As Erich Fromm argued in The Art of Loving (1956; my summary,) love’s an active power: a doing, not a being. Whether with a romantic partner, a friend, or even a pet, depth’s earned through showing up in the mundane.
We don’t usually confuse intensity with intimacy, yet it’s the quiet repetitions that bind us. Love’s less about passion than about patience with the banal. In friendships and romance, this often shows up as what psychologist John Gottman calls “emotional bids”—small, ordinary requests that predict long-term success. Listening to a work complaint for the third time, helping someone move furniture, or remembering their preferred brand of tea builds psychological safety in ways a weekend getaway never could. Gottman’s decades of research on marital stability show that responding to these bids—often unspoken—determines whether relationships thrive or collapse.
Even with our pets, the bond isn’t just about cuddles. It’s the commitment to stay present through feeding schedules, cleaning up accidents, and sitting with them through illness. Showing up for the “little” things signals we’re in it together. That’s what builds bonds.
Idea for Impact: The test of affection isn’t in grand gestures but in the willingness to endure boredom together. If you want deeper connection, stop chasing excitement and start finding more ways to be useful, to be available. Connection strengthens not in the fireworks but in the daily embers we tend.