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Book Summary of ‘Yeah, No. Not Happening’: Karen Karbo on Rejecting the Pursuit of Perfection’s Snare

June 23, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

'Yeah No Not Happening' by Karen Karbo (ISBN 0062945548) Karen Karbo’s book Yeah, No. Not Happening (2020) is titled after a powerful mantra she uses to break free from the relentless pursuit of getting better. Karbo calls attention to a significant tragedy of our time: we spend most of our lives striving for self-improvement and setting ourselves up for failure when, in reality, we are often content just as we are.

We don’t need to constantly chase ambitious goals or sacrifice our inner peace for an unattainable ideal. It’s essential to allow ourselves a break—a deliberate act of self-care. While we naturally care for others out of responsibility, necessity, and habit, we overlook extending the same care to ourselves.

Karbo encourages us to embrace being okay rather than relentlessly pursuing an impossible perfection, even when we give our best effort. Being okay does not mean carrying regrets; it means being human, embracing every aspect of ourselves. In our flaws and scars, resilience blooms.

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Filed Under: Living the Good Life, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Assertiveness, Attitudes, Balance, Goals, Perfectionism, Personal Growth, Procrastination, Simple Living, Stress

Book Summary of Erich Fromm’s ‘The Art of Loving’

June 21, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Erich Fromm‘s The Art of Loving (1956) is a philosophical and psychological exploration of the nature of love. It begins by questioning whether love is an art that requires knowledge and effort or merely a pleasant sensation that one “falls into” if lucky. Fromm argued that most people believe the latter, while he subscribed to the former. As an art, love necessitates practice and a certain degree of maturity to succeed at it.

Fromm posits that people misunderstand love for several reasons. First, they tend to focus not on loving but on being loved—striving to improve their desirability by becoming more affluent, famous, or attractive instead of learning to love. Second, they think of love as finding an object to love rather than a faculty to cultivate. They believe that loving is simple, but finding someone to love is challenging, whereas, in reality, the opposite is true. Lastly, Fromm points out that people often confuse “falling” with “standing” in love, which involves care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge.

'The Art of Loving' by Erich Fromm (ISBN 0826412602) The initial rush of emotions when two previously isolated people suddenly discover each other may be exciting, but these feelings are fleeting. True love involves “standing” in love, a skill that takes years of hard work to develop, just like any other art or skill. Fromm argues that love is not something we stumble upon but must actively learn and cultivate over time.

In the end, Fromm emphasizes that despite the difficulties in learning and practicing love, it is a most valuable pursuit, surpassing material possessions like money, fame, or power. The mystery of existence can only be uncovered through our relationships with nature, purpose and meaning (through fruitful work,) and, most crucially, with other people. Hence, to fully experience the richness of life, it is necessary to cultivate the art of loving in all its forms.

Read The Art of Loving. It’ll deepen your appreciation for the complexities of love and human connections.

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Filed Under: Living the Good Life, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Attitudes, Emotions, Meaning, Philosophy, Relationships

The Longest Holdout: The Shoichi Yokoi Fallacy

May 22, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

In 1972, while hunting near the Talofofo River in Guam, two cousins from the village of Talofofo were startled by rustling sounds emanating from the tall reeds. Initially, they assumed it was an animal or a hidden child, but to their surprise, they came face to face with an elderly and disheveled man clutching a shrimp trap. This unexpected encounter took aback the hunters, and after some initial confusion, they captured the man and escorted him back to their makeshift jungle home, about an hour’s walk away. The old man pleaded with the cousins to end his life.

That fugitive turned out to be Shoichi Yokoi, a Japanese soldier. During the latter stages of World War II, Yokoi served in the supply corps of the Japanese army stationed on the island of Guam. In 1944, when General Douglas MacArthur’s troops invaded and reclaimed control of the island, Yokoi retreated into the dense jungle. There, he sought refuge in an underground cave and remained hidden for 28 years, living as a determined survivor under harsh conditions.

Yokoi sustained himself by inhabiting a tunnel-like cave he had carved amidst the thick foliage, relying on a diet of nuts, fruits, shrimp, frogs, and rats. He fashioned his clothing by skillfully weaving tree bark strips and using the moon’s phases to track time. In 1952, he chanced upon a leaflet announcing the war’s end, but he and his fellow soldiers dismissed it as enemy propaganda, choosing not to surrender. Over time, all of Yokoi’s comrades perished due to starvation or illness, or were captured.

Loyalty Without a Glance Can Shroud the Mind in Ignorance

Yokoi remained firmly convinced that his fellow soldiers would eventually come to rescue him, and he clung tenaciously to this belief. Surrender was out of the question, as he later explained, “We Japanese soldiers were taught to choose death over the shame of being taken alive.” (Additionally, stragglers like him believed that returning to Japan was impossible, fearing they would be branded as deserters and face the death penalty.)

In 1972, Yokoi finally returned to Japan, where he was hailed as a national hero. Upon his arrival in Tokyo, he famously declared, “It is with much embarrassment that I have returned alive,” echoing the indoctrination he had received before the war. For the older generation, he symbolized greatness, embodying the prewar values of diligence. However, for the younger generation, he represented an awkward reminder of outdated ideals. Being captured and surviving was deemed cowardly, as the ideal soldier made the ultimate sacrifice for the divine emperor, even at the cost of his own life.

Yokoi’s remarkable story of surviving in the jungle captured the imagination of the Japanese people. The country was undergoing an industrial boom, and many were fascinated by his ability to endure on a meager diet and his resourcefulness in creating clothing from tree bark. Yokoi even returned his army-issued rifle to “the honorable emperor,” expressing his embarrassment at having returned alive rather than dying in service to the emperor. He regretted not having served his majesty to the fullest.

However, Yokoi never quite felt at home in modern society. Before his conscription in 1941, he had been an apprentice tailor, and now, he found himself overwhelmed by the changes that had occurred during his absence. He subsequently led a quiet life as a hermit, becoming a popular television personality and advocating for a simple way of life. He traveled across the country, delivering public lectures criticizing Japan’s “wasteful modern lifestyle” and championing values of thrift and self-reliance. He was deeply admired for his unwavering determination, his spirit of ganbaru (“enduring adversity without giving in,”) and his unwavering commitment to traditional values.

Embrace the Gifts That Doubt Can Bring. Let Enlightenment Take Flight.

Overall, Yokoi spent 27 years in isolation in the jungles of Guam, stubbornly holding onto his identity as a Japanese soldier long after the war had ended. In doing so, he squandered his life by adhering to ideals that held no significance for anyone else, sacrificing his relationships, career, and personal happiness to pursue the Japanese principle of ganbaru, or unwavering perseverance.

There reaches a point where virtue, taken to the extreme, can transform into a vice. Shoichi Yokoi personified this fallacy. We often admire the act of unwavering commitment, but we tend to lose sight of the underlying reasons behind it due to the blinding effects of rigid adherence.

Beware of blind devotion to any ideology that promotes rigid and restrictive beliefs. Do not overestimate the value of your morals beyond their practical utility, and be receptive to changing your perspective when circumstances demand it. This requires reevaluating your priorities and recognizing that what you once cherished may no longer align with your desires or aspirations. When faced with new information or situations, consider the possibility of altering your stance. There is a difference between sticking to your principles and being imprudent.

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Filed Under: Mental Models, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Attitudes, Biases, Mental Models, Persistence, Persuasion, Philosophy, Psychology, Thought Process, Wisdom

How to … Change Your Life When Nothing Seems to be Going Your Way

May 4, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Recollect what it means to be human: we go through ups, downs, shortcomings, triumphs, losses, confidence, and apprehensions are all just a part of life. While unpleasant, failure is also a common and essential element of life. Bearing failure with equanimity is more likely to help you find success and get what you want.

Next, think about something that’s challenged you in the past and consider how you’re better off for having been through that experience. When you acknowledge you’ve overcome setbacks before, you can recognize that you can—and will—weather this one, too.

Ponder about whatever challenges you presently and see if you can reframe it. Try to perceive it as an opportunity for growth and consider what gifts could come from this experience. Visualizing successful outcomes is the best way to reset or repurpose your goals.

Idea for Impact: Developing resiliency isn’t easy, but excessive rumination and dwelling on past failures for longer than necessary will keep you stuck. When things aren’t going your way, challenge yourself to find any upsides, no matter how small. Find the good in the less-than-ideal. You’re more likely to get unstuck by trying a low-risk baby step forward.

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Filed Under: Living the Good Life, Mental Models, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Adversity, Attitudes, Discipline, Emotions, Mental Models, Motivation, Resilience, Success, Wisdom

Maximize Your Chance Possibilities & Get Lucky

April 27, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi 1 Comment

'Luck Factor' by Richard Wiseman (ISBN 0786869143) British psychologist Richard Wiseman’s Luck Factor (2003) explores what makes some people lucky and others unlucky.

Being lucky is a mindset to bring to life. Lucky people maximize their chances of creating and noticing a lucky opportunity. They listen to their intuition when they get an opportunistic hunch.

The book’s core premise is whether you’re generally lucky or unlucky depends on your attitude—an optimistic mindset is a self-fulfilling prophecy, indeed. Lucky people expect good fortune; they expect good things to happen in their life. When they do have a run of bad luck, they adopt a resilient attitude and somehow turn that into good luck.

Idea for Impact: Lucky people aren’t lucky by sheer accident. To maximize your chances of getting lucky, get more opportunities and feel luckier. Get out there more often, produce more work, and talk to more people. Be open to the world and ready for new opportunities.

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Filed Under: Mental Models, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Attitudes, Biases, Books for Impact, Creativity, Luck, Risk, Thinking Tools

The Problem with Positive Thinking

April 18, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

When positive thinking is seeing bad situations in a favorable light, you can look for the good and make the best of life’s terrible blows. That’s OK.

The problem with positive thinking is the implication that if things don’t go right, you’ve failed yourself. That you’ve not believed in yourself enough. That you should blame yourself because there’s nowhere else to go.

Positive thinking so isn’t a temperament that works when things aren’t going well—that’s the real test as to whether a mindset holds up.

What you need is an attitude that radically embraces reality. It allows you to face the possibilities of negative encounters and not shun away from them. It lets you honestly appraise your circumstances.

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Filed Under: Living the Good Life, Mental Models Tagged With: Attitudes, Emotions, Mindfulness, Resilience, Thinking Tools

Play the Part of an Optimist

March 2, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

'Spontaneous Optimism' by Mary Ann Troiani (ISBN 0938901095) Spontaneous Optimism: Proven Strategies for Health, Prosperity & Happiness (1998) by psychologists Mary Ann Troiani and Michael W. Mercer makes a case that optimism is a learned skill. This tome suggests three things you can do to enhance your optimism.

First, adopt a language that connotates positivity. Straighten your body before your emotions. Keep a straight body posture, take big steps, and walk quickly with your shoulders back and your head up. “Pessimistic people walk slowly with small steps and their heads down.”

Second, be on thought watch. Negative thoughts are more likely to contribute to a pessimistic view of life. Change your tone of voice to be cheerful, enthusiastic, and full of purpose. Let your voice echo these sentiments. Avoid talking to people who tend to have a pessimistic outlook—talking to someone who is also down or cynical about life can make you feel worse.

Third, use upbeat or happier words. Call a ‘problem’ a ‘challenge.’ ‘Losses’ are just ‘roadblocks.’ The authors note, “Positive thoughts and behavior have a positive impact on the brain’s biochemistry … They boost your serotonin levels and signal that you’re happy. Your brain will catch up to you.”

Idea for Impact: Deliberate practice of empowering body language can shift your mindset and moods. Optimism, imagery, and self-talk do work.

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Filed Under: Living the Good Life, Mental Models Tagged With: Assertiveness, Attitudes, Body Language, Likeability, Personality, Resilience, Success

Why It’s So Hard to Apologize

February 13, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Some people feel that apologizing carries deeper psychological ramifications than their words imply.

Apologizing feels far too vulnerable—too threatening even. Non-apologizers find it challenging to set aside their pride long enough to concede their imperfections. They depend on external validation, and therefore, they need to be seen as correct, strong, and powerful. Admitting they are flawed and fallible is thus something they refuse to do.

Offering an Apology Can Feel Like a Sign of Weakness

In sum, refusing to apologize often echoes a conscious or subconscious effort to protect a fragile sense of self. Apologies require a reasonably robust sense of self-worth, and often non-apologizers feel that regrets for their actions significantly threaten their basic sense of identity and self-esteem. They fear it’d open the floodgates to more vulnerability and blame. They’re pathologically afraid of being wrong.

When a person’s sense of self is threatened, they counter-attack and double down on their position. Other times, a self-preservation instinct will lead people to offer a submission—a calculated, face-saving “non-apology apology” that doesn’t suggest proper accountability.

Other non-apologizers can be oblivious to the effect their actions have on others. They don’t apologize because they are unaware that they have something—anything even—to apologize for. They lack empathy and can’t put themselves in the other person’s place.

Idea for Impact: It Takes Strength to Apologize Meaningfully

Learn to work past your fears and resistance to apologizing. Apologizing for the harm you’ve caused and taking responsibility for your mistakes can indeed be a sign of strength.

Effective apologies empathize with the wronged party and address the recipients’ feelings—they don’t need to prove a point. Name what you did wrong, show yourself as regretful, and indicate what might be different in the future.

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Managing People, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Attitudes, Etiquette, Getting Along, Humility, Likeability, Listening

Is It Worth It to Quit Social Media?

December 19, 2022 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Yet another study on the benefits of deactivating Facebook:

  • Quitting Facebook could free up 60 minutes per day.
  • “Deactivating Facebook caused small but significant improvements in subjective well-being, and in particular in self-reported happiness, life satisfaction, depression, and anxiety.”
  • “As the [time-away-from-Facebook] experiment ended, participants reported planning to use Facebook much less in the future.”
  • “Deactivation significantly reduced polarization of views on policy issues and a measure of exposure to polarizing news.”

I’ve written previously about the ills of social media: they’re time-sucks at work and home, they undermine flesh-and-blood social bonding, they influence your thinking through gate-keeping the newsfeeds you’re exposed to, and they unduly sway your buying decisions through advertisements. Mindlessly scrolling through the airbrushed pictures of others’ lives could remind you of the life you don’t have—potentially instigating feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and self-loathing.

Social media have become a necessity that people have become reluctant to do without. Facebook’s spectacular growth is testimony to the fact that social media offer a core human need that was always wanted. For the moment, we’ll have to rely on individual choices to use social media sparingly and intelligently. Balance is everything—not all or none.

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Filed Under: Managing People, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Attitudes, Conversations, Networking, Persuasion, Social Dynamics, Social Media, Time Management, Worry

Don’t Be Afraid to Let the Darkness In

October 27, 2022 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to be angry or sad.

Fear, anxiety, sadness, and other negative emotions are but a natural response to what’s happening in your life, and you shouldn’t have to deny them. No one goes through life never feeling a negative emotion.

If you have a vicious internal voice—an ‘inner saboteur’—that also scorns you for having a rough time, just tell yourself it’s okay to not be okay. Your emotions aren’t the enemy. Sometimes things are hard because they’re just hard and not because you’re lacking something or you’re not doing enough.

You don’t need to buy into platitudes such as “Look on the sunnier side!” and “Everything happens for a reason!” Being positive isn’t the only correct way to live. In fact, toxic positivity can make you feel disconnected and, eventually, worse.

As long as you deal with them healthily, negative sentiments are okay—no need to avoid unpleasant realities. Stop buying into them, being attached to them, and inviting them back. Leaning into—not suppressing—pain, regret, sadness, and fear can bring significant benefits. The road to the good life is paved with the full range of the human experience—tears and furrowed brows, smiles and amusement, and all.

Idea for Impact: Don’t be afraid to let the darkness in. No need to attach so much meaning to what arises. No need to identify with your emotions. Allow yourself to experience the emotions. In time, they’ll move on through.

Seek little moments of compassion, inspiration, calmness, or altruism. These have the power to inspire and give hope.

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Filed Under: Health and Well-being, Mental Models Tagged With: Attitudes, Emotions, Getting Along, Introspection, Suffering, Worry

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About: Nagesh Belludi [hire] is a St. Petersburg, Florida-based freethinker, investor, and leadership coach. He specializes in helping executives and companies ensure that the overall quality of their decision-making benefits isn’t compromised by a lack of a big-picture understanding.

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