Right Attitudes

Ideas for Impact

Emotions

The Buddha Teaches: How to Empower Yourself in the Face of Criticism

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The Buddha Teaches: How to Empower Yourself in the Face of Criticism Within the Theravada Buddhist tradition’s Pali Canon, the Akkosa Sutta teaches the importance of non-reactivity in the face of insults and harsh words. It emphasizes that when someone insults you, you should remain calm and composed, like a mirror that reflects an image without being affected by it.

Akkosa Sutta: Anger Quelled with Patience and Compassion

Siddhartha Gautama, the historical Buddha, achieved widespread renown during his 45-year teaching mission following his enlightenment. His teachings resonated with many, leading to the formation of the monastic Sangha.

The Buddha’s reputation as an unprovokable and serene spiritual teacher quickly spread across the regions he visited.

A man journeyed hundreds of miles with the intent of testing the Buddha’s renowned composure. Upon reaching the Buddha, the man wasted no time in subjecting him to a barrage of criticism, insults, challenges, and deliberate attempts to provoke a reaction.

Remarkably, the Buddha remained unruffled. Instead, he calmly inquired, “May I ask you a question?”

“Of course,” the man responded.

With gentle wisdom, the Buddha asked, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?”

The man pondered and replied, “It belongs to the person who offered it.”

A serene smile graced the Buddha’s face as he said, “That is correct. So if I decline to accept your abuse, does it not then still belong to you?”

In the wake of a thoughtful pause, the man chose to walk away.

Managing External Perceptions with Grace

The Akkosa Sutta emphasizes a fundamental Buddhist principle: Non-Attachment. When confronted with criticism, it’s crucial to distance yourself from the need to defend your self-image or validate your worth. By not allowing the negative words of others to provoke an emotional reaction, you promote inner peace and detachment from external negativity.

When accusations trigger that defensive knot in your stomach, pause and engage in self-reflection. In such moments, there are only two possibilities: either the accusations are valid or false. If they hold truth, anger serves no purpose; it’s wiser to acknowledge the valid points, learn from the experience, and advance in life.

Conversely, if they are false, once again, anger is unnecessary. In this scenario, the responsibility for their emotions lies with the person who made the mistake. While you can’t control the actions of others, you have the power to manage your own reactions.

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The Dance of Time, The Art of Presence

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'Being Nobody, Going Nowhere' by Ayya Khema (ISBN 086171198X) Within life’s rich tapestry, we often find ourselves caught between two elusive realms—the past and the future. As the celebrated German Buddhist nun Ayya Khema eloquently reminds us in her thought-provoking invitation to embark on a journey of mindfulness, Being Nobody, Going Nowhere: Meditations on the Buddhist Path (1987,) our path is a quest for the present moment.

One of our human absurdities is the fact that we’re constantly thinking about either the future or the past. Those who are young think of the future because they’ve got more of it. Those who are older think more about the past because, for them, there is more of it. But in order to experience life, we have to live each moment. Life has not been happening in the past. That’s memory. Life is not going to happen in the future. That’s planning. The only time we can live is now, this moment, and absurd as it may seem, we’ve got to learn that. As human beings with life spans of sixty, seventy, or eighty years, we have to learn to actually experience living in the present. When we have learned that, we will have eliminated a great many of our problems.

Life is a fleeting current, and it manifests not in the echoes of yesteryears, nor in the dreams of morrows yet to come.

The essence of life, the only fragment of existence we can lay claim to, resides in this very moment—the now.

Let’s embrace this moment fully. Let’s resolve to breathe, to cherish, and to be truly present, for each moment is a precious gem, unique and irreplaceable, for once it slips into the past, it becomes but a memory.

Live each moment.

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Hate is Self-Defeating

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Hatred and anger are emotions that are ultimately futile and self-defeating. The Buddha taught that negative and destructive emotions toward others only harm the person who holds them. He said, “In this world, hate never dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and inexhaustible. You too shall pass away. Knowing this, how can you quarrel?”

Hate may seem successful when it binds perpetrators and victims in a cycle of mutual retaliation and destruction, but this is only a fleeting success. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. taught that hate often leads to more hate. He said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness.”

Idea for Impact: Choosing love over hate is the only way to defeat hate. You can deny hate even this fleeting success by modeling love in your speech, attitude, and actions. Look past people’s shortcomings and choose to accept, tolerate, forgive, and love. This is the wiser choice.

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How to … Overcome Your Limiting Beliefs

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Your beliefs, rather than your perceived lack of ability, could be the most significant hindrance between your life and the life you want to live. Sadly, self-talk is endless; the more you engage the negative narratives running through your head, the more you’ll abide by them.

Whenever you’re plagued by self-limiting beliefs, gather evidence against them, reframe them, and oppugn them. Scour your brain for real-life examples that debunk the limiting beliefs. For instance, if addressing the self-limiting belief “I am not qualified,” think of as many happenings as possible that you earlier thought you weren’t qualified for—but went on to achieve anyway. These could include being offered a dream job, passing an exam you feared was above your level or showing up when you didn’t think you could.

Idea for Impact: Over time, make a concerted effort to challenge deep-rooted core beliefs by testing them to see if they’re valid. You’ll develop the mental resilience needed to crush the self-limiting beliefs that deter you from reaching your potential.

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The Surprising Power of Low Expectations: The Secret Weapon to Happiness?

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Stephen Hawking once said, “My expectations were reduced to zero when I was 21. Everything since then has been a bonus.”

Happiness depends not on how well things are going but on whether things are going better or worse than expected.

As the Buddhists propose, lowering your expectations—at least right-sizing them—raises your joy. But be careful not to lower them so much that you become apathetic and lack enthusiasm. Find a happy balance between satisfaction and aspiration.

Idea for Impact: You needn’t always do more, be more, aspire for bigger and better, rush, hustle, and accelerate, as the world will tell you. If all you really want is a simple, pleasant, gentle life, why can’t that be enough?

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External Blame is the Best Defense of the Insecure

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In the realm of excuses, accountability tends to retreat while blame takes center stage. You find yourself playing the “blame game,” swiftly shifting responsibility onto external factors to protect your ego.

When faced with challenges, it’s natural to become defensive and deflect responsibility onto your boss, a vendor, the weather, working conditions, a partner, economic downturns, or anything but yourself. However, this negative energy worsens the situation and weakens your self-perception.

Beneath the surface, though, lies a truth: externalizing blame always hinders real growth and progress. So, the next time you catch yourself falling into the trap of feeling like a prisoner of circumstances, making excuses, or pointing fingers at others, take a moment to pause and ask yourself, “What could I have done to prevent this problem?” and “What lessons can we derive from this situation?”

Idea for Impact: Assuming responsibility is a testament to your strength. It displays courage, even if it may not feel that way. Only the resilient can truly accept blame. When we externalize blame, we give up control and surrender our power to heal and improve ourselves. On the other hand, embracing accountability has numerous benefits: it strengthens relationships, enhances credibility, fosters happiness within yourself and others, promotes transparency, boosts self-esteem, facilitates learning, and ultimately helps resolve problems. Choose accountability over blame and pave the way for personal growth and success.

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Book Summary of Erich Fromm’s ‘The Art of Loving’

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Erich Fromm‘s The Art of Loving (1956) is a philosophical and psychological exploration of the nature of love. It begins by questioning whether love is an art that requires knowledge and effort or merely a pleasant sensation that one “falls into” if lucky. Fromm argued that most people believe the latter, while he subscribed to the former. As an art, love necessitates practice and a certain degree of maturity to succeed at it.

Fromm posits that people misunderstand love for several reasons. First, they tend to focus not on loving but on being loved—striving to improve their desirability by becoming more affluent, famous, or attractive instead of learning to love. Second, they think of love as finding an object to love rather than a faculty to cultivate. They believe that loving is simple, but finding someone to love is challenging, whereas, in reality, the opposite is true. Lastly, Fromm points out that people often confuse “falling” with “standing” in love, which involves care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge.

'The Art of Loving' by Erich Fromm (ISBN 0826412602) The initial rush of emotions when two previously isolated people suddenly discover each other may be exciting, but these feelings are fleeting. True love involves “standing” in love, a skill that takes years of hard work to develop, just like any other art or skill. Fromm argues that love is not something we stumble upon but must actively learn and cultivate over time.

In the end, Fromm emphasizes that despite the difficulties in learning and practicing love, it is a most valuable pursuit, surpassing material possessions like money, fame, or power. The mystery of existence can only be uncovered through our relationships with nature, purpose and meaning (through fruitful work,) and, most crucially, with other people. Hence, to fully experience the richness of life, it is necessary to cultivate the art of loving in all its forms.

Read The Art of Loving. It’ll deepen your appreciation for the complexities of love and human connections.

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How Thought-Stopping Can Help You Overcome Negative Thinking and Get Unstuck

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To avoid getting trapped in negative thoughts such as “No one will hire me,” “I’m so angry,” or “I’m an imposter,” thought stopping can be a lifesaver. This technique is particularly effective in preventing your mind from fixating on distressing situations. The more frustrated and irate you get, the more likely you are to avoid thinking about it. But then you end up blaming yourself for remaining stuck.

When you catch yourself indulging in unproductive thoughts, immediately shout “STOP!” and shift your focus to a productive task. You can take a small step toward your goal by reading an article, watching a video, or reaching out to a trusted friend for suggestions on how to enhance your situation.

It’s also vital to assess if the negative thought is justified or if there’s anything you can do to improve the situation.

While it’s true that thought-stopping alone may not be adequate to address all causes of being stuck, it can still be a potent tool to help you identify negative thoughts that play repeatedly in your mind. Once you become aware of these thoughts, you can break free from the cycle of negativity and move forward positively by taking small steps to get unstuck.

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How to … Change Your Life When Nothing Seems to be Going Your Way

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Recollect what it means to be human: we go through ups, downs, shortcomings, triumphs, losses, confidence, and apprehensions are all just a part of life. While unpleasant, failure is also a common and essential element of life. Bearing failure with equanimity is more likely to help you find success and get what you want.

Next, think about something that’s challenged you in the past and consider how you’re better off for having been through that experience. When you acknowledge you’ve overcome setbacks before, you can recognize that you can—and will—weather this one, too.

Ponder about whatever challenges you presently and see if you can reframe it. Try to perceive it as an opportunity for growth and consider what gifts could come from this experience. Visualizing successful outcomes is the best way to reset or repurpose your goals.

Idea for Impact: Developing resiliency isn’t easy, but excessive rumination and dwelling on past failures for longer than necessary will keep you stuck. When things aren’t going your way, challenge yourself to find any upsides, no matter how small. Find the good in the less-than-ideal. You’re more likely to get unstuck by trying a low-risk baby step forward.

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The Problem with Positive Thinking

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When positive thinking is seeing bad situations in a favorable light, you can look for the good and make the best of life’s terrible blows. That’s OK.

The problem with positive thinking is the implication that if things don’t go right, you’ve failed yourself. That you’ve not believed in yourself enough. That you should blame yourself because there’s nowhere else to go.

Positive thinking so isn’t a temperament that works when things aren’t going well—that’s the real test as to whether a mindset holds up.

What you need is an attitude that radically embraces reality. It allows you to face the possibilities of negative encounters and not shun away from them. It lets you honestly appraise your circumstances.

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