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The More Facebook Friends You Have, The More Stressed You’ll Be

February 23, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Seems to me that everyone’s getting sick of having to think twice about how anything—everything—they say can upset their followers on social media. We live in an oversensitive and censorious culture. The more friends you have on Facebook, the more likely something you say or do on the site will offend one of your “friends.”

The displeased’s hostility, the outflow of anger, and their petty drama won’t stop until they’ve forced their narrow-minded ideologies upon you. Even unintended slip-ups—even those from years ago—abruptly become grave and irreparable. One episode could affect your whole life. You’ll be called out; you’ll be canceled. Your employer may find that the simplest way to steer clear of the controversy is to fire you and destroy your career.

Idea for Impact: Don’t be oblivious about current events, but be aware of what and how you weigh in on cultural, social, or political issues on social media or in other unsuitable fora.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Keep Politics and Religion Out of the Office
  2. The Sensitivity of Politics in Today’s Contentious Climate
  3. Could Limiting Social Media Reduce Your Anxiety About Work?
  4. Witty Comebacks and Smart Responses for Nosy People
  5. Entitlement and Anger Go Together

Filed Under: Effective Communication, Managing People Tagged With: Conflict, Conversations, Getting Along, Networking, Politics, Social Dynamics

Never Make a Big Decision Without Doing This First

February 9, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

In 1943, General Motors (GM) brought in Peter Drucker to conduct a two-year social-scientific examination of what was then the world’s largest corporation. Drucker conducted many interviews with GM’s corporate leaders, divisional managers, department chiefs, and line workers. He analyzed decision-making and production processes. The resultant landmark study, Concept of the Corporation (1946,) laid the foundations of scientific management as a formal discipline.

One anecdote that Drucker liked to share from his GM research involved how his client, GM supremo Alfred P. Sloan, Jr., generally encouraged disagreements:

During a meeting in which GM’s top management team was considering a weighty decision, Sloan closed the meeting by asking, “Gentlemen, I take it we are all in complete agreement on the decision here?”

Sloan then waited as each member of the assembled committee nodded in agreement.

Sloan continued, “Then, I propose we postpone further discussion of this matter until our next meeting to give ourselves time to develop disagreement and perhaps gain some understanding of what this decision is about.”

Concrete Disagreement Stimulates Thought

Strong leaders encourage their team members to challenge them and question consensus. Leaders so counter the tendency toward synthetic harmony that emanates from group thinking and the risk of unchallenged leadership.

A team member with a difference of opinion or contrary position that’s well rooted in rationale is not to be reprimanded. He may have judgments worth listening to or recommendations worth heeding. Every team needs at least one to keep the team from falling into complacency. A team’s culture shouldn’t shun discouragement and conflict.. Look out, though, for team members who merely pay lip service to allow for the counterargument.

There are three reasons why dissent is needed. It first safeguards the decision maker against becoming the prisoner of the organization. Everybody is special pleader, trying—often in perfectly good faith—to obtain the decision he favors. Second, disagreement alone can provide alternatives to decision. And decision without an alternative is desperate gamblers’ throw, no matter how carefully thought through it might be. Above all, disagreement is needed to stimulate the imagination.

The Best Leaders Encourage Disagreements

Dissent and disagreement are critical to combat confirmation bias—the human tendency to readily seek and accept ostensible facts that match our existing worldview rather than objectively considering alternative viewpoints and unintended consequences.

'Management Tasks, Responsibilities, Practices' by Peter F. Drucker (ISBN 0887306152) What’s worse, leaders tend to surround themselves with like-minded individuals—people they trust and people who think alike. Drucker later wrote in his wide-ranging treatise on Management: Tasks, Responsibilities, Practices (1974,)

Sloan always emphasized the need to test opinions against facts and the need to make absolutely sure that one did not start out with the conclusion and then look for the facts that would support it. But he knew that the right decision demands adequate disagreement.

An effective decision-maker organizes dissent. This protects him against being taken in by the plausible but false or incomplete. It gives him the alternatives so that he can choose and make a decision, but also ensures that he is not lost in the fog when his decision proves deficient or wrong in execution. And it forces the imagination—his own and that of his associates. Dissent converts the plausible into the right and the right into the good decision.

Idea for Impact: The more you encourage healthy debate within your team, the better off you’ll be

The first rule in decision-making should be that you don’t make any decision unless you’ve sought out and contemplated the counterevidence. Consider the other side of any idea as carefully as your own.

Wise leaders proactively seek the truth they don’t want to find. Encourage authentic dissenting opinions to generate more—and better—solutions to problems.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Consensus is Dangerous
  2. To Know Is to Contradict: The Power of Nuanced Thinking
  3. Couldn’t We Use a Little More Civility and Respect in Our Conversations?
  4. Confirm Key Decisions in Writing
  5. The High Cost of Too Much Job Rotation: A Case Study in Ford’s Failure in Teamwork and Vision

Filed Under: Managing People, Mental Models, Sharpening Your Skills, The Great Innovators Tagged With: Conflict, Conversations, Critical Thinking, Leadership Lessons, Social Dynamics, Teams

Why Your Partner May Be Lying

January 30, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Honesty builds trust and intimacy. When one partner conceals information or has secrets, it erodes a trusting relationship.

One non-obvious reason people lie to their partners is that they don’t feel safe telling the truth. Their head goes into a defensive mode, thinking merely about the short-term benefits. They fear rejection or disapproval. If such are the consequences of telling the truth, they believe it’s expedient to sidestep it, especially if they expect they’re unlikely to be caught.

If you reckon your partner is lying, first seek to figure out the reason behind the lie. Reflect on the last time your partner lied to you. How would you have responded if they’d spoken the truth? Would you have reacted with anger—even yelling or starting a fight?

When your partner lies, focus first on the one aspect you have total control over: your reactions. Have a “trust chat” with your partner. With no suggestion of judgment or shaming them, reveal your concerns and talk to them about honesty, trust, and secrecy.

Nudge your partner to be more candid with you. Let your partner know you’d always prefer to know the truth, regardless of the situation. Then, when your partner speaks the truth, thank them for being forthright and telling you the truth, even when they know that the revelation may leave you disappointed or angry.

Idea for Impact: Negative reactions like criticism, contempt, sarcasm, or aggression can make your partner more likely to hide the truth, causing a relationship to embitter even further.

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  2. How to Mediate in a Dispute
  3. A Short Course on: How to Find the Right Relationship
  4. The Likeability Factor: Whose “Do Not Pair” List Includes You?
  5. Managerial Lessons from the Show Business: Summary of Leadership from the Director’s Chair

Filed Under: Managing People Tagged With: Conflict, Conversations, Getting Along, Negotiation, Persuasion, Relationships

How to … Communicate Better with Defensive People

January 27, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Any time you want to question something a person did or didn’t, phrase your question in terms of “how” or “what.”

Don’t ask “why,” especially when working with individuals who tend to be a bit defensive.

I’ve noticed that a “why” often pushes them over the edge—they feel threatened, or they feel their abilities are being brought into question. Defensiveness is usually a means of avoiding accountability and getting the other person to back off.

The “tell me more” invites them to engage in a conversation.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. The Sensitivity of Politics in Today’s Contentious Climate
  2. Witty Comebacks and Smart Responses for Nosy People
  3. Don’t Abruptly Walk Away from an Emotionally Charged Conflict
  4. Think Twice Before You Launch That Truth Bomb
  5. What Jeeves Teaches About Passive Voice as a Tool of Tact

Filed Under: Effective Communication, Managing People Tagged With: Anger, Conflict, Conversations, Etiquette, Getting Along, Social Skills

How to … Pop the Filter Bubble

January 23, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

You’re inclined to be drawn toward those who are similar and wary of those who differ. Similarity bias propels you to unwittingly filter out ideas and opinions that diverge from your own.

Expand your view by actively seeking opposing views. Break your routines. Fraternize with considerate, ‘unlike’-minded people. Remain open to alternative interpretations. Ask big “what if” questions and frame things with an exploratory conjecture: ‘what if we did it this way?,’ ‘do we understand the problem?’ or ‘why doesn’t this work better?’

Putting yourself in a learning and questioning mindset will inspire, stimulate, and challenge you to step out of what you know. Decision-making and creativity will soar.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Surrounded by Yes
  2. How to Stimulate Group Creativity // Book Summary of Edward de Bono’s ‘Six Thinking Hats’
  3. Group Polarization: Like-Mindedness is Dangerous, Especially with Social Media
  4. Consensus is Dangerous
  5. Presenting Facts Can Sometimes Backfire

Filed Under: Mental Models, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Conversations, Conviction, Creativity, Critical Thinking, Social Dynamics

Gab May Not Be a Gift at All

January 9, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Ever met a Garrulous Gary who prattles on long after you’ve spaced out? A Chatty Charlie who blabbers on especially to show how much you know? Or a Curious Corinne who asks too many questions too quickly that you feel interrogated?

Whether in a job interview, a business meeting, or with a romantic partner, being long-winded is a sure turn-off. You’re risking being thought of as self-absorbed and conversationally clueless.

The easiest way to avoid being an over-talker is to speak for no more than one minute without stopping or asking a question. Avoid going off on a new tangent.

Constantly “read the room” to see if people are still interested. If the listener wants to hear more or pursue the conversation further, she can ask. Back off if you sense that questions or more details aren’t welcome. Silence isn’t a bad thing.

If someone appears distant or lost in thought, don’t just move into their personal space and try to break the ice with a “hey.” If necessary, ask for permission, “Hi. Is it okay if I talk to you?” Don’t start talking unless you sense that you’ve created a comfortable opportunity for the other person to respond.

Idea for Impact: Focus on what Mark Twain called “Minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.” Perhaps wise sound bites and deeper, more meaningful conversations are what constitute a true gift to gab?

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Witty Comebacks and Smart Responses for Nosy People
  2. Buy Yourself Time
  3. How to … Deal with Feelings of Social Awkwardness
  4. What Jeeves Teaches About Passive Voice as a Tool of Tact
  5. Here’s How to Improve Your Conversational Skills

Filed Under: Effective Communication, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Assertiveness, Conversations, Etiquette, Likeability, Networking, Social Skills

Is It Worth It to Quit Social Media?

December 19, 2022 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Yet another study on the benefits of deactivating Facebook:

  • Quitting Facebook could free up 60 minutes per day.
  • “Deactivating Facebook caused small but significant improvements in subjective well-being, and in particular in self-reported happiness, life satisfaction, depression, and anxiety.”
  • “As the [time-away-from-Facebook] experiment ended, participants reported planning to use Facebook much less in the future.”
  • “Deactivation significantly reduced polarization of views on policy issues and a measure of exposure to polarizing news.”

I’ve written previously about the ills of social media: they’re time-sucks at work and home, they undermine flesh-and-blood social bonding, they influence your thinking through gate-keeping the newsfeeds you’re exposed to, and they unduly sway your buying decisions through advertisements. Mindlessly scrolling through the airbrushed pictures of others’ lives could remind you of the life you don’t have—potentially instigating feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and self-loathing.

Social media have become a necessity that people have become reluctant to do without. Facebook’s spectacular growth is testimony to the fact that social media offer a core human need that was always wanted. For the moment, we’ll have to rely on individual choices to use social media sparingly and intelligently. Balance is everything—not all or none.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Could Limiting Social Media Reduce Your Anxiety About Work?
  2. Group Polarization: Like-Mindedness is Dangerous, Especially with Social Media
  3. Buy Yourself Time
  4. Entitlement and Anger Go Together
  5. Surrounded by Yes

Filed Under: Managing People, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Attitudes, Conversations, Networking, Persuasion, Social Dynamics, Social Media, Time Management, Worry

No Need to Send a Thank-you Card for a Thank-you Card

November 24, 2022 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

As a rule of thumb, feel free to send a thank-you note whenever the impulse strikes you. But a thank-you card (or a thank-you gift) sent to you is already a token of appreciation, so putting in yet more effort into thanking somebody for thanking you is purposeless, irritating even. It’s kind of morally superfluous.

Now, failing to acknowledge a thank-you note is a universal annoyance. By all means, you can text them, “Got your note. I’m glad you had a good time,” or inform them the next time you run into them in the hallway. However, no need to perpetuate a recursion of thank-you notes.

Wondering what to read next?

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  2. Stop Trying to Fix Things, Just Listen!
  3. Party Farewell Done Right
  4. How to … Gracefully Exit a Conversation at a Party
  5. Don’t Be Interesting—Be Interested!

Filed Under: Effective Communication Tagged With: Conversations, Etiquette, Gratitude, Social Life, Social Skills

How to … Avoid Family Fights About Politics Over the Holidays

November 21, 2022 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

The simplest and most pleasant thing to do is just to agree not to talk politics. There’s no need to stoke the flames, especially if you know these conversations are likely to teeter on the edge of discomfort and may end up hurting people’s feelings. In today’s particularly charged political climate, even trivial differences in opinion have the potential to turn into a nasty fight. If members of your family can’t deliberate charged topics without losing calm, then stay out of debates. Talk to the key players—the strong personalities—beforehand and request them to tone it down for the evening. Have conversation starters and activities at the ready.

Don’t expect to change minds. Sure, they’re your blood, and you love them, but it ain’t your responsibility to make them understand how wrong they are. Political judgments are value-based, and these values are very hard to change. People have contempt for ideas that they disagree with, and, when presented with information that goes against their beliefs, some people not only snub their challengers but also double down on their original viewpoints (“the backfire effect.”)

Idea for Impact: Bringing together family and friends with different political views can make holiday gatherings painful. Just be realistic about getting past opposing viewpoints and keeping the peace this holiday season.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. The Sensitivity of Politics in Today’s Contentious Climate
  2. Witty Comebacks and Smart Responses for Nosy People
  3. How to … Address Over-Apologizing
  4. Stop Getting Caught in Other People’s Drama
  5. What Jeeves Teaches About Passive Voice as a Tool of Tact

Filed Under: Effective Communication, Managing People Tagged With: Conflict, Conversations, Etiquette, Getting Along, Persuasion, Social Life

Making the Nuances Count in Decisions

September 19, 2022 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Holding your tongue and withholding a definite opinion is often more prudent than being rapid-fire because the topic at hand may compel a bit of nuance.

These frazzled and frenzied times are the antitheses of active inquiry. No one pays attention. Not anymore. The open-ended conversation quickly devolves into spewing ill-considered opinions. Active inquiry and thoughtful dialog lose out.

No need to shoot your mouth off in response to negative emotional triggers. It’s okay to be ambivalent about some things. It’s good to be skeptical about what you think you know. That’s where the nuance begins.

Idea for Impact: Reality is often more nuanced than you may realize at the moment. Take the time to consume information more deliberately, allowing shades of meaning. Seek first to understand.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. The Sensitivity of Politics in Today’s Contentious Climate
  2. What Jeeves Teaches About Passive Voice as a Tool of Tact
  3. The #1 Learning from Sun Tzu’s Art of War: Avoid Battle
  4. Don’t Abruptly Walk Away from an Emotionally Charged Conflict
  5. Thanks, But No Thanks: Well-Intentioned Reminders Can Resurface Old Wounds

Filed Under: Effective Communication, Managing People, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Assertiveness, Conflict, Conversations, Critical Thinking, Getting Along, Persuasion, Social Skills

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About: Nagesh Belludi [hire] is a St. Petersburg, Florida-based freethinker, investor, and leadership coach. He specializes in helping executives and companies ensure that the overall quality of their decision-making benefits isn’t compromised by a lack of a big-picture understanding.

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