Spewing Rainbows: The Most Unhelpful Things to Say to Someone Who’s Down

Watching someone you love struggle is painful in its own right, separate from whatever that person is going through. The helplessness pushes most of us to act, and the action is usually talking. We tell the person to cheer up, to look on the bright side, or to remember that others have it worse. The intention is kind. The effect is that someone already in pain now feels misunderstood as well.

Telling a person to cheer up fails because it treats a mood as a decision. Someone who’s grieving, depressed, or overwhelmed has almost always tried to feel better and hasn’t managed it. Hearing the instruction repeated by a person they trust implies that their effort fell short, which adds guilt to an already difficult situation. The phrase also tends to serve the speaker, because it ends an uncomfortable moment sooner and gives the person in pain nothing.

Presence comes first. Show up consistently, and make your availability clear without demanding anything in return. Many people find it hard to talk about their deepest emotions, and pressure makes it harder, so let them set the pace. Silence during a visit is acceptable. A person who knows you’ll stay in the room whether or not they speak is more likely to start speaking.

Resist the urge to correct their perspective, even when you believe yours is more accurate. People act on conclusions they’ve reached themselves, and they discard conclusions handed to them. Open questions that invite them to think aloud work better than statements, and the conversation should follow wherever they take it.

Keep the focus on them. When a friend describes a divorce and the listener answers with the story of their own, the conversation shifts to the listener without either person intending it. The listener’s experience may be relevant, but a person in distress rarely has room for it. Hold it back unless they ask.

Offering solutions before you understand the situation signals that you see their problem as something to close quickly. Gather the facts first, and pay attention to how your words land. The goal is to leave them calmer than you found them, not more anxious.

Supporting someone in a vulnerable state takes tact and restraint. Patience and care do more for that person than any piece of advice.

Idea for Impact: Before your next conversation with someone who’s struggling, choose one sentence to use in place of advice, such as “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.” Say it, then listen. People tend to remember who stayed present far longer than they remember any suggestion.