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Assertiveness

The Trouble with Accusing Someone of Virtue Signaling

October 30, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

The Trouble with Accusing Someone of Virtue Signaling The pejorative culture-wars phrase ‘virtue signaling’ has become an ad hominem scorn—a shoddy substitute for intelligently addressing the substance of the argument you’re purportedly discussing.

If you declare somebody is ‘virtue signaling’ when you have an ideological disagreement with them, you’re probably more interested in making groundless and unfalsifiable speculation about their motives. You’re unhesitatingly framing their intellectual or emotional foray as an act of narcissism. (Paradoxically, wielding the term sometimes serves as virtue signaling in itself. You’re pleading a moral high ground by calling out virtue signaling.)

You can’t rebut a person’s subjective position merely by discrediting that person or dismissing their opinions as grandstanding. You can’t denigrate people’s motives without speaking to their argument. Even if you think someone is likely virtue-signaling, keeping your speculation to a minimum is better.

Idea for Impact: Don’t judge the motives of others. It rarely helps to respond to a conflict by indicting them of a personal sin that is internal and, therefore, inscrutable to anyone else.

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Assertiveness, Attitudes, Etiquette, Humility, Likeability, Listening, Manipulation, Personality

Why Settle?

October 9, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

We often believe we deserve so much better, but along the way, we settle. We settle for something not quite right.

It’s a choice we get to make every day. We settle one step at a time—because we don’t take the time to find “the one,” especially, or at least, only, when the stakes are big enough.

Yes, perfectionism is the enemy of ‘done.’ But not all perfectionism is detrimental … only obsessive, maladaptive perfectionism is. Haven’t our perfectionist efforts yielded the most good & satisfaction?

Idea for Impact: Learn to listen to your voice and live life on your own terms. Be very selective when pushing yourself to the max. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve, especially when your effort is wholly justified. Be more or less perfectionistic as required.

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Filed Under: Living the Good Life, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Assertiveness, Discipline, Getting Things Done, Goals, Perfectionism, Procrastination

Think Before You Commit: Say ‘Yes’ Slowly

August 25, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

When presented with a request, avoid hastily agreeing and later regretting it. Instead, use this simple hack to prevent impulsive commitments: slow the conversation by posing questions.

Seek clarification regarding the specifics, time frame, and whether others have been approached. If you can only manage a portion of the task, inquire where your involvement would be most beneficial.

These questions allow you to gather more information and organize your thoughts. They will compel you to reconsider before biting off more than you can chew.

Undoing a default ‘yes’ is considerably more challenging than refraining from giving one initially. Revoking your commitment may result in even greater disappointment for the other person.

Idea for Impact: It’s tempting to say ‘yes’ to every demand imposed upon us by others. However, it is essential to reserve your ‘yes’for the right things. Respond with a deliberate and thoughtful ‘yes.’ Remember, every ‘no’ signifies a ‘yes’to something significant.

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Assertiveness, Decision-Making, Likeability, Negotiation, Persuasion

How to … Strengthen The ‘Asking Muscle’

August 23, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Many people are afraid to ask—even negotiate—for what they want. Just because you ask for something doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but you must keep trying. In the same way that your body’s muscles need regular exercise to stay strong and flexible, the voices in your head do too. The more you practice asking (rehearse with a friend if needed,) the more comfortable it becomes.

Idea for Impact: Don’t wait for good things, as you may have been taught. Ask for what you want. With each triumph, you’ll gain confidence; with each disappointment, you’ll learn something. You’ll overcome the dread of asking for too much. You’ll conquer the fear of rejection or reprisal. Besides, you’ll be less deprived of what you’re reasonably entitled to.

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Assertiveness, Confidence, Fear, Motivation, Negotiation, Persuasion, Procrastination

Expanding the Narrative: Servant Leadership beyond Christianity

August 21, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

During the 1970s, Robert Greenleaf, an executive at AT&T, began popularizing a concept that challenged the idea of a heroic leader. He advocated for leaders who embraced humility and empowered their followers to lead.

According to Greenleaf, great leaders see themselves as servants first, and this fundamental understanding sets them apart. He taught, “Servant leadership begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead. That person is sharply different from one who is leader first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions.”

Interestingly, this notion of “leader as a servant” aligns closely with the principles and teachings found in Christian scriptures, where Jesus Christ is often regarded as the ultimate example of a servant leader. Jesus exemplified humility, compassion, and selflessness in his interactions with others. In the Gospel of Mark, he declared, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45, NIV.)

While Christianity inspires its leaders to emulate the servant leadership model by prioritizing people, valuing service, and fulfilling their role as stewards, it is essential to note that servant leadership is not exclusive to Christianity. The concept can be found in other religious traditions as well. For instance, even the Śvētāmbara Jain Jñātādharmakathāḥ Sūtra (“Stories of Knowledge and Righteousness”) monastic texts contain elements of servant leadership.

In a past life, the monk Megha was an elephant. Frightened by a forest fire, he created a clearing to provide refuge when the fire next hit. He rushed to the clearing with all the other animals during a future fire. At one stage, he lifted his foot to scratch himself, and when he came to put it down again, he saw that a hare had squeezed into the space. So he stood on three legs for the entire duration of the fire — several days — and as a result, he fell over and died. This exceptionally compassionate act resulted in a human rebirth.

The Mahākapi Jātaka relates Buddha-to-be on his Bodhisattva path:

The story runs that the Bodhisattva was born as a monkey, ruler of over 80,000 monkeys. They lived near the Ganges and ate the fruit of a great mango tree. King Brahmadatta of Benares, desiring to possess the mangoes, surrounded the tree with his soldiers to kill the animals, but the Bodhisattva formed a bridge over the stream with his own body and, by this means, enabled the whole tribe to escape into safety.

Devadatta, the jealous and wicked cousin of the Buddha, was one of the monkeys in that life and, thinking it was a good chance to destroy his enemy, jumped on the Bodhisattva’s back and broke his heart.

The king, seeing the good deed of the Bodhisattva and repenting of his own attempt to kill him, tended to him with great care when he was dying and afterward gave him royal obsequies.

Servant leadership goes beyond any specific faith and encompasses a broader philosophy of putting others and organizations before oneself. It emphasizes the importance of valuing and prioritizing the interests and well-being of others. As the apostle Paul wrote in his letter to the Philippians, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3-4, NIV.)

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Filed Under: Leadership, Managing People, Mental Models Tagged With: Assertiveness, Buddhism, Getting Along, Humility, Integrity, Leadership, Parables, Persuasion, Role Models

Avoid Trigger Words: Own Your Words with Grace and Care

August 3, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

Using phrases like “you should,” “you never,” and “you’re supposed to” can immediately put the other person on the defensive.

  • When making statements, it’s better to begin with “I feel” or “I’d like.” By using “I” statements, nobody can argue with the fact that you feel a certain way.
  • Take responsibility for your words. Instead of protesting with phrases like “Don’t be late as usual,” which only reinforce complaints, try inviting positive change by saying, “It would be helpful for me if you could arrive early tonight, maybe by six.”
  • Saying “I don’t care” or “You choose” might not make you seem pleasant and agreeable. The other person may resent being forced to make decisions on your behalf.
  • Phrases like “I hate to be a pain, but…” or “I could be wrong, but…” undermine your request before you even make it.
  • Saying “I know” can make you appear irritating, self-important, or unreceptive. Instead, using “You’re right” doesn’t belittle something the other person may have just realized. “Yes, that’s on my mind!” acknowledges the other person’s reminder.
  • If someone apologizes anxiously, don’t say, “Stop saying sorry.” Instead, saying, “You have nothing to apologize for,” is more reassuring and won’t make the other person feel awkward.

Idea for Impact: Using direct and concise language strengthens the message and clarifies your needs. Be mindful of language that may unintentionally cause offense, distress, or discomfort to others. Prioritizing empathy and open-mindedness can contribute to maintaining respectful and inclusive conversations.

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Managing People, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Assertiveness, Conversations, Etiquette, Getting Along, Humility, Likeability, Listening, Social Life, Social Skills

Beyond Mansplaining’s Veil

July 13, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

“Mansplaining,” commonly associated with a condescending and chauvinistic attitude, traditionally refers to situations where men unnecessarily and patronizingly explain things to women, often silencing their voices.

However, the term “mansplaining” has been extensively used in recent years to the point where it sometimes carries connotations of “reverse sexism.” It’s often employed without carefully considering the validity of men’s opinions, resulting in the dismissal or belittlement of their arguments. It’s worth noting that both men and women can internalize sexist beliefs and attitudes due to societal conditioning.

While it’s true that many men exhibit patronizing and rude behavior, assuming that such mannerisms are exclusively a male trait is an oversimplification. Contempt can be seen across genders; it’s a flaw that goes beyond gender boundaries. Men interrupt and talk down to each other in debates. Some individuals, regardless of gender, treat everyone with the same interrupting and condescending tone—it’s simply their communication style. Therefore, the communication issue lies in “human-splaining,” and making generalizations solely based on gender is unfair and unproductive.

Furthermore, the term “mansplaining” is often carelessly used out of frustration and anger, becoming a convenient way to dismiss any man expressing an opinion or insisting on a viewpoint during a debate.

Idea for Impact: Let’s reserve the label for situations where it’s genuinely warranted and instead focus on addressing the underlying issue of unequal valuing of men’s and women’s words. Let’s examine entitlement and the impact of patriarchal structures. Engaging in productive dialogue is far more effective than resorting to gratuitous dismissals.

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Managing People Tagged With: Assertiveness, Biases, Conflict, Diversity, Getting Along, Listening, Social Dynamics, Workplace

Book Summary of ‘Yeah, No. Not Happening’: Karen Karbo on Rejecting the Pursuit of Perfection’s Snare

June 23, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

'Yeah No Not Happening' by Karen Karbo (ISBN 0062945548) Karen Karbo’s book Yeah, No. Not Happening (2020) is titled after a powerful mantra she uses to break free from the relentless pursuit of getting better. Karbo calls attention to a significant tragedy of our time: we spend most of our lives striving for self-improvement and setting ourselves up for failure when, in reality, we are often content just as we are.

We don’t need to constantly chase ambitious goals or sacrifice our inner peace for an unattainable ideal. It’s essential to allow ourselves a break—a deliberate act of self-care. While we naturally care for others out of responsibility, necessity, and habit, we overlook extending the same care to ourselves.

Karbo encourages us to embrace being okay rather than relentlessly pursuing an impossible perfection, even when we give our best effort. Being okay does not mean carrying regrets; it means being human, embracing every aspect of ourselves. In our flaws and scars, resilience blooms.

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Filed Under: Living the Good Life, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Assertiveness, Attitudes, Balance, Goals, Perfectionism, Personal Growth, Procrastination, Simple Living, Stress

Mise En Place Your Life: How This Culinary Concept Can Boost Your Productivity

May 24, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

“Mise en place” may sound like a highfalutin term, but it is a French phrase that means “set in place.” In the culinary world, it refers to the practice of preparing all ingredients and equipment in advance of cooking. This means tasks such as chopping vegetables, measuring ingredients, preheating ovens, and organizing equipment are taken care of before cooking begins. The benefit of this preparation is that cooks can concentrate entirely on cooking during service, free from the need to stop and gather or prepare ingredients. Mise en place is an essential aspect of professional cooking and symbolizes a well-organized and efficient kitchen.

When it comes to exceptional cooking, chefs take their craft seriously. Mise en place isn’t just a time-saving technique; it’s a way of life. Messing with it is like kicking a hornet’s nest, as Anthony Bourdain, the culinary world’s travel documentarian, underscored in his bestselling book, Kitchen Confidential (2000): “Mise en place is the religion of all good line cooks.” Everything from their station to their tools, supplies, and backups should be arranged with military precision, and disturbing this sacred set-up is like throwing the universe off balance. Things can quickly spiral out of control, and anyone in the restaurant is advised not to mess with a line cook’s “meez” unless they want to face their wrath!

The same concept can be applied to any project or task. Pre-planning and careful preparation reduce the risk of interruptions and distractions. Take time to plan ahead, gather the necessary resources, and know your goal before starting. Keep the mundane concerns from keeping you focused on the job you’re there to do.

Think of it as a personal mise en place. Sit down and plan out what you need to succeed, including the necessary skills, resources, and people. Doing so allows you to channel your full attention to the task at hand, avoiding distractions and increasing your overall effectiveness.

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Filed Under: Business Stories, Managing People, Mental Models, Sharpening Your Skills Tagged With: Assertiveness, Biases, Clutter, Discipline, Mindfulness, Perfectionism, Procrastination, Psychology, Tardiness

A Tagline for Most Meetings: Much Said, Little Decided

April 22, 2023 By Nagesh Belludi Leave a Comment

A one-hour meeting with eight people is an 8-hour meeting.

It’s ludicrous that a $5KK expense budget requires a tiresome justification and sign-off by senior executives, but gathering a bunch of well-paid professionals to dawdle away for a few hours and burn the same money in low-value interactions is totally unchecked. Besides, no one seems satisfied with the quality of the output of these ‘decision meetings,’ let alone committed to following through.

Idea for Impact: Want a better decision? Plan a better meeting! Treat time spent in meetings consciously by emphasizing decision-making over information-sharing.

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Filed Under: Effective Communication, Leading Teams Tagged With: Assertiveness, Efficiency, Meetings, Teams, Time Management

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About: Nagesh Belludi [hire] is a St. Petersburg, Florida-based freethinker, investor, and leadership coach. He specializes in helping executives and companies ensure that the overall quality of their decision-making benefits isn’t compromised by a lack of a big-picture understanding.

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Unless otherwise stated in the individual document, the works above are © Nagesh Belludi under a Creative Commons BY-NC-ND license. You may quote, copy and share them freely, as long as you link back to RightAttitudes.com, don't make money with them, and don't modify the content. Enjoy!