, resulting in a lack of representation in senior positions.

This affinity for people who are like ourselves is hard-wired into our brains. Outlawing bias is doomed to fail.

Idea for Impact: If you want to avoid missing your top talent, become conscious of implicit biases. Don’t overlook any preference for like-minded people.

For any role, create a profile that encompasses which combination of hard and soft skills will matter for the role and on the team. Determine what matters and focus on the traits and skills you need.

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  4. Labeling Damage
  5. Racism and Identity: The Lie of Labeling

It’s Not What You See; It’s How You See It

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Try to consider the sunny side of a situation rather than focusing on what’s wrong with it.

If it’s pouring rain, don’t upset yourself over plans hampered or stress about getting drenched. Instead, relish the splendor of landscape under the grey sky, delight in the pattering noise of the rain, and savor how the flowers have their heads as if to rest. Appreciate how rain is the great facilitator of life. And use this as a perfect excuse to curl up with a good book and chill out.

It’s not what you see; it’s how you see it.

Got a demanding new boss? Bring to mind all the things you can learn from her—including what not to do as a manager.

Reframing allows you an expanded view of your reality. You can move your experience from a negative frame to a more hopeful one, filled with opportunities.

How you frame something can change everything. When you change your point of view, the facts of the situation remain the same. But the shift in your emotional tone changes the meaning that you give to the situation.

Idea for Impact: Practice cognitive control. Learn how to put things in perspective.

When something or somebody annoys you, shift your attention. Ask, “What’s right about this? What’s to be appreciated about this?” Imagine the best possible outcomes.

Reframing an event or stimulus changes your emotional response to it—and it helps keep stress in check.

Changing the way you see the world is not a denial. It doesn’t imply naive optimism. Instead, it is the purging of mental pollutants such as dislike and anger—even aggression—that poison the mind and disable you from finding refuge in presence.

In Buddhism, the opposite of pleasure is not pain but delusion.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Imagine a Better Response
  2. How to … Stop Getting Defensive
  3. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  4. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal
  5. Summary of Richard Carlson’s ‘Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff’

Imagine a Better Response

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In the Discourses of Epictetus (c.108 CE,) Arrian reports, “I must die: must I, then die groaning too? I must be fettered: and wailing too. I must go into exile? Does anyone, then, keep me from going a smile and cheerful and serene?”

You may not choose the circumstance, but you can choose your response to it.

Choose your response, and you can rise above what holds you down.

But how?

Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning (1959) proposes, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

When circumstances pull for some particular reaction, choose to respond instead.

Don’t react without thinking. Don’t accept reflexive reactions. Instead, learn to become aware that there is a “space” before responding. Learn to recognize, increase, and make use of this “space.”

That awareness ushers a release from the dictates of both external and internal pressures.

Choose a better response. With that, you can find inner happiness.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. It’s Not What You See; It’s How You See It
  2. Get Everything Out of Your Head
  3. Cope with Anxiety and Stop Obsessive Worrying by Creating a Worry Box
  4. Expressive Writing Can Help You Heal
  5. Summary of Richard Carlson’s ‘Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff’