Etiquette

No White Socks with Black Shoes

December 23, 2009 By Nagesh Belludi 9 Comments

While we are on the topic of clothing and appearance, this is a little pet peeve of mine.

Wearing white socks with black shoes is a style faux pas.

Why fuss over something trivial, you might ask. True, socks are less conspicuous than most other elements of your clothing. However, wearing an unaesthetic combination or, worse, the wrong kind of socks can attract attention. Remember that in matters of clothing and demeanor, the devil is in the details. When it comes to dressing for an important event, no element is trivial enough to overlook.

A few broad guidelines are in order.

Generally, match the color of your socks to that of your shoes.
Avoid light-colored socks with dark shoes. In particular, avoid wearing white socks with black shoes. Men should also avoid pastel and flesh-toned socks.
Prefer darker socks. If you own an assortment of black, blue-black, and dark brown socks, be careful when matching socks into pairs. When you are indoors or under low light, you may inadvertently mismatch socks and wind up wearing one each of two different dark colors. (This happened to me when I was heading to an interview a few years ago. Luckily, I had enough time to stop at a store and buy a new pair of socks.)
For dress wear, your best bet is to own a collection of plain, black, vertically ribbed socks. Dress socks should be thinner than athletic socks. If you want to try patterned socks, let the patterns be simple and subtle.
Use white socks only with white athletic shoes, shorts, track pants and other active gear. Select darker socks with dark colored athletic shoes.
For casual wear, say while wearing khakis or jeans, white socks are acceptable if you are wearing white athletic shoes. Black socks are just as acceptable.
You may wear striped socks, holiday-themed socks or socks with your favorite cartoon or Disney characters only for relaxed occasions or when indoors.
Buy socks that are long enough to cover a good portion of your calves. When you sit down or cross legs, you should not display any skin between your socks and pants.
Wear ankle socks only with shorts.
Choose socks made of wool or cotton. These materials breathe well and absorb moisture better.
Do not wear socks with sandals or slippers.
After each wash, make sure that your socks are in good condition. Avoid the embarrassment of having to remove your shoes in front of others only to find that your socks have holes in them.

Meal Manners: Pace Yourself, Start and Finish with Others

April 8, 2009 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

When dining together, order the same number of courses as everyone else. This will help pace the dinner appropriately. If you’re just having the main course, and the fellow to your left orders a salad or appetizer in addition to the entrée, order a salad or appetizer, too.

As a guest, when your host asks you to order first, ask her for recommendations. This can hint at a price range from which to pick.
As a host, urge your guests to order first. Then, try to order as many courses for yourself as your guests to make sure everyone can begin and finish eating at about the same time.
At the table, wait until everyone is served. Begin to eat only after the host or the most important guest does. Follow this guideline for each course of the meal. Pace yourself such that you finish at about the same time as everybody else at your table.
If you are the most important guest or the host and others are served way before you are, urge the others to begin eating while the food is still hot.
Order the same number of courses as everyone else. This will help pace the dinner appropriately. If you intend to order just the main course, and the person to your left orders a salad or appetizer in addition to the entrée, you should order a salad or appetizer, too.
At buffet meals, after you get your food and sit down at an open table, wait until two or three others join you at the table before beginning to eat.

Depending on the formality and decorum appropriate to the occasion, try to stick to the above guidelines. More importantly, use common sense and make others around you comfortable.

How to Make Eye Contact [Body Language]

July 3, 2008 By Nagesh Belludi

Humanity is imparted on us by actions and language and by looks and glances. We start to comprehend humanity soon after birth in the eyes of our parents, our siblings, and other loved ones. The glances of their eyes have profound meanings—even the subtlest of glimpses could convey emotions of love and hostility, cheerfulness and anxiety, approval and disapproval. The glances elevate us from our insignificance and instinctively make us feel more significant. In “La vie commune. Essai d’anthropologie generale,” Bulgarian-French philosopher and essayist Tzvetan Todorov declares,

The child seeks its mother’s eyes not only so that she will come to feed and comfort him but because the very fact that she looks at him gives him an indispensable complement: it confirms his own existence … As if they recognized the importance of this moment – though such is not the case – parent and child can look at each other’s eyes for a long time. Such an action is totally exceptional in the case of adults, when looking at each other’s eyes for more than ten seconds can only signify one of two things: both partners are either going to fight or make love.

Eyes are the Mirror of the Soul

“The eyes are the mirror of the soul.”
– A Yiddish Proverb

Our eyes play a major role in our interpersonal communication. The eyes express our moods and reactions more overtly than does other body language. Largely, observant people can attempt to understand our attitudes through the nature of our eye contact, our facial expressions, and body language.

When we meet other people, we usually observe their eyes first. When we speak, we tend to look other’s eyes. In return, we expect our audience to look at our eyes and pay their undivided attention. Hence, making and keeping good eye contact with others is an important habit.

President John F. Kennedy’s Technique for Eye Contact

The Reader’s Digest guide ‘How to Write and Speak Better’ notes a technique used by President John F Kennedy.

When people look and listen they tend to focus on one eye rather than both. Kennedy, however, would look from eye to eye when he listened, softening the expression in his own eyes at the same time, and so giving the impression that he cared greatly about the speaker’s feelings.

Trick: Make a Mental Note of Their Eye Color

The ‘ Success Begins Today‘ blog cites a technique from Nicholas Boothman’s book, “How to Connect in Business in 90 Seconds”

Eye contact and smile … it’s a simple courtesy and leads to a relaxed conversation. If you tend to be a shy person, this may be somewhat difficult for you. You may tend to look down or away when greeting someone. This can break the conversation right away.

When you meet or greet someone for the first time, just make a mental note of their eye color. This simple technique is amazingly effective. If you are looking for their eye color you’ll automatically make eye contact for a second or two.

Keeping Eye Contact in Conversations

When people maintain eye contact during a conversation, others usually interpret the eye contact as a sign of interest, confidence, honesty, compassion, and sympathy depending on the nature of the conversation. Failure to maintain eye contact may be interpreted as signs of suppression of emotions or truth, distraction, disagreement, confusion, reticence or lack of interest. Further, when people react to blame or accusation or are provoked into defensiveness or aggressiveness, their eye contact increase considerably—often, their pupils dilate.

Individual Differences

Many people, due to innate shyness or cultural background, tend to evade or curtail eye contact. They do not realize that, even if they are sincere and confident, their lack of eye contact could inadvertently communicate insincerity and lack of self-assurance.

Cultural Differences

The amount of eye contact varies dramatically in different cultures. In Asian cultures, for instance, where formal social structures (age, experience, social status, etc.) exist, eye contact with somebody superior can be offending. In some parts of India, men and women do not keep eye contact with their in-laws, out of respect. In most cultures, a longer eye contact while interacting with the other gender may be read as a sign of intimacy and expression of interest.

Gender Differences in Eye Contact

Between men, prolonged eye contact may signal aggression or intent to dominate–especially so during acquaintance or if the men are not completely familiar with each other’s expectations. Although more contact is tolerable as a relationship grows, eye contact needs to be broken often.
Women tend to maintain better eye contact in conversations with other women–more so with friends and family than with strangers. Generally, women interpret eye contact as a sign of trust and compassion.
Prolonged eye contact, an intent-look in particular, between men and women may quickly be interpreted as a sign of intimate interest. In the absence of romantic interest, concentrated eye contact must be avoided.

Avoid Staring and Gazing into Somebody’s Eyes

Staring or gazing at other individuals is typically awkward, sometimes intimidating. Never overdo an eye contact. Break eye contact often.

Idea for Impact: Learn to Keep Eye Contact

People who keep good eye contact are usually seen as personable, self-assured and confident. In the context of cultural backgrounds of the people around you, consider what messages your eye contact and body language may be unconsciously communicating about you. A firm handshake and a smile at the onset of a meeting, and eye contact throughout your conversations can establish a good impression of you.

What to Do When You Forget a Person’s Name

May 6, 2008 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Remembering names is an important social skill—mastering this skill can offer a distinct advantage in your professional and personal lives. Previous blog articles discussed a 5R (Resolve, Review, Relate, Repeat, Record) technique to help remember names and a technique to remember names around tables in meetings.

Apologize and Ask

Despite your best efforts, on occasion you may not be able recollect the name of another person, even if you were introduced minutes earlier. In such cases, simply ask, “I am sorry, I forgot your name.” Do not elaborate or try to qualify. Alternately, ask for the person’s business card if appropriate

Another familiar situation is when you run into someone you know–you can remember several details of the person and your prior interactions,–but cannot recall the person’s name. This person may assume that you know his/her name and hence may not self-introduce. You may go through an entire conversation trying to call to mind this person’s name. Simply say, “Forgive me. I remember we met at last year’s sales conference. I can remember everything about you, but, I can’t recall your name. Could you please repeat it for me?”

Introduce a Third Person

Yet another technique is to introduce a third person. Say, at an office holiday party, you fail to remember the name of a colleague. Turn to your colleague and say, “I don’t think you have met my husband, Frank.” Frank and your colleague exchange greetings: “Hi, I am Frank. Nice to meet you.” Your colleague reveals her name: “Hi, I am Isabella David.”

At any rate, avoid embarrassing yourself by using an assumed or a wrong name. Apologize and ask the person to state or confirm his/names.

Remembering Names at a Meeting

February 9, 2008 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Ever wonder how a waiter/waitress serving an eight-seat table at a restaurant remembers each guest’s food orders? At many restaurants, the order-sheets contain a layout of the table and a letter or number associated with every seat. As each guest orders food, the waiter/waitress writes down the order along with the letter or number associated with that guest’s seat.

At Southwest Airlines, flight attendants go to every seat, ask customers for their choice of beverage, and record the passenger’s choice on a seat-map.

Remembering Names around a Table at a Meeting

Blogger Adam Gurno presents an extension of the two practices listed above for remembering names around a table at a meeting.

Draw a quick map of the table/layout of the meeting. Place yourself on it, to give yourself a reference point.

As people introduce themselves around the table, fill them in. If you feel last names are necessary add those too, but don’t do it at the expense of writing down someone else’s name. You can guess at the last names later. If you miss one, leave it blank and fill it in as soon as you can – if someone else refers to them, etc, etc.

If everyone introduces themselves, try and jot down as much information as possible. If you think that you will run across them later, include information that will help you recognize them down the road.

Refer back to the map during the meeting when you are going to need to speak. This way you will be prepared with a person’s name.

Positive impressions are invaluable. As we discussed in a previous blog article, remembering names is an important social skill—mastering this skill can offer a distinct advantage in networking and building relationships.

The Art of Remembering Names

December 11, 2007 By Nagesh Belludi 4 Comments

The Sweetest Sound in Any Language

Dale Carnegie’s classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” is one of the most popular books on people skills. Here is an excerpt of his discussions on the importance of remembering names.

… a person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it – and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.

… one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important – yet how many of us do it?

How Napoléon III Could Remember Names

Napoleon the Third, Emperor of France and nephew of the great Napoleon, boasted that in spite of all his royal duties he could remember the name of every person he met.

His technique? Simple. If he didn’t hear the name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it spelled?”

During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s features, expression and general appearance.

If the person was someone of importance, Napoleon went to even further pains. As soon as His Royal Highness was alone, he wrote the name down on a piece of paper, looked at it, concentrated on it, fixed it securely in his mind, and then tore up the paper. In this way, he gained an eye impression of the name as well as an ear impression.

The 5R Technique for Remembering Names

Here are five simple tips that can help you remember names. For an example, suppose that you attend an informal gathering of professionals from the financial industry; Renuka is one of the attendees.

Resolve to remember. Habitually, you fail to remember names because you do not make a conscious effort at it. When a person states his/her name, by reflex you reply with a “nice to meet you” while your mind is possibly busy judging the person’s appearance or processing some other information. Consequently, your short-term memory registers the person’s name briefly and discards it before long. Commit to pay attention to the person’s name and deposit it in your longer-term memory.
Review. Ask for a spelling of the person’s name. If required, ask the spelling of how the person’s name is pronounced. For instance, Renuka is pronounced Rae-nu-ka—the ‘e’ is pronounced ‘ae’ as in aerospace. Additionally, note that Renuka sounds like Rebecca.
Relate. Associate the person’s name with somebody you may previously know. Suppose that Renuka states she grew up in Hyderabad, India. Then, you recall that your former colleague, Pavan is from the same city too. You can say, “Renuka, my previous project manager, Pavan, is from Hyderabad too. He spoke often of the Museum of Clocks there. His wife had prepared ethnic food for me; it was hot and spicy.”
Repeat. During your conversations, state the person’s name as frequently as appropriate: “Renuka, what are your thoughts,” or,” that is an interesting observation, Renuka,” or, “thank you for your time, Renuka.”
Record. Following your conversation, step aside if possible and record the person’s name along with a few other details to help capture an impression of the person. For instance, record “Renuka. Sounds like Rebecca. Grew up in Hyderabad, India—same city as Pavan. Black-coloured Mercedes Benz Coupe. MBA in finance from Columbia University. Risk analyst at American Express.”

Concluding Thoughts

Dale Carnegie asserts, “A person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

Positive impressions are invaluable. Remembering names is an important social skill—mastering this skill can offer a distinct advantage in your business and personal lives. The secret to remembering names is to make an extra effort to review, relate, repeat and record the names and associations of people for easier recall.

Etiquette: Protocol of Introducing People

November 3, 2007 By Nagesh Belludi 38 Comments

The purpose of introducing people is to give them an opportunity to know each other. Beyond just stating names of the two parties, the person making the introduction is often obligated to establish an acquaintance and help the two parties initiate a conversation.

The Art of Making Introductions: Four Steps

The basic protocol of introductions calls for introducing the ‘lesser-ranking’ (socially, professionally, by age or seniority) to the ‘higher-ranking’ person. Here are four steps:

First, state the name of the person being introduced to. This is the ‘higher-ranking’ person.
Second, say “I would like to introduce” or, “please meet” or, “this is,” etc.
Third, state the name of the person being introduced. This is the ‘lower-ranking’ person.
Finally, offer some details about each, as appropriate. As I wrote in a previous article, add a snippet of information about a topic of common interest between the two parties. Do not elaborate. This will help them connect and pursue a conversation.

The foremost principle of etiquette for making introductions lies in understanding reverence and respect. Here are some guidelines.

Higher Ranking Person	Lower Ranking Person	Example: Introduce lower-ranking person to higher-ranking person
An older person	A younger person	“Grandma, this is my neighbour, John”
A senior professional	A junior professional	“Mrs. President, this is Mr. Analyst”
A customer	A team of employees	“Mr. Customer, this is my sales team”
A guest	A host	“Ms. New Yorker, this is my daughter, Sarah”
A guest from out-of-town	A local guest	“Mr. Australian, this is my neighbour Janet”
Peer from another company	Peer from your company	“Mr. IBMer, this is Ms. Edwards”

When introducing people of equal seniority or status, you may introduce either person to the other.

Making Introductions: A Few Examples

Introduce a younger person to an older person. “Grandma, please meet Alicia and Carlos, my neighbors.”
Introduce a relatively junior professional to a senior professional. “Ms. Director, I would like to introduce Mr. Nakamura, the Chief Product Architect for our software division.”
Introduce an employee to a customer. “Mr. Sung, I would like to introduce our plastics engineering team. This is Mark Smith, Jessica Ramos and Liang Zhu. All three participated in last week’s teleconference regarding product definition.”
Introduce a host to a guest. “Elaine, I don’t think you have met my daughter, Anna. Anna arranged for all the food at this festival party. Anna, Elaine is my Project Manager.”
Introduce a local guest to a guest from out-of-town. “Charlie, this is Debbie. Debbie is my colleague from work. Debbie, Charlie is visiting me from New York. We shared an apartment when we were at Columbia together.”
Introduce a peer from your company to a peer from another organization. “Melissa, I would like you to meet Steve, our Systems Engineer. Steve, Melissa Hoffmann is from Marketing. She is our Account Manager for Wal-Mart.”

Gender Distinction

Customarily, a number of people introduce a man to a woman out of respect, regardless of the guidelines presented above.

When introducing a man and a woman at work, consider their positions and seniorities alone. Outside of work, it may be more appropriate to introduce a man to a woman, in contradiction to the above guidelines. Be judicious and sensitive.

Concluding Thoughts

Many people have difficulty introducing people to one another and helping initiate a conversation. With some practice and a sense of social and/or professional ranking, you too can master the art of introduction.

Mentoring: The Best Advice You Can Offer

October 9, 2007 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

A newer employee recently approached you for advice on a particularly thorny personal problem she was facing at work. She had an idea for tackling her problem. You had discouraged her idea citing a couple of reasons and offered your own idea as the best solution to her problem. “Advice from years of experience,” you had added. She had nodded her head in agreement.

A couple of weeks later, you discover that she had disregarded your advice and pursued her original idea. You are now annoyed at her and grumble: “Such a waste of my time! Why do people come to me for advice when they don’t intend to pay attention to my ideas? Nobody seems to respect words of wisdom anymore.”

Does the above experience sound familiar? Aren’t we often all-too-eager to offer others advice?

In the above narrative, the newer employee may not have wanted to take the suggested approach—she followed her own idea to manage her problem. Herein is one fundamental reality about offering advice: people rarely listen to others’ advice if they see a contradiction in their advice. In other words, the best advice you can offer others is the advice that they come up with themselves.

Mary Kay Ash on the Art of Listening

Mary Kay Ash, American entrepreneur and founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics discusses the art of listening in her book ‘People Management.’

Some of the most successful people-managers are also the best listeners.

[One manager] had been hired by a large corporation to assume the role of sales manager. But he knew absolutely nothing about the specifics of the business. When salespeople would go to him for answers, there wasn’t anything he could tell them–because he didn’t know anything! Nonetheless, this man really knew how to listen. So no matter what they would ask him, he’d answer, “What do you think you ought to do?” They’d come up with a solution; he’d agree; and they’d leave satisfied. They thought he was fantastic. He taught me this valuable listening technique, and I have been applying it ever since.

Many of the problems I hear don’t require me to offer solutions. I solve most of them by just listening and letting the grieving party do the talking. If I listen long enough, the person will generally come up with an adequate solution.

Call for Action

When a person approaches you for advice, he/she may have some faint idea to tackle the problem at hand.

Or, the person has already developed an idea. He/she would like you to serve as a ‘sounding-board’ for the idea–to reinforce the idea and confirm that this approach is appropriate.

After listening attentively to the person’s thoughts, ask “What do you think you ought to do?” Skilfully, lead the thought-process and encourage him/her to develop the solution. With this buy-in, the person will more likely follow your—really, his/her own—advice.

Personal Spaces for Social Interaction

April 3, 2007 By Nagesh Belludi 1 Comment

Personal Spaces for Social Interaction

We regard the physical space around our bodies as personal territories. Subconsciously, we consider ourselves the center of a series of invisible bubbles—each bubble representing a comfort zone. American anthropologist Edward Hall defined four personal spaces in his classic book ‘The Hidden Dimension‘ (1966.)

Intimate space for interacting with significant people and for hand-shaking, whispering, etc. with friends and acquaintances—touch to 1.5 feet away
Casual space for interacting with close friends—1.5 feet to 4 feet away
Social space for interacting with acquaintances—4 feet to 12 feet away
Public space for interacting with relatively anonymous people—further than 12 feet away

Personal Spaces Represent Comfort Zones

Personal Spaces Represent Comfort Zones The distances associated with the comfort zones above depend on one’s cultural upbringing. During an interaction, the nature of the interpersonal relationships and/or the context of interaction may affect comfort zones too. Consequently,

Personal spaces are larger for two strangers in a conversation.
Women tend to have smaller personal spaces when interacting with other women.
Westerners tend to require larger personal spaces. People from India, China and other Asian cultures are used to crowded cities, packed public busses, and such—hence, they are more comfortable standing close to other people.
Two individuals in an argument expect each other to be as far as possible. If one of them moves closer, the other person may interpret this move as a sign of aggression.

Significance of Personal Spaces

The significance of this concept of personal space is obvious: we feel uncomfortable if a person enters a space that we do not desire him/her to be in.

During hand-shaking, do not get too close to the other person. Being within the other person’s arm-length ensures you are within his/her personal zone, and out of the intimate zone.
Stay within the friendly zone if you want a casual conversation with a celebrity.
When talking to or walking with somebody else, if the other person backs away a little, it is likely that you are encroaching his/her comfort zone. Be mindful of the other person’s requirements—do not try to close the gap.

Unlock the Power of Communication: Start with the End in Mind!

February 12, 2007 By Nagesh Belludi 1 Comment

How can you ensure your message hits the mark when you’re about to deliver a speech, prepare a presentation, write a report, draft a résumé, or compose an email? The secret lies in a simple yet powerful technique: beginning at the end.

Instead of diving straight into the content, take a moment to step into the shoes of your recipients or audience. Shift your perspective and view your communication from the outside in. To kickstart this process, ask yourself a series of intriguing questions about the outcome you desire. Don’t hold back—jot down every potential outcome that comes to mind without filtering or limiting your creativity.

Let’s say you’re gearing up for a captivating speech. Picture yourself standing before your audience and delve into their minds. Who are they? What burning questions do they have? What nuggets of knowledge or insights will truly resonate with them? Envision the impact you want to make. What do you hope your listeners will take away from your speech? What action do you want them to take after hearing your words?

Once you’ve gathered a rich array of intended outcomes, it’s time to prioritize and distill the essence of your message. Zero in on the core conclusions you wish to convey to your audience. This is where the magic happens. Now, take a step back and embark on a journey backward. Begin assembling your ideas, anecdotes, and compelling statistics that bolster your conclusions. Weave them into a seamless tapestry of thoughts that guide your audience to those pivotal “aha” moments.

By starting with the end in mind, you gain a distinct advantage—a great perspective that empowers you to shape the direction of your thoughts as you prepare your communication. This approach allows you to discard ideas that don’t align with your desired messages, enabling you to deliver a focused and impactful presentation.

Idea for Impact: communication is an art that revolves around your audience. When you begin at the end, you effectively zero in on the messages you want to convey to your listeners or readers. It’s like fine-tuning a symphony, ensuring every note strikes a chord in their hearts and minds.

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Etiquette

More on Etiquette and Clothing

Wondering what to read next?

Wondering what to read next?

Eyes are the Mirror of the Soul

President John F. Kennedy’s Technique for Eye Contact

Trick: Make a Mental Note of Their Eye Color

Keeping Eye Contact in Conversations

Individual Differences

Cultural Differences

Gender Differences in Eye Contact

Avoid Staring and Gazing into Somebody’s Eyes

Idea for Impact: Learn to Keep Eye Contact

Wondering what to read next?

Apologize and Ask

Introduce a Third Person

Wondering what to read next?

Wondering what to read next?

The Sweetest Sound in Any Language

How Napoléon III Could Remember Names

The 5R Technique for Remembering Names

Concluding Thoughts

Wondering what to read next?

The Art of Making Introductions: Four Steps

Making Introductions: A Few Examples

Gender Distinction

Concluding Thoughts

Wondering what to read next?

Mary Kay Ash on the Art of Listening

Call for Action

Wondering what to read next?

Personal Spaces Represent Comfort Zones

Significance of Personal Spaces

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Wondering what to read next?