Right Attitudes

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Effective Communication

The Trouble with Accusing Someone of Virtue Signaling

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The Trouble with Accusing Someone of Virtue Signaling The pejorative culture-wars phrase ‘virtue signaling’ has become an ad hominem scorn—a shoddy substitute for intelligently addressing the substance of the argument you’re purportedly discussing.

If you declare somebody is ‘virtue signaling’ when you have an ideological disagreement with them, you’re probably more interested in making groundless and unfalsifiable speculation about their motives. You’re unhesitatingly framing their intellectual or emotional foray as an act of narcissism. (Paradoxically, wielding the term sometimes serves as virtue signaling in itself. You’re pleading a moral high ground by calling out virtue signaling.)

You can’t rebut a person’s subjective position merely by discrediting that person or dismissing their opinions as grandstanding. You can’t denigrate people’s motives without speaking to their argument. Even if you think someone is likely virtue-signaling, keeping your speculation to a minimum is better.

Idea for Impact: Don’t judge the motives of others. It rarely helps to respond to a conflict by indicting them of a personal sin that is internal and, therefore, inscrutable to anyone else.

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Cultural Differences and Detecting Deception

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Cultural Differences and Detecting Deception Spotting a liar isn’t an exact science; factors like eye contact, direct versus indirect communication, and many of the frequently highlighted “sure signs” of a liar may not always hold up across different cultures.

If you’re seeking more reliable indicators to help you discern truth from fiction, here they are:

  • Inconsistent Stories: Liars often weave a web of contradictions, changing their narrative as they go. When the story keeps evolving, it’s a red flag.
  • Lack of Detail: Liars tend to avoid specifics, offering vague responses that leave you with more questions than answers.
  • Defensiveness: While a poker face can hide the truth, excessive defensiveness can signal deception. When confronted, liars may become overly protective of their secrets.

Idea for Impact: Cultural sensitivity is essential when navigating the complex realm of truth and deception.

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Listening is Not Just Waiting to Talk

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Listening is Not Just Waiting to Talk In our fast-paced world, one of the most counterproductive—insidious even—listening habits is the tendency to construct our response while the other person is talking. It’s like mentally hitting the pause button on their words and drafting our own script for the moment they pause.

This habit often arises from a lack of active listening skills. Planning our responses can sometimes feel like our way of actively participating in the conversation. Additionally, societal norms can play a role; in certain contexts, rapid and assertive replies are highly valued, reinforcing this behavior.

But here’s the catch: when we’re pretending to listen while internally rehearsing our response—or even a counterargument,—we’re not truly grasping the speaker’s message. We miss the nuances and subtleties within it. Even worse, we signal to the speaker that we’re not genuinely interested in what they have to say.

To break free from this and other detrimental listening habits, cultivate self-awareness and consciously work on enhancing our listening skills. Rather than crafting a response in parallel, focus on fully comprehending the speaker’s viewpoint.

Idea for Impact: Let the other person complete their thoughts before you chime in. Allowing a brief pause to organize your thoughts. By practicing patience, active engagement, and empathy, you can transform into a more effective and attentive listener. This transformation will not only enhance your communication skills but also deepen your relationships.

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Why Good Founding Stories Sell: Stories That Appeal, Stories That Relate

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It’s the most famous “founding” story ever told. Isaac Newton often told it himself. William Stukeley first published it. Voltaire popularized it.

In 1666, Newton was strolling in a garden in Lincolnshire when he saw an apple drop from a tree. The fruit fell straight to the earth as if tugged by an invisible force. (Subsequent versions of this story had the apple striking Newton on the head.)

That mundane observation seemingly led Newton to conceive the notion of universal gravitation, which explained everything from the falling apple to the moon’s orbit. Whether it was true or not, the apple episode probably motivated Newton. But, indeed, he did not arrive at his theory of gravity at that single moment, as is commonly believed.

Most Origin Stories Make a Good Yarn

Fast-forward three and a half centuries, from England to California. Today, the “Eureka Moment” narrative is a Silicon Valley staple.

Most founding stories would rather you believe that brilliant entrepreneurs came about the outstanding idea for their startups in an almost Moses-like manner. In reality, though, that’s not the real story of how some of our iconic companies began.

When eBay launched, it gained loads of fanfare by proclaiming that Pierre Omidyar and his fiancée built the “Auction Web” to buy and collect Pez candy dispensers on the nascent internet. According to Adam Cohen’s The Perfect Store: Inside eBay (2002,) eBay’s public relations manager Mary Lou Song fabricated that founding story in 1997 to interest the media.

Netflix supposedly stemmed when co-founder Reed Hastings racked up a $40 fine with a Blockbuster store for his overdue copy of the movie Apolo 13. Netflix co-founder Marc Randolph’s That Will Never Work: The Birth of Netflix and the Amazing Life of an Idea (2019) debunks that origin myth. Although Hastings’s $40 fine inspired the process, it wasn’t the single “spark of imagination” that cooked up Netflix.

YouTube supposedly began when founders Chad Hurley and Steve Chen could not share videos of a 2005 dinner party in Chen’s San Francisco apartment. Everybody accepted the story until it was refuted by the third co-founder, Jawed Karim (who had been sidelined by Hurley and Chen.) Karim produced a prototype of YouTube inspired by HOTorNOT, a dating site that nudged users to upload photos and others to rate the looks of potential companions. Karim was particularly inspired by the concept of user-generated content versus website owners supplying the content. He set out to make a version of HOTorNOT with video. Chen later admitted that he embellished the dinner party story, which was “probably very strengthened by marketing ideas around creating a story that was very digestible.”

Facebook, first called FaceMash, was also inspired by HOTorNOT. Mark Zuckerberg and his dorm buddies created a website to post pairs of pictures from Harvard’s student community, asking users to rate the “hotter” individual.

Many Good Founding Stories are Just That—They’re Good Stories.

No company is ever founded in a single moment. Ideas evolve after assimilation and experimentation over several months, even years. It’s less interesting to say that things just develop, one idea building upon another. You won’t get as much publicity for rendering a normal-but-boring founding story.

If these mythic creation stories prove anything, it’s that people prefer a good story. People like a storyteller who’s more articulate than one who is accurate. Good stories move. Good stories lead audiences on a journey of the imagination.

Telling a Good Story is a Rehearsed Performance

Human beings are not transformed as much by statistics and facts as we are by stories. In All Marketers are Liars—The Power of Telling Authentic Stories in a Low-trust World (2005,) marketing guru Seth Godin says successful marketers don’t discuss features or benefits. They tell stories. Stories that readers want to read. And believe.

If humans were rational, we’d make judgments based on facts and statistics. But we’re not rational; we’re more convinced to act on stories, especially with emotional content. So the ability to tell a story well is a beneficial tool to add to your toolkit.

Idea for Impact: Those who can create and tell entertaining and exciting stories will have a marked advantage over others regarding persuasion. Learn to tell clear, commanding stories that make a good metaphor. Stories that appeal to emotion. Stories that relate. Stories that hold people’s attention. Stories that travel fast.

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Hate is Self-Defeating

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Hatred and anger are emotions that are ultimately futile and self-defeating. The Buddha taught that negative and destructive emotions toward others only harm the person who holds them. He said, “In this world, hate never dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and inexhaustible. You too shall pass away. Knowing this, how can you quarrel?”

Hate may seem successful when it binds perpetrators and victims in a cycle of mutual retaliation and destruction, but this is only a fleeting success. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. taught that hate often leads to more hate. He said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness.”

Idea for Impact: Choosing love over hate is the only way to defeat hate. You can deny hate even this fleeting success by modeling love in your speech, attitude, and actions. Look past people’s shortcomings and choose to accept, tolerate, forgive, and love. This is the wiser choice.

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Stop Getting Caught in Other People’s Drama

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If you’re drawn to a drama that has nothing to do with you, it’s okay to make yourself available briefly to help others fix their issues. However, beyond the seeming entertainment value of tuning in without any strings or consequences, odds are it’s actively interfering with your responsibilities.

Is getting consumed with other people’s drama just a form of escapism, allowing you to push attention away from stressful or unwelcome events in your own life for a brief amount of time?

To break the pattern of involvement in others’ dramas, shift your perspective and pay attention to what you’ll gain by not getting involved. Getting wrapped up in other people’s drama should never come at the expense of your own well-being.

Idea for Impact: Examine if you’re becoming interested in other people’s dramas because you’re evading your own reality. Set boundaries to preserve your own energy. Face your own life.

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Think Before You Commit: Say ‘Yes’ Slowly

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When presented with a request, avoid hastily agreeing and later regretting it. Instead, use this simple hack to prevent impulsive commitments: slow the conversation by posing questions.

Seek clarification regarding the specifics, time frame, and whether others have been approached. If you can only manage a portion of the task, inquire where your involvement would be most beneficial.

These questions allow you to gather more information and organize your thoughts. They will compel you to reconsider before biting off more than you can chew.

Undoing a default ‘yes’ is considerably more challenging than refraining from giving one initially. Revoking your commitment may result in even greater disappointment for the other person.

Idea for Impact: It’s tempting to say ‘yes’ to every demand imposed upon us by others. However, it is essential to reserve your ‘yes’for the right things. Respond with a deliberate and thoughtful ‘yes.’ Remember, every ‘no’ signifies a ‘yes’to something significant.

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How to … Strengthen The ‘Asking Muscle’

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Many people are afraid to ask—even negotiate—for what they want. Just because you ask for something doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but you must keep trying. In the same way that your body’s muscles need regular exercise to stay strong and flexible, the voices in your head do too. The more you practice asking (rehearse with a friend if needed,) the more comfortable it becomes.

Idea for Impact: Don’t wait for good things, as you may have been taught. Ask for what you want. With each triumph, you’ll gain confidence; with each disappointment, you’ll learn something. You’ll overcome the dread of asking for too much. You’ll conquer the fear of rejection or reprisal. Besides, you’ll be less deprived of what you’re reasonably entitled to.

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How to Speak Up in Meetings and Disagree Tactfully

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If you find it challenging to speak up in meetings, especially when disagreeing, here’s a helpful framework:

  1. Restate the objective, even if it seems obvious: “Let’s clarify what we aim to achieve here…” This restatement sharpens the focus on the purpose.
  2. Paraphrase someone’s point: “So, if I understand correctly, you’re suggesting…”
  3. Express your concerns or alternative perspective: “I have concerns because…” or “While I see your point, how would we address…”
  4. Be the last to contribute: Your silence piques curiosity and makes your statement more impactful. Incorporate the best ideas expressed and avoid obvious mistakes.

Following this approach, you can tactfully express your thoughts with the right tone and words while seeking common ground.

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Thirteen Phrases Your Customers Don’t Want to Hear

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When spoken with a particular tone, specific phrases can instantly infuriate and frustrate customers. Here are some alternatives to consider:

  • Avoid: “I don’t know.” Instead, try “That’s a good question. Let me check and find out.”
  • Avoid: “Just a second.” Instead, try “It could take me a few minutes to get that information. Could you hold while I check, or should I call you back in ten minutes?”
  • Avoid: “Wait.” Instead, try “I haven’t gotten to that yet.”
  • Avoid: “We can’t do that for you.” Instead, try “That’s a tough one. Let me see what I can do.”
  • Avoid: “You’ll have to…” Instead, try “Here’s how we can help you.”
  • Avoid: “That’s not my job.” Instead, try “I usually don’t handle that area, but I know who can help you. Let me see if he’s available.”
  • Avoid: “It’s your fault.” Instead, try “The way this process works is…
  • Avoid: “Why didn’t you do…?” Instead, try “Our process expects you to…”
  • Avoid: “How’s that my concern?” Instead, try, “I understand how upset you are.”
  • Avoid: “I know!” Instead, try “Yes, you’re right.”
  • Avoid: “As I explained earlier… Instead, try “Let’s review the steps again.”
  • Avoid: “Don’t you understand?” Instead, try, “Am I understandable thus far?”
  • Avoid: “Are you done?” Instead, try, “Will there be anything else?”

Master the art of words and deliver customer service messages with a confident, sympathetic tone. Create a personalized list of “Do Say” and “Don’t Say” phrases, drawing from your own experiences.

Reflect on the pain points and communication barriers that specifically frustrated you as a customer during customer service calls, as well as the instances where representatives provided positive interactions. Identify effective approaches and avoid pitfalls when engaging with customers.

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