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Self-Criticism Is Self-Sabotage

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'The Happiness Track' by Emma Seppala (ISBN 0062344013) According to Emma Seppälä, a researcher from Stanford and Yale, the tendency to excessively dwell on negative outcomes and the subsequent self-criticism can erode our self-worth, leading to self-doubt and unhappiness.

In her book The Happiness Track (2016,) Seppälä advocates for self-compassion, emphasizing the importance of treating oneself with the same understanding, mindfulness, and kindness that one would extend to a friend. This shift in mindset can lead to significantly increased resilience, productivity, and overall well-being.

Self-Criticism Is Self-Sabotage Seppälä recommends a practice of expressive writing. When dealing with intense emotions, try writing a letter to yourself as if you were addressing a friend. While this might initially feel unusual, this self-compassionate approach can help put your feelings into perspective rather than magnifying them. Expressive writing offers an opportunity for meaningful change by confronting your realities, reframing your experiences, and identifying any obstacles hindering your pursuit of purpose, joy, and contentment.

Idea for Impact: By replacing self-doubt and harsh self-judgment with self-compassion and positive self-talk, you’ll empower yourself to thrive. This transformative shift opens the doors to personal growth, stronger relationships, and a more resilient mindset.

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Employee Surveys: Perceptions Apart

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Employee Surveys: The View From The Top, And The View From The Bottom Employee engagement surveys offer a stark illustration of the disconnect between the viewpoints of lower-ranking employees and top management. The Economist notes that bosses often believe their companies are compassionate, but their subordinates tend to hold a different perspective.

A [meta study on engagement surveys] found that bosses often believe their own guff, even if their underlings do not. Bosses are eight times more likely than the average to believe that their organisation is self-governing. (The cheery folk in human resources are also much more optimistic than other employees.) Some 27% of bosses believe their employees are inspired by their firm. Alas, only 4% of employees agree. Likewise, 41% of bosses say their firm rewards performance based on values rather than merely on financial results. Only 14% of employees swallow this.

The disconnect between senior management and rank and file employees often arises from limited direct interaction, information filtering, hierarchical barriers, and differing workplace cultures. Senior leaders don’t always fully grasp the day-to-day challenges and concerns of front-line workers.

From my viewpoint, many HR professionals tend to be overly optimistic when evaluating employee engagement, which can diverge from reality. This is partly because rank-and-file employees often perceive HR as less reliable in addressing their concerns, given the belief that HR prioritizes the organization’s interests. Concerns about transparency and inconsistent policy enforcement within HR exacerbate this perception.

Idea for Impact: From the lofty heights where they preside, leaders (and HR folk) can’t make out a world from which they hide.

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Cultural Differences and Detecting Deception

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Cultural Differences and Detecting Deception Spotting a liar isn’t an exact science; factors like eye contact, direct versus indirect communication, and many of the frequently highlighted “sure signs” of a liar may not always hold up across different cultures.

If you’re seeking more reliable indicators to help you discern truth from fiction, here they are:

  • Inconsistent Stories: Liars often weave a web of contradictions, changing their narrative as they go. When the story keeps evolving, it’s a red flag.
  • Lack of Detail: Liars tend to avoid specifics, offering vague responses that leave you with more questions than answers.
  • Defensiveness: While a poker face can hide the truth, excessive defensiveness can signal deception. When confronted, liars may become overly protective of their secrets.

Idea for Impact: Cultural sensitivity is essential when navigating the complex realm of truth and deception.

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Listening is Not Just Waiting to Talk

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Listening is Not Just Waiting to Talk In our fast-paced world, one of the most counterproductive—insidious even—listening habits is the tendency to construct our response while the other person is talking. It’s like mentally hitting the pause button on their words and drafting our own script for the moment they pause.

This habit often arises from a lack of active listening skills. Planning our responses can sometimes feel like our way of actively participating in the conversation. Additionally, societal norms can play a role; in certain contexts, rapid and assertive replies are highly valued, reinforcing this behavior.

But here’s the catch: when we’re pretending to listen while internally rehearsing our response—or even a counterargument,—we’re not truly grasping the speaker’s message. We miss the nuances and subtleties within it. Even worse, we signal to the speaker that we’re not genuinely interested in what they have to say.

To break free from this and other detrimental listening habits, cultivate self-awareness and consciously work on enhancing our listening skills. Rather than crafting a response in parallel, focus on fully comprehending the speaker’s viewpoint.

Idea for Impact: Let the other person complete their thoughts before you chime in. Allowing a brief pause to organize your thoughts. By practicing patience, active engagement, and empathy, you can transform into a more effective and attentive listener. This transformation will not only enhance your communication skills but also deepen your relationships.

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Hate is Self-Defeating

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Hatred and anger are emotions that are ultimately futile and self-defeating. The Buddha taught that negative and destructive emotions toward others only harm the person who holds them. He said, “In this world, hate never dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and inexhaustible. You too shall pass away. Knowing this, how can you quarrel?”

Hate may seem successful when it binds perpetrators and victims in a cycle of mutual retaliation and destruction, but this is only a fleeting success. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. taught that hate often leads to more hate. He said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness.”

Idea for Impact: Choosing love over hate is the only way to defeat hate. You can deny hate even this fleeting success by modeling love in your speech, attitude, and actions. Look past people’s shortcomings and choose to accept, tolerate, forgive, and love. This is the wiser choice.

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Stop Getting Caught in Other People’s Drama

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If you’re drawn to a drama that has nothing to do with you, it’s okay to make yourself available briefly to help others fix their issues. However, beyond the seeming entertainment value of tuning in without any strings or consequences, odds are it’s actively interfering with your responsibilities.

Is getting consumed with other people’s drama just a form of escapism, allowing you to push attention away from stressful or unwelcome events in your own life for a brief amount of time?

To break the pattern of involvement in others’ dramas, shift your perspective and pay attention to what you’ll gain by not getting involved. Getting wrapped up in other people’s drama should never come at the expense of your own well-being.

Idea for Impact: Examine if you’re becoming interested in other people’s dramas because you’re evading your own reality. Set boundaries to preserve your own energy. Face your own life.

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How to Speak Up in Meetings and Disagree Tactfully

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If you find it challenging to speak up in meetings, especially when disagreeing, here’s a helpful framework:

  1. Restate the objective, even if it seems obvious: “Let’s clarify what we aim to achieve here…” This restatement sharpens the focus on the purpose.
  2. Paraphrase someone’s point: “So, if I understand correctly, you’re suggesting…”
  3. Express your concerns or alternative perspective: “I have concerns because…” or “While I see your point, how would we address…”
  4. Be the last to contribute: Your silence piques curiosity and makes your statement more impactful. Incorporate the best ideas expressed and avoid obvious mistakes.

Following this approach, you can tactfully express your thoughts with the right tone and words while seeking common ground.

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Thirteen Phrases Your Customers Don’t Want to Hear

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When spoken with a particular tone, specific phrases can instantly infuriate and frustrate customers. Here are some alternatives to consider:

  • Avoid: “I don’t know.” Instead, try “That’s a good question. Let me check and find out.”
  • Avoid: “Just a second.” Instead, try “It could take me a few minutes to get that information. Could you hold while I check, or should I call you back in ten minutes?”
  • Avoid: “Wait.” Instead, try “I haven’t gotten to that yet.”
  • Avoid: “We can’t do that for you.” Instead, try “That’s a tough one. Let me see what I can do.”
  • Avoid: “You’ll have to…” Instead, try “Here’s how we can help you.”
  • Avoid: “That’s not my job.” Instead, try “I usually don’t handle that area, but I know who can help you. Let me see if he’s available.”
  • Avoid: “It’s your fault.” Instead, try “The way this process works is…
  • Avoid: “Why didn’t you do…?” Instead, try “Our process expects you to…”
  • Avoid: “How’s that my concern?” Instead, try, “I understand how upset you are.”
  • Avoid: “I know!” Instead, try “Yes, you’re right.”
  • Avoid: “As I explained earlier… Instead, try “Let’s review the steps again.”
  • Avoid: “Don’t you understand?” Instead, try, “Am I understandable thus far?”
  • Avoid: “Are you done?” Instead, try, “Will there be anything else?”

Master the art of words and deliver customer service messages with a confident, sympathetic tone. Create a personalized list of “Do Say” and “Don’t Say” phrases, drawing from your own experiences.

Reflect on the pain points and communication barriers that specifically frustrated you as a customer during customer service calls, as well as the instances where representatives provided positive interactions. Identify effective approaches and avoid pitfalls when engaging with customers.

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Avoid Trigger Words: Own Your Words with Grace and Care

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Using phrases like “you should,” “you never,” and “you’re supposed to” can immediately put the other person on the defensive.

  • When making statements, it’s better to begin with “I feel” or “I’d like.” By using “I” statements, nobody can argue with the fact that you feel a certain way.
  • Take responsibility for your words. Instead of protesting with phrases like “Don’t be late as usual,” which only reinforce complaints, try inviting positive change by saying, “It would be helpful for me if you could arrive early tonight, maybe by six.”
  • Saying “I don’t care” or “You choose” might not make you seem pleasant and agreeable. The other person may resent being forced to make decisions on your behalf.
  • Phrases like “I hate to be a pain, but…” or “I could be wrong, but…” undermine your request before you even make it.
  • Saying “I know” can make you appear irritating, self-important, or unreceptive. Instead, using “You’re right” doesn’t belittle something the other person may have just realized. “Yes, that’s on my mind!” acknowledges the other person’s reminder.
  • If someone apologizes anxiously, don’t say, “Stop saying sorry.” Instead, saying, “You have nothing to apologize for,” is more reassuring and won’t make the other person feel awkward.

Idea for Impact: Using direct and concise language strengthens the message and clarifies your needs. Be mindful of language that may unintentionally cause offense, distress, or discomfort to others. Prioritizing empathy and open-mindedness can contribute to maintaining respectful and inclusive conversations.

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“Are We Fixing, Whinging, or Distracting?”

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When a friend is upset and seeks your support, it’s essential to ask them a simple question once it’s appropriate: “Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to get your mind off it and distract yourself, or are you expecting me to give you some suggestions to help you out?”

Asking, “Are we fixing, whinging, or distracting?” can be incredibly beneficial for an upset friend. I use it often, and people respond positively to it. This question establishes boundaries and fosters trust, allowing you to be there for them the way they need.

Sometimes, people simply need to vent. Begin by providing comfort and then follow up with, “Do you want advice, or do you want me just to listen?”

It’s crucial to validate the other person’s feelings and experiences. Even if you believe there’s an easy fix, prioritize acknowledging their emotions. Let them be heard and empathize with them. Validating their emotions is truly significant. Simple statements like “Yeah, that IS terrible,” “That does suck,” “I can definitely see why you’re angry,” or “You have a right to be frustrated” can work wonders in offering solace and emotional support during challenging moments.

At times, staying quiet is what’s needed. It saves you from saying something unsuited to the situation. You can also say, “I am at a loss for words,” which is still validating. It shows that you consider the issue as crucial as they do and are also genuinely stumped by it.

However, on other occasions, they may need to share their experiences with someone outside of the conflict. This allows them to express their thoughts and emotions, which can be cathartic and aid in processing their experiences. If they wish to shift their focus and be distracted from what’s bothering them, talk about your own day, share something funny you came across, or engage in a fun activity together.

Idea for Impact: Don’t assume they’re seeking a solution when someone vents. Avoid offering advice right away in an attempt to steer them away from discussing it.

People often want to vent, grumble, and unload their troubles, even momentarily. Listen patiently and without reproach, offering a compassionate ear.

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