Ideas for Impact #1: Dale Carnegie on the Use of ‘but’ in Interpersonal Feedback
February 28th, 2007 at 5:51 pm (Managing People, Ideas for Impact)
Dale Carnegie’s classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” is one of the most popular self-help books ever written. The book was first published in 1936 and has since sold millions of copies worldwide. In all my personality development seminars, I recommend this book as a must-read for improving interpersonal dynamics. Here is a detailed summary of the book.
Dale Carnegie on the Choice of Words in Giving Feedback
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word ‘but’ and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”
In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word ‘but.’ He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie’s attitude toward his studies.
This could be easily overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and.’ “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”
Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.
Call for Action
Giving interpersonal feedback and facilitating change is a critical people-skill. Prior to delivering feedback, we rarely plan exactly what we want to say and how we want to say. The words we choose to use are important.
Observe how you deliver feedback. Use the “You are good and if you improve at this skill, you will be better” structure for effective feedback.
***See other articles related to Ideas for Impact, personality development, leadership skills, people skills, interpersonal feedback, managerial skills, performance appraisal, performance review
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Whatever format you choose to use, be consistent throughout a document: use an identical format all the dates in the document. Consistency in formats is important for both form and function of the dates.
An effective way to prepare a speech, presentation, report, résumé, or, an email is to begin at the end. Place yourself in the recipient’s or the audience’s shoes and look from the outside in by asking a few questions on the outcome of your communication. Write down all the outcomes you desire from your communication; write down everything that comes to mind without filtering any probable outcomes.
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Turn-off your telephone during your productive work-hours or when you are meeting somebody at your desk. Instead, use a voicemail system. The voicemail system allows you to pick the moments at which you pay attention to incoming telephone calls. Check voicemail once or twice a day and return telephone calls promptly. For example, at work, I unplug the telephone cable at my desk until 11:00am and check voicemails after lunch.
