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How to Argue like the Wright Brothers

February 15, 2012 By Nagesh Belludi 2 Comments

The Wright brothers, most notable for inventing powered flight, also enjoyed developing their critical thinking by fiercely debating with each other.

Wilbur and Orville found debating and challenging each other’s viewpoints was a constructive way to identify solutions to a myriad of problems or resolve their interpersonal conflicts.

The Wright brothers often took two different sides of an argument, debated the subject, then switched sides and debated the opposing argument. Orville Wright once narrated, “Often, after an hour or so of heated argument, we would discover that we were as far from agreement as when we started, but that each had changed to the other’s original position.”

Idea for Impact: Only when you contrast your point of view with an opponent’s does your own make sense. Use the Wright Brothers’ technique of double-sided debate to question your own preconceptions about an issue and appreciate alternative perspectives.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. To Make an Effective Argument, Explain Your Opponent’s Perspective
  2. How to Gain Empathic Insight during a Conflict
  3. Rapoport’s Rules to Criticize Someone Constructively
  4. Presenting Facts Can Sometimes Backfire
  5. Don’t Ignore the Counterevidence

Filed Under: Effective Communication, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Conflict, Conversations, Critical Thinking, Getting Along, Persuasion, Thinking Tools, Thought Process

The Puppy Theory: Giving Feedback Too Late

October 28, 2009 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

A common mistake we make in giving feedback to others is that we tend to defer corrective (negative) feedback. We put off criticism until the problem escalates or, as managers, wait until the employee’s performance review discussions. This predisposition is often rooted in the fear that negative feedback will offend the other and thus affect our rapport with the other.

Yahoo! CEO Carol Bartz offers a ‘puppy theory’ on timing feedback:

I have the puppy theory. When the puppy pees on the carpet, you say something right then because you don’t say six months later, “Remember that day, January 12th, when you peed on the carpet?” That doesn’t make any sense. “This is what’s on my mind. This is quick feedback.”

Immediate Feedback is Most Useful

I have previously discussed that effective feedback has three aspects: (1) initiate a personal conversation and make sure the other is ready to hear it, (2) explain his behavior, and, (3) help him understand the consequences of his behavior.

Do not neglect or defer feedback. Address problems while they are small. Immediate feedback ensures that the other accepts your feedback, understands his behavior and attempts to correct.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. The Difference between Directive and Non-Directive Coaching
  2. Nothing Like a Word of Encouragement to Provide a Lift
  3. Should Staff Be Allowed to Do ‘Life Admin’ at Work?
  4. How to Address Employees with Inappropriate Clothing
  5. Never Criticize Little, Trivial Faults

Filed Under: Managing People, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Conversations, Feedback

To Make an Effective Argument, Explain Your Opponent’s Perspective

December 12, 2008 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

“The man who can hold forth on every matter under debate in two contradictory ways of pleading, or can argue for and against every proposition that can be laid down – such a man is the true, the complete, and the only orator.”
– Cicero

“If you can’t imagine how anyone could hold the view you are attacking, you just don’t understand it yet.”
– Anthony Weston, ‘Rulebook for Arguments’

Explaining the Other Side of the Argument

Entrepreneur and blogger Ben Casnocha presents an effective discussion / debating / interviewing technique:

Here is one of the simplest ways to test someone’s knowledge of an issue: ask them to explain the other side of the argument. Ask the person who’s in favor of spending more money on marketing project X to explain the thinking process behind those who oppose the budgetary move.

I have yet to find a more efficient and reliable way to probe the depths of a person’s knowledge and seriousness about an issue than asking them to explain the other side’s perspective.

How can you effectively argue for your side if you don’t understand the arguments of the other?

Never Limit Your Ability to Learn From Opposite Perspectives

Never Limit Your Ability to Learn From Opposite Perspectives Habitually, we discard contrasting opinions without making an effort to explore their significance. We shape our attitudes and seek facts to support our own beliefs without contemplating the merits of opposite perspectives. We fail to realize that, when we do not understand opposite perspectives enough to justify their merits, we almost certainly do not understand them enough to dismiss them either.

Develop the curiosity to see the world from new perspectives and discover opposite circumstances, whether you believe in them or not. If you follow faith X, attend services of faith Y; if you are conservative, explain the liberal outlook; if you hold the western philosophy on a particular subject, reason the eastern viewpoint; if you oppose a particular legislation, argue the merits of legislation. Instead of asking ‘ why ,’ ask ‘why not .’

When you pause arguing with an opposite perspective and try arguing for it, when you switch your point of view briefly, you will witness a profound shift in your thinking.

  • Your own attitudes may look different when seen from the opposite perspective. It can help you reinforce your own beliefs and attitudes. This approach may open your mind to discover the merits, similarities, and weaknesses of your arguments that may not be obvious from your own side of the board.
  • People are often glad to work with anyone who is accommodating and tries to understand their perspectives. Therefore, your ability to persuade others improves.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. How to Gain Empathic Insight during a Conflict
  2. How to Argue like the Wright Brothers
  3. Rapoport’s Rules to Criticize Someone Constructively
  4. Presenting Facts Can Sometimes Backfire
  5. Don’t Ignore the Counterevidence

Filed Under: Effective Communication, Mental Models, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Conflict, Conversations, Critical Thinking, Getting Along, Persuasion, Thinking Tools, Thought Process

Manager Tools’ Feedback Model

February 23, 2008 By Nagesh Belludi 2 Comments

Preamble

The last two articles discussed the popular ‘sandwich technique‘ for giving interpersonal feedback. The first article introduced the sandwich feedback technique. The second article critiqued this method and discussed three common mistakes that render the sandwich technique ineffective.

This follow-up article will introduce an effective feedback technique and list links for further information.

This article focuses on manager-to-employee feedback. However this feedback model can be the foundation for giving feedback in other interpersonal contexts as well—between peers or between spouses, for instance.

The Manager Tools Feedback Model

Manager Tools is a widely-admired suite of management techniques to help shape effective managers and leaders. The weekly podcasts on this site feature Manager Tools’ principals, Mark Horstman and Mike Auzenne, discussing their tools and tips to help audiences advance their managerial and leadership skills. The discussion forums are useful as well.

Perhaps the most popular and most effective of the Manager Tools ideas is the effective feedback model. Here is a summary of the four steps in this feedback technique.

  1. Ask an employee whether they are open to some feedback. Example: “Jack, may I give you some feedback?”
  2. Describe specific behavior you saw, heard, or read about. Example: “Jack, when you roll your eyes in meetings when others talk; when you say “you guys don’t get it”; when you come late to meetings and leave in the middle…”
  3. Describe the impact of the behavior. Once you have described what you observed, tell them what you felt or what impact it had on the company, project, or team. Example: “Jack, when you roll your eyes and tell others they “don’t get it”, here’s what happens. We lose good people. You lose opportunities you want, like that last move that you didn’t get.”
  4. Discuss next steps. Even with affirmative (positive) feedback, state “Good work. Keep it up.” For corrective (negative) feedback, ask open-ended or leading questions to encourage the employee to suggest change. Example: “What can you do about this? How can I help you?”

Further Information

Here are links to podcasts and references for further information on the Manager Tools effective feedback model.

  • Effective feedback model: podcast on the four-step technique and the corresponding summary sheet.
  • Podcast on frequently asked questions on the effective feedback model
  • Podcast on tailoring feedback to distinct employee communication styles.
  • Podcast on adapting the feedback model for giving feedback to peers.
  • A list of podcasts for advancing managerial and leadership’s skills.

Call for Action

Feedback is a central component of the manager-employee relationship. Employees get better at their jobs only when their managers give them timely, relevant and forthright feedback—both affirmative and corrective feedback.

Use the Manager Tools feedback model to enhance your feedback skills and communicate effectively with employees.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. The Difference between Directive and Non-Directive Coaching
  2. Never Skip Those 1-1 Meetings
  3. Can You Be Terminated for Out-of-Work Conduct?
  4. To Micromanage or Not?
  5. How to … Deal with a Colleague Who Talks Too Much

Filed Under: Managing People Tagged With: Conversations, Feedback

Why the Compliment Sandwich Feedback Technique is Ineffective

February 22, 2008 By Nagesh Belludi

Sandwich feedback technique

Yesterday’s article presented the popular ‘sandwich technique’ for giving interpersonal feedback. This follow-up article will critique this method and discuss three common mistakes that render the sandwich technique ineffective.

These discussions and examples focus on manager-to-employee feedback. However, this analysis is relevant to other interpersonal contexts, including interactions between peers or between spouses.

Mary Kay Ash on the Sandwich Technique

Mary Kay Ash, American entrepreneur and founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, discusses the sandwich feedback technique in her popular book, ‘Mary Kay on People Management’.

'Mary Kay on People Management' by Mary Kay Ash (ISBN 0446513148) Sandwich every bit of criticism between two heavy layers of praise. … A manager should be able to tell someone when something is wrong without bruising an ego in the process.

Never giving criticism without praise is a strict rule for me. No matter what you are criticizing, you must find something good to say—both before and after. This is called sandwich technique.

Try to praise in the beginning and then again after discussing the problem. You don’t subject people to harsh criticism or provoke anger.

Common Mistake 1: Praise is substantial and obscures the criticism

Sandwich feedback: when praise obscures criticism Consider the following case. Sarah was the head of a committee that organized the annual family picnic at her company. The committee exceeded the picnic budget by 35%. Sarah’s boss uses the sandwich technique to criticize her for her failure to control expenditure.

  • Praise: “Sarah, our management was very impressed with the attendance at our annual family picnic. The weather was great. The catered food was excellent. The activities for children were wonderful. You even organized contests for children and family.”
  • Criticism: “By the way, you overspent by 35%. You should check your expenses and try to be within budget.”
  • Praise: “I understand you worked very hard to coordinate the logistics. I congratulate you for doing a remarkable job leading the committee and for your enthusiasm. Thank you for a job well done.”

In the above example, the praise is substantial and obscures the criticism. Sarah may neglect the criticism since the criticism is insignificant—therefore, lost—when sandwiched between “heavy layers of praise.”

Common Mistake 2: Praise is trivial or just-for-sake and serves no function

Sandwich feedback: when feedback is trivial or just for sake Suppose that Charlie led a brainstorming meeting for a new product. One of his new fresh-from-college employees proposed an idea that was not practicable. Charlie was annoyed with the idea and responded, “That is a stupid idea. You are thoughtless. You have been here for less than a week. I don’t think you are knowledgeable enough to contribute to our discussions here.”

Janet, Charlie’s boss, observed this interaction. After the meeting, she wanted to criticize Charlie for condemning the new employee in the presence of several other employees. Janet recalled the sandwich feedback technique. However, she could not conceive praise for Charlie. Hastily, she stated something trivial just for the sake of paving the way to her criticism.

  • Praise: “Charlie, good job organizing the meeting.”
  • Criticism: “I noticed that you openly called the new employee’s idea “foolish” and dismissed it. Don’t you realize he is fresh from college? Did you see his reaction? He felt dejected and showed no enthusiasm during the rest of the meeting. He was probably there to meet people from our department and learn how we manage projects. How can you expect him to feel happy about joining your team? I have noticed that you jump to criticize other people’s ideas in meetings. A good manager encourages participation. I think you should apologize to the new employee. [Pause]”
  • Praise: “Hmm … anyway. Good meeting. I liked your flowchart.”

As in the above example, for the sake of sandwiching their criticism, managers tend to offer unrelated—often trivial—praises when faced with the challenge of criticizing their employees. Such praise is inconsequential and, therefore, defeats the purpose of the sandwich technique.

Common Mistake 3: Employees get tuned in to the praise-criticism-praise pattern

Sandwich feedback: employees get tuned in to the pattern Once managers use the sandwich feedback technique a few times, employees recognize the praise-criticism-praise pattern. They realize that the managers offer criticism after initiating their conversations with praise. Subsequently they learn to discount this praise since such praise is just a lead-in to the criticism.

Idea for Impact: Compliment Sandwiches are Easily Spotted as Inauthentic; The Sandwich Feedback Technique is Ineffective

Frequently, from the aforementioned mistakes, the sandwich technique undercuts praise with criticism. A praise followed by criticism undermines the positive impact of praise and weakens the corrective feedback’s significance.

Sandwich feedback is perhaps best used to help new managers develop feedback skills: to provide affirmative feedback to encourage employees to repeat desired behaviors and to offer corrective feedback to influence change. Once managers are comfortable giving feedback, they can focus on discussing what their employees do right and defer offering corrective feedback for other conversations.

In summary, it’s best to be direct when giving feedback, because the compliment sandwiches are easily spotted as inauthentic. Feedback is effective only when it’s timely, relevant and forthright. Tomorrow’s article will introduce an effective feedback technique.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. The Difference between Directive and Non-Directive Coaching
  2. Never Skip Those 1-1 Meetings
  3. Can You Be Terminated for Out-of-Work Conduct?
  4. To Micromanage or Not?
  5. How to … Deal with a Colleague Who Talks Too Much

Filed Under: Managing People Tagged With: Conversations, Feedback

How to Give A Compliment Sandwich Feedback

February 20, 2008 By Nagesh Belludi 23 Comments

Sandwich Feedback Technique

This article presents the popular ‘compliment sandwich technique’ for giving interpersonal feedback. Tomorrow’s follow-up article will critique this method and discuss three common mistakes that render the sandwich technique ineffective.

These discussions and examples focus on manager-to-employee feedback. This analysis is, however, relevant to other interpersonal contexts—between peers or spouses, for instance.

Managers Often Resent Giving Corrective Feedback

Feedback is a central component of the manager-employee relationship. Often, managers are reluctant resent giving corrective (or negative) feedback. They assume employee defensiveness and fear that negative feedback will offend the employee and thus affect their rapport with the employee. Such managers are likely to withhold criticism. They fail to provide timely, relevant feedback in various circumstances, from employee tardiness to inappropriate attire (especially if the employee is of the opposite gender.)

Sandwich Feedback & Purported Benefits

The sandwich feedback technique is a popular three-step procedure to help managers who are ill at ease with providing corrective feedback. The sandwich feedback method consists of praise followed by corrective feedback followed by more praise. In other words, the sandwich feedback method involves discussing corrective feedback that is “sandwiched” between two layers of praise.

The purported benefits of this technique are twofold: (1) it softens the impact of the criticism or corrective feedback, and, (2) given that a manager is probably more comfortable with praising the employee, the manager finds it easier to discuss problems with the employee’s behavior if this discussion begins and ends with praising the employee.

Compliment Sandwich Feedback: Example 1

Suppose that Andy, a new employee at a financial services firm, attended a week-long, offsite training program in New York. Each night during his stay at a hotel, Andy purchased on-demand movies in his room. He included the corresponding $65 charge in his expense report. Andy also dined at very pricey restaurants.

Jean, Andy’s manager, received the expense report for approval. Clearly, the charge for the movies had no business-justification. Jean uses the sandwich feedback technique to decline reimbursement for this expense and instruct Andy to be more prudent about expenses when traveling:

  • Praise: “Andy, I am impressed with your development since you joined my team last month. You have used the skills you learned during your training in New York to systematically review our customer’s accounts.”
  • Criticism: “By the way, earlier this morning, I was reviewing the expense report from your trip to New York. I notice a $65 charge for on-demand movies. I have to deny this expense since it has no business-justification. I also noticed very expensive meals. I will approve these charges this time. Given our limited travel budgets, I would ask you to be more careful about your trip expenses. You are probably not aware of our company’s travel policy. I have asked Human Resources to give you a copy of our travel policy booklet that details the acceptable expense report practices.”
  • Praise: “I am glad you were able to use the skills you learned at this training in New York. I appreciate your hard work and persistence with this customer. Keep up the good work.”

Compliment Sandwich Feedback: Example 2

Assume Sofia led a brainstorming meeting for an important project. Habitually, Sofia does not circulate the agendas prior to the meetings she leads. After one such meeting, Sofia’s manager uses the sandwich feedback technique to persuade her to be more organized:

  • Praise: “Sofia, we had a very productive meeting. We had the right participants and collected all the necessary inputs from other departments. Thanks for your coordination.”
  • Criticism: “Did you notice that the discussions were unsystematic? When you do not distribute an agenda prior to the meeting, the participants do not come prepared. During the meeting, they have to go back to their desks to collect information. Additionally, we tend to spend a lot of time digressing from the meeting objectives. How can you avoid this?” A discussion ensues.
  • Praise: “You are doing so well with gathering all the inputs. I am pleased about your diligence in circulating minutes of your meetings and following-up on action items. “

Concluding Thoughts

The sandwich feedback technique enables a manager to restructure feedback so it is easier to deliver. The technique also reinforces good behavior and asks for improvements.

Tomorrow’s article will discuss, with simple examples, three common mistakes that defeat the purpose of sandwiching corrective feedback between two layers of praise. In summary, it’s best to be direct when giving feedback, because the compliment sandwiches are easily spotted as inauthentic.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Why the Compliment Sandwich Feedback Technique is Ineffective
  2. The Puppy Theory: Giving Feedback Too Late
  3. Fear of Feedback: Won’t Give, Don’t Ask
  4. Management by Walking Around the Frontlines [Lessons from ‘The HP Way’]
  5. Think of a Customer’s Complaint as a Gift

Filed Under: Managing People Tagged With: Conversations, Feedback

On the Use of ‘But’ in Interpersonal Feedback

February 28, 2007 By Nagesh Belludi 1 Comment

Dale Carnegie's classic, How to Win Friends and Influence PeopleDale Carnegie’s classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” is one of the most popular self-help books ever written. The book was first published in 1936 and has since sold millions of copies worldwide. In all my personality development seminars, I recommend this book as a must-read for improving interpersonal dynamics. Here is a detailed summary of the book.

Dale Carnegie on the Choice of Words in Giving Feedback

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word ‘but’ and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”

In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word ‘but.’ He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie’s attitude toward his studies.

This could be easily overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and.’ “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”

Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.

Call for Action

Giving interpersonal feedback and facilitating change is a critical people-skill. Prior to delivering feedback, we rarely plan exactly what we want to say and how we want to say. The words we choose to use are important.

Observe how you deliver feedback. Use the “You are good and if you improve at this skill, you will be better” structure for effective feedback.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Why the Compliment Sandwich Feedback Technique is Ineffective
  2. Fear of Feedback: Won’t Give, Don’t Ask
  3. Fostering Growth & Development: Embrace Coachable Moments
  4. Management by Walking Around the Frontlines [Lessons from ‘The HP Way’]
  5. Think of a Customer’s Complaint as a Gift

Filed Under: Managing People Tagged With: Conversations, Feedback

How to Help People Pursue Conversations after Introducing Them

January 3, 2007 By Nagesh Belludi 1 Comment

Many people have difficulty with starting conversations and engaging in small talk in unfamiliar social situations. They do not have much to say when introduced to new people at parties, meetings or formal gatherings. As a host or fellow-attendee, you can help.

Say you are presenting people to one another. In addition to stating each person’s name, add a snippet of information about a topic of common interest. Do not elaborate. This will help them connect and pursue a conversation.

Here is an example: “Hey Charlie. This is Sarah, my colleague from work. [Pause for pleasantries.] Sarah’s daughter just returned from Spain after a semester of the ‘Study Abroad’ program. Charlie, wasn’t your daughter thinking of enrolling in the program?”

In a future blog article, I will write about the protocol for introducing people to one another in gatherings.

Wondering what to read next?

  1. Witty Comebacks and Smart Responses for Nosy People
  2. How to Be a Great Conversationalist: Ask for Stories
  3. How to … Address Over-Apologizing
  4. Avoid Trigger Words: Own Your Words with Grace and Care
  5. Stop Getting Caught in Other People’s Drama

Filed Under: Effective Communication, Managing People Tagged With: Conversations, Social Life

How to Accept Compliments Gracefully

December 13, 2006 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Consider the following experiences.

  • While disembarking from a private aircraft recently, I complimented the captain on a smooth landing. She waved her hand and replied, “Ah, that was not very smooth. This aircraft-type is new to me. I haven’t yet mastered the controls. I need more practice.”
  • A colleague presented me a book on the Toyota Production System. I had been reading about the history of Toyota and considered this gift a thoughtful gesture. I thanked my colleague. His response, “I found this book on clearance sale at the Border’s outlet store. Just $1.99.”

Many of us have trouble accepting compliments. We have the urge to deflect or downgrade the compliments. We do not realize that our actions draw unwanted attention. We unnecessarily belittle ourselves, as well as the people offering the compliments.

People may consider our “I don’t deserve your compliments” attitudes as signs of personal insecurity or false modesty. By failing to honor the opinions of others, we discourage them from offering affirmative feedback.

Accepting compliments positively demonstrates your self-confidence and leaves positive impressions about you. The next time somebody praises you, acknowledge the compliments enthusiastically. Instead of saying “Oh, it was nothing,” just smile and say, “Thank you. I appreciate your kindness.”

Wondering what to read next?

  1. A Trick to Help you Praise At Least Three People Every Day
  2. How Small Talk in Italy Changed My Perspective on Talking to Strangers
  3. Want to be more likeable? Improve your customer service? Adopt Sam Walton’s “Ten-Foot Rule”
  4. “But, Excuse Me, I’m Type A”: The Ultimate Humblebrag?
  5. What Jeeves Teaches About Passive Voice as a Tool of Tact

Filed Under: Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Conversations, Courtesy, Etiquette, Likeability, Personality, Social Skills

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About: Nagesh Belludi [hire] is a St. Petersburg, Florida-based freethinker, investor, and leadership coach. He specializes in helping executives and companies ensure that the overall quality of their decision-making benefits isn’t compromised by a lack of a big-picture understanding.

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