Conversations

Hate is Self-Defeating

September 23, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Hatred and anger are emotions that are ultimately futile and self-defeating. The Buddha taught that negative and destructive emotions toward others only harm the person who holds them. He said, “In this world, hate never dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and inexhaustible. You too shall pass away. Knowing this, how can you quarrel?”

Hate may seem successful when it binds perpetrators and victims in a cycle of mutual retaliation and destruction, but this is only a fleeting success. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. taught that hate often leads to more hate. He said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness.”

Idea for Impact: Choosing love over hate is the only way to defeat hate. You can deny hate even this fleeting success by modeling love in your speech, attitude, and actions. Look past people’s shortcomings and choose to accept, tolerate, forgive, and love. This is the wiser choice.

Stop Getting Caught in Other People’s Drama

September 21, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

If you’re drawn to a drama that has nothing to do with you, it’s okay to make yourself available briefly to help others fix their issues. However, beyond the seeming entertainment value of tuning in without any strings or consequences, odds are it’s actively interfering with your responsibilities.

Is getting consumed with other people’s drama just a form of escapism, allowing you to push attention away from stressful or unwelcome events in your own life for a brief amount of time?

To break the pattern of involvement in others’ dramas, shift your perspective and pay attention to what you’ll gain by not getting involved. Getting wrapped up in other people’s drama should never come at the expense of your own well-being.

Idea for Impact: Examine if you’re becoming interested in other people’s dramas because you’re evading your own reality. Set boundaries to preserve your own energy. Face your own life.

How to Speak Up in Meetings and Disagree Tactfully

August 22, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

If you find it challenging to speak up in meetings, especially when disagreeing, here’s a helpful framework:

Restate the objective, even if it seems obvious: “Let’s clarify what we aim to achieve here…” This restatement sharpens the focus on the purpose.
Paraphrase someone’s point: “So, if I understand correctly, you’re suggesting…”
Express your concerns or alternative perspective: “I have concerns because…” or “While I see your point, how would we address…”
Be the last to contribute: Your silence piques curiosity and makes your statement more impactful. Incorporate the best ideas expressed and avoid obvious mistakes.

Following this approach, you can tactfully express your thoughts with the right tone and words while seeking common ground.

Thirteen Phrases Your Customers Don’t Want to Hear

August 14, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

When spoken with a particular tone, specific phrases can instantly infuriate and frustrate customers. Here are some alternatives to consider:

Avoid: “I don’t know.” Instead, try “That’s a good question. Let me check and find out.”
Avoid: “Just a second.” Instead, try “It could take me a few minutes to get that information. Could you hold while I check, or should I call you back in ten minutes?”
Avoid: “Wait.” Instead, try “I haven’t gotten to that yet.”
Avoid: “We can’t do that for you.” Instead, try “That’s a tough one. Let me see what I can do.”
Avoid: “You’ll have to…” Instead, try “Here’s how we can help you.”
Avoid: “That’s not my job.” Instead, try “I usually don’t handle that area, but I know who can help you. Let me see if he’s available.”
Avoid: “It’s your fault.” Instead, try “The way this process works is…
Avoid: “Why didn’t you do…?” Instead, try “Our process expects you to…”
Avoid: “How’s that my concern?” Instead, try, “I understand how upset you are.”
Avoid: “I know!” Instead, try “Yes, you’re right.”
Avoid: “As I explained earlier… Instead, try “Let’s review the steps again.”
Avoid: “Don’t you understand?” Instead, try, “Am I understandable thus far?”
Avoid: “Are you done?” Instead, try, “Will there be anything else?”

Master the art of words and deliver customer service messages with a confident, sympathetic tone. Create a personalized list of “Do Say” and “Don’t Say” phrases, drawing from your own experiences.

Reflect on the pain points and communication barriers that specifically frustrated you as a customer during customer service calls, as well as the instances where representatives provided positive interactions. Identify effective approaches and avoid pitfalls when engaging with customers.

Avoid Trigger Words: Own Your Words with Grace and Care

August 3, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Using phrases like “you should,” “you never,” and “you’re supposed to” can immediately put the other person on the defensive.

When making statements, it’s better to begin with “I feel” or “I’d like.” By using “I” statements, nobody can argue with the fact that you feel a certain way.
Take responsibility for your words. Instead of protesting with phrases like “Don’t be late as usual,” which only reinforce complaints, try inviting positive change by saying, “It would be helpful for me if you could arrive early tonight, maybe by six.”
Saying “I don’t care” or “You choose” might not make you seem pleasant and agreeable. The other person may resent being forced to make decisions on your behalf.
Phrases like “I hate to be a pain, but…” or “I could be wrong, but…” undermine your request before you even make it.
Saying “I know” can make you appear irritating, self-important, or unreceptive. Instead, using “You’re right” doesn’t belittle something the other person may have just realized. “Yes, that’s on my mind!” acknowledges the other person’s reminder.
If someone apologizes anxiously, don’t say, “Stop saying sorry.” Instead, saying, “You have nothing to apologize for,” is more reassuring and won’t make the other person feel awkward.

Idea for Impact: Using direct and concise language strengthens the message and clarifies your needs. Be mindful of language that may unintentionally cause offense, distress, or discomfort to others. Prioritizing empathy and open-mindedness can contribute to maintaining respectful and inclusive conversations.

“Are We Fixing, Whinging, or Distracting?”

July 24, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

When a friend is upset and seeks your support, it’s essential to ask them a simple question once it’s appropriate: “Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to get your mind off it and distract yourself, or are you expecting me to give you some suggestions to help you out?”

Asking, “Are we fixing, whinging, or distracting?” can be incredibly beneficial for an upset friend. I use it often, and people respond positively to it. This question establishes boundaries and fosters trust, allowing you to be there for them the way they need.

Sometimes, people simply need to vent. Begin by providing comfort and then follow up with, “Do you want advice, or do you want me just to listen?”

It’s crucial to validate the other person’s feelings and experiences. Even if you believe there’s an easy fix, prioritize acknowledging their emotions. Let them be heard and empathize with them. Validating their emotions is truly significant. Simple statements like “Yeah, that IS terrible,” “That does suck,” “I can definitely see why you’re angry,” or “You have a right to be frustrated” can work wonders in offering solace and emotional support during challenging moments.

At times, staying quiet is what’s needed. It saves you from saying something unsuited to the situation. You can also say, “I am at a loss for words,” which is still validating. It shows that you consider the issue as crucial as they do and are also genuinely stumped by it.

However, on other occasions, they may need to share their experiences with someone outside of the conflict. This allows them to express their thoughts and emotions, which can be cathartic and aid in processing their experiences. If they wish to shift their focus and be distracted from what’s bothering them, talk about your own day, share something funny you came across, or engage in a fun activity together.

Idea for Impact: Don’t assume they’re seeking a solution when someone vents. Avoid offering advice right away in an attempt to steer them away from discussing it.

People often want to vent, grumble, and unload their troubles, even momentarily. Listen patiently and without reproach, offering a compassionate ear.

Three Questions to Ensure Alignment

July 17, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

When engaging in conversations with your partner, boss, or team, utilizing the following discussion framework can significantly contribute to productive discussions, cultivate shared understanding, and foster harmonious relationships:

Where am I headed? What are my expectations for you?
Where are you headed? What are your expectations for me?
Where are we headed? How can we bring about positive change?

Before initiating the conversation, it is beneficial to reflect on your thoughts and emotions. Gain a clear understanding of what you wish to discuss and consider how to communicate your expectations while demonstrating respect and empathy effectively. This self-awareness will greatly assist you in expressing yourself with clarity.

The overlap of these three questions is where friction will come from. What’s at odds with each others’ expectations?

Identify tension points. Plan around them. Push through with open-mindedness and a willingness to find common ground.

Potluck Perfect: The Dos and Don’ts of Etiquette

May 29, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Potluck parties are a great way to bring together friends and family on a budget, but just because they’re casual doesn’t mean etiquette should be forgotten. Here’s what both hosts and guests need to know:

For hosts, it’s essential to be clear about what guests should bring, pre-plan the menu, and ensure expectations are within guests’ abilities and budgets. Ensure there’s something for everyone to enjoy. Non-cooks and visitors-to-town should be allowed to bring a charcuterie tray or bakery dessert.

Give guests small, simple jobs, but make sure they’re easy and convenient.
Encourage socializing. Introduce guests to each other and plan some group activities to get everyone interacting. Plan fun activities, such as lawn games, music, or a bonfire (if weather permits.)

For attendees, let the host know in advance what you’re bringing and check what others are bringing. Let the host know if you want to prepare or bring something else.

Bring enough food for everyone to try some and put some effort into it; don’t show up empty-handed or with something as simple as a bag of chips. Put some effort in. Don’t be disrespectful to those who’ve slaved over the stove.
Don’t bring a dish or dessert with a serving missing. If your family demands a taste test, divide your preparation into individual servings and transfer them onto a decorative plate.
Don’t bring something only you can eat or something super exotic. Stick with what you know and opt for creative dishes from your family or tradition.
Don’t bring a dish that needs to be finished or heated in the oven; bring everything you need to serve your dish.
Put your dish’s ingredients on an index card and place it next to your pot, so guests with food allergies or dietary restrictions will know what they can eat.
If you have dietary restrictions, don’t make a big fuss; bring something you can eat.
Arrive on time, offer to help wash up, and try to taste a little bit of everything. Don’t double-dip when eating appetizers or touch all the rolls in the basket.
Complement other dishes, ask for a recipe if you’re interested, and don’t expect to leave early with your dish or leftovers unless the host suggests it.

Idea for Impact: A successful potluck gathering is akin to a warm embrace that envelops all in attendance, making them feel right at home and where there is plenty of delicious food and drink to go around.

Can You Be Terminated for Out-of-Work Conduct?

March 20, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

An employee’s off-duty conduct is generally off-limits as far as employers are concerned, and an employer can’t terminate an employee for conduct outside work if that termination would amount to unlawful discrimination.

However, exceptions exist if the misconduct outside the workplace poses a serious risk to the employer’s business.

In employment-at-will states, employers can terminate an employee for a good reason, a bad reason, or no reason at all.
If an employment contract is in place, it likely outlines the specific types of conduct for which an employee can be terminated. So the rights and obligations of the employer and the employee are set contractually.

In many cases, though, no clear-cut guidelines can help determine the course of the action, especially for off-duty, private deeds with moral or political overtones that aren’t rightfully the company’s concern. However, the employer can terminate if the employer can establish a logical, if not obvious, connection between an egregious off-duty behavior having some bearing on their job (e.g., substance abuse that impairs the ability to perform work,) posing a reputational risk, damaging the employer’s interests, portrays the employer in a poor light (e.g., the employee was wearing a uniform or sporting the employer’s logo ) or is incompatible with the employee’s duty (e.g., a poorly worded social media post painting the employer or the industry in a poor light, or inciting hatred and hostility.) The devil is always in the detail.

Idea for Impact: Any out-of-hours misconduct with some sufficient or necessary association with the employment is grounds for termination. Best to know the employer’s policy on what makes up a breach of the company’s values, public position, and policies.

Confirm Key Decisions in Writing

March 9, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi 1 Comment

All human dealings are subject to intended and (largely) unintended misunderstandings and misinterpretations. In fact, when an agreement is distasteful, it’s easy to misunderstand.

Confirm oral agreements, instructions, and understandings in writing at the first chance you get. Don’t rely on just memory.

After meetings, email all the participants recording what was discussed. That way, if there’s ever a debate about what was discussed in the meeting, there is a written record to review. Do this even for phone calls if what was discussed is important. A helpful template:

I am confirming the agreement we reached at our meeting this afternoon. We decided on the following provisions: A, B, and C. Let me know as soon as possible if this information is not accurate so we can finalize this part of our negotiations. Call me to discuss any necessary changes if this doesn’t reflect your understanding.

Idea for Impact: “If it wasn’t written down, it wasn’t said.” Documenting critical decisions—your interpretation of it at least—helps avoid future fracas. If you don’t receive a written protest or correction, your account of the meeting stands accepted.

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