Right Attitudes

Ideas for Impact

Effective Communication

The More Facebook Friends You Have, The More Stressed You’ll Be

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Seems to me that everyone’s getting sick of having to think twice about how anything—everything—they say can upset their followers on social media. We live in an oversensitive and censorious culture. The more friends you have on Facebook, the more likely something you say or do on the site will offend one of your “friends.”

The displeased’s hostility, the outflow of anger, and their petty drama won’t stop until they’ve forced their narrow-minded ideologies upon you. Even unintended slip-ups—even those from years ago—abruptly become grave and irreparable. One episode could affect your whole life. You’ll be called out; you’ll be canceled. Your employer may find that the simplest way to steer clear of the controversy is to fire you and destroy your career.

Idea for Impact: Don’t be oblivious about current events, but be aware of what and how you weigh in on cultural, social, or political issues on social media or in other unsuitable fora.

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Why It’s So Hard to Apologize

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Some people feel that apologizing carries deeper psychological ramifications than their words imply.

Apologizing feels far too vulnerable—too threatening even. Non-apologizers find it challenging to set aside their pride long enough to concede their imperfections. They depend on external validation, and therefore, they need to be seen as correct, strong, and powerful. Admitting they are flawed and fallible is thus something they refuse to do.

Offering an Apology Can Feel Like a Sign of Weakness

In sum, refusing to apologize often echoes a conscious or subconscious effort to protect a fragile sense of self. Apologies require a reasonably robust sense of self-worth, and often non-apologizers feel that regrets for their actions significantly threaten their basic sense of identity and self-esteem. They fear it’d open the floodgates to more vulnerability and blame. They’re pathologically afraid of being wrong.

When a person’s sense of self is threatened, they counter-attack and double down on their position. Other times, a self-preservation instinct will lead people to offer a submission—a calculated, face-saving “non-apology apology” that doesn’t suggest proper accountability.

Other non-apologizers can be oblivious to the effect their actions have on others. They don’t apologize because they are unaware that they have something—anything even—to apologize for. They lack empathy and can’t put themselves in the other person’s place.

Idea for Impact: It Takes Strength to Apologize Meaningfully

Learn to work past your fears and resistance to apologizing. Apologizing for the harm you’ve caused and taking responsibility for your mistakes can indeed be a sign of strength.

Effective apologies empathize with the wronged party and address the recipients’ feelings—they don’t need to prove a point. Name what you did wrong, show yourself as regretful, and indicate what might be different in the future.

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How to … Communicate Better with Defensive People

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Any time you want to question something a person did or didn’t, phrase your question in terms of “how” or “what.”

Don’t ask “why,” especially when working with individuals who tend to be a bit defensive.

I’ve noticed that a “why” often pushes them over the edge—they feel threatened, or they feel their abilities are being brought into question. Defensiveness is usually a means of avoiding accountability and getting the other person to back off.

The “tell me more” invites them to engage in a conversation.

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How to … Deal with Meetings That Get Derailed

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Refuse meetings that swallow up your time with little benefit. Unproductive talk and time tend to fill the space at protracted meetings.

Cut the meetings you have in half. Cut the time of the meetings that remain in half. Then cut the number of attendees in half.

Show up only if you’re required—not just to be seen, and be prepared with your contribution.

Anecdote: When Andy Grove was CEO at Intel, every new employee, from a production worker to an executive, was required to take the company’s course on effective meetings, often taught by the acclaimed CEO himself. Grove believed good meetings were of such consequence to Intel that it was worth his time to train all employees.

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Serve the ‘Lazy Grapefruit’

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I love grapefruits, but they’re messy. Not quite as messy as eating mangos, though. Peeling a grapefruit also leaves a filmy residue on the hands that doesn’t come off easily, even with soap or hand sanitizer.

A professional chef recently coached me on suprêming a grapefruit. This method is a little time-consuming, but the results—no rind, no pith, no skin, no mess—totally worth it! The chef calls it “Serving the Lazy Grapefruit.”

Now that’s an excellent metaphor.

When you give presentations, especially when you pitch to busy executives, you should serve them the ‘lazy grapefruit.’

Too many presentations are put together like a whole grapefruit—the audience is made to go through the trouble of picking the juiciest fare themselves.

Especially so when you’re presenting to busy executives—they tend to be incredibly impatient and often have little time to weigh options. To present the ‘lazy grapefruit’ is to remove the rind and peel in your presentation from the shell of unnecessary details and then serve the kernel to them in an appealing, easily consumable, least-messy form.

Your audience will relish the clarity provided by anyone who’s made an effort to make the message straightforward.

Boil your message down to the essentials and figure out precisely what they’ll need to know and why it’s important to them, and then lay it out in an orderly and logical manner.

Elevate your presentation. It’s more difficult to make your message simpler, but it’s worth the effort.

Idea for Impact: Do the thinking so your audience doesn’t have to.

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Gab May Not Be a Gift at All

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Ever met a Garrulous Gary who prattles on long after you’ve spaced out? A Chatty Charlie who blabbers on especially to show how much you know? Or a Curious Corinne who asks too many questions too quickly that you feel interrogated?

Whether in a job interview, a business meeting, or with a romantic partner, being long-winded is a sure turn-off. You’re risking being thought of as self-absorbed and conversationally clueless.

The easiest way to avoid being an over-talker is to speak for no more than one minute without stopping or asking a question. Avoid going off on a new tangent.

Constantly “read the room” to see if people are still interested. If the listener wants to hear more or pursue the conversation further, she can ask. Back off if you sense that questions or more details aren’t welcome. Silence isn’t a bad thing.

If someone appears distant or lost in thought, don’t just move into their personal space and try to break the ice with a “hey.” If necessary, ask for permission, “Hi. Is it okay if I talk to you?” Don’t start talking unless you sense that you’ve created a comfortable opportunity for the other person to respond.

Idea for Impact: Focus on what Mark Twain called “Minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.” Perhaps wise sound bites and deeper, more meaningful conversations are what constitute a true gift to gab?

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“Fly the Aircraft First”

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Today is the 50th anniversary of the Flight 401 disaster. I’ve previously cited how the crew of the ill-fated Eastern Airlines Lockheed L-1011 got so single-mindedly preoccupied with tackling a nose landing gear indicator light malfunction that they didn’t pay attention to the fact that their airliner was descending gradually into the Florida Everglades.

In summary, the pilots were too distracted to fly the aircraft. Human factors, specifically cognitive impairments, can precipitate distractions away from vital tasks.

The incident led to a breakthrough called Crew Resource Management (CRM.) This “human nature innovation” actively orients pilots to prioritize tasks in order of operational safety. The adage “Aviate, Navigate, and Communicate (A-N-C)” reinforces the ‘fly the aircraft first’behaviors until they’re internalized and become routine.

The top priority—always—is to aviate. That means fly the airplane by using the flight controls and flight instruments to direct the airplane’s attitude, airspeed, and altitude. Rounding out those top priorities are figuring out where you are and where you’re going (Navigate,) and, as appropriate, talking to ATC or someone outside the airplane (Communicate.) However, it doesn’t matter if we’re navigating and communicating perfectly if we lose control of the aircraft and crash. A-N-C seems simple to follow, but it’s easy to forget when you get busy or distracted in the cockpit.

Idea for Impact: “Fly the aircraft first.” Know when to set aside the seemingly important things to accomplish the more vital ones.

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No Need to Send a Thank-you Card for a Thank-you Card

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As a rule of thumb, feel free to send a thank-you note whenever the impulse strikes you. But a thank-you card (or a thank-you gift) sent to you is already a token of appreciation, so putting in yet more effort into thanking somebody for thanking you is purposeless, irritating even. It’s kind of morally superfluous.

Now, failing to acknowledge a thank-you note is a universal annoyance. By all means, you can text them, “Got your note. I’m glad you had a good time,” or inform them the next time you run into them in the hallway. However, no need to perpetuate a recursion of thank-you notes.

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How to … Avoid Family Fights About Politics Over the Holidays

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The simplest and most pleasant thing to do is just to agree not to talk politics. There’s no need to stoke the flames, especially if you know these conversations are likely to teeter on the edge of discomfort and may end up hurting people’s feelings. In today’s particularly charged political climate, even trivial differences in opinion have the potential to turn into a nasty fight. If members of your family can’t deliberate charged topics without losing calm, then stay out of debates. Talk to the key players—the strong personalities—beforehand and request them to tone it down for the evening. Have conversation starters and activities at the ready.

Don’t expect to change minds. Sure, they’re your blood, and you love them, but it ain’t your responsibility to make them understand how wrong they are. Political judgments are value-based, and these values are very hard to change. People have contempt for ideas that they disagree with, and, when presented with information that goes against their beliefs, some people not only snub their challengers but also double down on their original viewpoints (“the backfire effect.”)

Idea for Impact: Bringing together family and friends with different political views can make holiday gatherings painful. Just be realistic about getting past opposing viewpoints and keeping the peace this holiday season.

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At the End of Every Meeting, Grade It

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After steering a consensus at the end of every meeting, allow two minutes to grade it.

Have the meeting’s chairperson go around the table and ask every attendee to give the session a letter grade. If someone doesn’t characterize it as an A, ask them to pinpoint what would have made it an A.

Through this initiative, your team can recognize the factors that influence the success of your meetings. The attendees are responsible for making future meetings an A and cutting barriers to achieving your organization’s objectives.

Few managers do this, but it’s a game changer. Close every meeting on a tone of achievement.

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